Britain has been falling to bits steadily over the last decade, but now, due to an acceleration of its erosion and having no policies to effectively stem the tide of despair, the government has come up with a one point plan.
"We've been moving from one disaster to another and, quite frankly, we've had no real idea on what course of action to take. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, suggested at a cabinet meeting that we hold everything together using duct tape, at least up until the next general election, and then it'll be David Cameron and the Conservatives problem," said leader in waiting, Alan Johnson.
"Duct tape is nothing like us, which I think will appeal to the public. It's strong, versatile and useful and unlike us - it's on a roll," said one senior labour politician.
Chancellor Alistair Darling has trimmed 2% off the duct tape tax ahead of the policy introduction, but has added 3% tax on to Sellotape. That's been seen as a move targeting the poorest members of society yet again. Pritt stick tax remains unchanged. Harriet Harmon has backed the idea. "Anything that means I can remove my stab jacket when I go shopping has to be a good thing," said Ms Harman. Other cabinet ministers also showed their support. "I've nothing better" said one. "I'll employ a relative as a duct tape monitor" said another. "I am standing up," said Hazel Blears.
Conservative leader David Cameron was caught a little off-balance by the announcement as this was set to be his main and possibly only policy if and when he ever produced a manifesto. "Ermmm...... do you mind if I wait and see what public reaction is to this? If they like it then I promise the Conservatives will use a thicker, stronger tape. My understanding is that the government will use 48mm tape, but we will use 49mm. However, if it's rejected, then I'll change the parting in my hair," said Davey.
David Cameron brought the house down during Prime Minister's questions when he accused Gordon Brown of being a 'lame duct Prime Minister.'
Nick Clegg wasn't asked for his stance.
Enviromentalists have welcomed the news as long as the tape is biodegradable, edible, can be used as fuel, for making clothes and all future buildings are made out of it.
