Doctors To Give Test Results At Inappropriate Times Via Inappropriate People, says Chief Medical Officer.
There was a time when you popped along to your GP and he broke the news about the results of tests you had undertaken, but that's all set to change.
Doctors will now reveal the results of your tests when it's highly inappropriate. A pilot scheme has already been using the new system with positive results. A few patients have praised the scheme although one has since died.
"It's a simple premise. You just leave a contact number of a close relative/friend who knows about your movements in the weeks after the test and then we take care of the rest," said a GMC spokesman.
Barbara White, 52, shop assistant, was one of the first to take part.
"The doctor told me that I would receive the test results sometime within a month," said Barbara White, 52. I'd been feeling quite rough. He told me it was probably very serious, but not to worry as he had been wrong once, many years ago. I went on holiday as planned and ordered a drink at poolside and the waiter gave me a rum and coke and informed me that I had leukaemia and that I should return home immediately. It took a while to understand what he was trying to say, but we got there in the end. I really appreciated the timing. I was only two days into my holiday and although the doctor could have told me before I went, he felt, at the time, that it would be better to wait until it was fairly awkward and inappropriate."
Tim Jenson, 22, philosophy student, had a similar experience. "I was part way through my driving test when the instructor told me that the mole on my back was benign. I slammed on the breaks and broke down in tears. I failed the test because I had done an unscheduled emergency stop and I had hugged the examiner also."
"It was great breaking the news," said Driving Examiner, Ted Walters. "He was really delighted and it made failing him very easy indeed. We have quotas and I needed one more fail to keep up the percentage. I've got a real stinker next week though. Woman in her 30s. Bad news I'm afraid. That's the joy of this job, you don't know what will happen next."
The GMC added: "A lot of people like to make a drama out their illnesses. Stories get dressed up and commonly unused adjectives get bandied about. We felt that the visit to the surgery and having the doctor fake sincerity was really not contributing to the overall effect. People want 'shock and gore' in a time when they are competing to have the most dramatic health problem on the planet.
"One woman was given the all-clear and asked for a second opinion and said if she couldn't find a doctor in this country who would say she was seriously ill then she would look abroad. She was livid, but sadly, she was in perfect health.
"Doctors will be rewarded financially for more elaborate and creative ways of breaking the news. I can't name names, but some people in the public eye are in for a real treat. One has happened already."
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Olympics - Name Drain
Part Of New Sewerage System To Be Named After A 'Nearly An Olympian'
Part of a new sewerage system, which has just been completed in Islington, London, is to be named after an athlete who nearly made the Olympics as part of the hugely successful and immensely popular - Team GB.
Head of Engineering, Fred Summerskill, is pleased that the project, which has been brought in late and over-budget, is now completed.
"What we have is a main sewer pipe, much like any other you may have come across, but it then splits into four holding areas. Usually, sewerage systems just get a number, but with everyone in the Olympic spirit, it feels just right. We have decided to name this part of the system - Drain Chambers.
"Basically, it will be full of crap most of the time," he added.
Part of a new sewerage system, which has just been completed in Islington, London, is to be named after an athlete who nearly made the Olympics as part of the hugely successful and immensely popular - Team GB.
Head of Engineering, Fred Summerskill, is pleased that the project, which has been brought in late and over-budget, is now completed.
"What we have is a main sewer pipe, much like any other you may have come across, but it then splits into four holding areas. Usually, sewerage systems just get a number, but with everyone in the Olympic spirit, it feels just right. We have decided to name this part of the system - Drain Chambers.
"Basically, it will be full of crap most of the time," he added.
Assassination Plot - UK
A plot to kill Prime Minsiter Gordon Brown has been discovered and arrests have been made. The picture below shows the dramatic moment when the leader of the plot was revealed.
It's Miliband
It's Miliband
Estate Agents - Deception Warning
Dramatic Fall In UK House Prices May Force Estates Agents Into Deception
Estate Agents, recognised throughout the business world as the 'honest profession,' may resort to deception, says a spokesman for Estate Agents.
"We pride ourselves on being an honest and transparent organisation, but with the housing market as it is, we feel some members may resort to deception and manipulation to push a sale through. There's no recent history of this happening, but members are showing frustration with a housing market that has stalled," said the spokesman.
Terry Thompson, 35, is one feeling the pressure. "I've shelved the yacht. That's out for the time being. My integrity is being tested to the limit. I'd rather live in a tent and ride a bike and sell the horses though than compromise that. I was almost tempted to sell some doddery old woman's house to a relative at a rock bottom price, which we would then sell on and split the profits, but I didn't. My two houses are losing value too, you know."
Sandra Beckwith-Palmerson, 26, echoed Terry's dilemna. "I've been tempted to use my female charm and impressive assets to acquire sales and it makes me feel dirty. Inaccurate descriptions and failing to mention the paedophile drug addict next door are not part of my make-up. If a drain blocks and floods a property every couple of years then I'm the first to tell them. Character and charming are not old and pokey on my watch. I even use a rule that doesn't add a few extra feet onto everything.
A random member of the public said he did feel sorry for Estate Agents.
"They are often over-looked. They have my sympathy. I'd pay more for a house if it would help them out. There are some people out there with no heart.though. Yesterday, I saw a nurse and she shouted at an Estate Agent - See you, wouldn't wanna bijou. Nasty stuff."
Estate Agents, recognised throughout the business world as the 'honest profession,' may resort to deception, says a spokesman for Estate Agents.
"We pride ourselves on being an honest and transparent organisation, but with the housing market as it is, we feel some members may resort to deception and manipulation to push a sale through. There's no recent history of this happening, but members are showing frustration with a housing market that has stalled," said the spokesman.
Terry Thompson, 35, is one feeling the pressure. "I've shelved the yacht. That's out for the time being. My integrity is being tested to the limit. I'd rather live in a tent and ride a bike and sell the horses though than compromise that. I was almost tempted to sell some doddery old woman's house to a relative at a rock bottom price, which we would then sell on and split the profits, but I didn't. My two houses are losing value too, you know."
Sandra Beckwith-Palmerson, 26, echoed Terry's dilemna. "I've been tempted to use my female charm and impressive assets to acquire sales and it makes me feel dirty. Inaccurate descriptions and failing to mention the paedophile drug addict next door are not part of my make-up. If a drain blocks and floods a property every couple of years then I'm the first to tell them. Character and charming are not old and pokey on my watch. I even use a rule that doesn't add a few extra feet onto everything.
A random member of the public said he did feel sorry for Estate Agents.
"They are often over-looked. They have my sympathy. I'd pay more for a house if it would help them out. There are some people out there with no heart.though. Yesterday, I saw a nurse and she shouted at an Estate Agent - See you, wouldn't wanna bijou. Nasty stuff."
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Kate Garraway - Milkshakes
Kate Garraway was spotted with a mystery man yesterday
He had joined her for lunch
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Olympics - Horseplay
Four Horses Test Positive For Banned Substances At Olympics Undergo Trial With Castleford Tigers Rugby League Team
Castleford chief executive Richard Wright said that it was not a publicity stunt but added: "Many expected them to not be at the races and have a 'mare in the trials but they have shown a fair bit of skill, commitment and courage to suggest that with time they could become successful rugby league players. Their work ethic and professionalism have been exemplary."
"Many people watched their trial and they certainly won over some of the doubters, and proved that the trial was more than simply a publicity stunt. Whether we have the time to get them up to the level required is a different matter"
The horses have now finished the trial but judging by their long faces, they are not going to be offered a contract.
Castleford chief executive Richard Wright said that it was not a publicity stunt but added: "Many expected them to not be at the races and have a 'mare in the trials but they have shown a fair bit of skill, commitment and courage to suggest that with time they could become successful rugby league players. Their work ethic and professionalism have been exemplary."
"Many people watched their trial and they certainly won over some of the doubters, and proved that the trial was more than simply a publicity stunt. Whether we have the time to get them up to the level required is a different matter"
The horses have now finished the trial but judging by their long faces, they are not going to be offered a contract.
In the Olympics, suspicion had been aroused when footage of one of the clear rounds was reviewed
Monday, 25 August 2008
Emigrated While Asleep
Man Calls Local Radio Station Claiming He Was Moved To Another Country While He Slept
The drama unfolded around 8.30am on Radio Waves 96.2fm
DJ - Hi caller, I believe you have a dramatic story to tell us.
Bob - Hi Dave, I most certainly do. I got up around 7.30am and pulled back the curtains and noticed it wasn't raining.
DJ - (gasp) Not raining! Did you say not raining?
Bob - That's right, Dave. I've no idea where I am or how I got here???
DJ - What can you see out of the window Bob?
Bob - From memory, I'd say it was the sun.
DJ - Is it to the East or West, Bob?
Bob - What are the chances of me calling you and holding a compass, Dave?
DJ - Fair point. What else can you see?
Bob - It looks similar to back home. In fact, I'd say it's exactly the same.
DJ - Parallel Universe maybe?
Bob - That was my first thought. A parallel universe like the doctor.
DJ - Doctor Who?
Bob - Tenant, I think. I don't think he's a real doctor or even qualified in medicine
DJ - Probably a junior doctor then..........................
Meanwhile, on the very same morning...........
2008 Uk - Not The Hottest Summer Since Records Began, say Met Office
Weather watchers, and apparently they do exist but you hope not in your social circle, had long been expecting this result, but have had to wait for confirmation from official sources. Normal people were not taken aback either when told.
"I didn't think it was the hottest," said divorcee Wendy Turner, 46. "I recall 1976 was very hot and it's certainly been below that. I don't recall wearing a coat, hat and scarf like I have this August."
The Met Office went on to add that this year hasn't been the hottest this decade.
"I'm not surprised," said Ted Frobisher, 62, retired. "I remember quite clearly that I wore a blue t-shirt three summers ago that I got from George, not my mate George, but the one at Asda. 1976 was hot. A lot of sunburn. Even the church bells were peeling. Obviously, that's not in the last decade, but it was hot.
"It's not even the hottest in the last two years," said a Met spokesman.
"That does surprise me a bit," said Jenny Smith, 22. "I guess it's a close run thing. I know last year wasn't hot, but I wouldn't like to have been pressed as to which one was warmer. This one is certainly wetter. 1976 was hot. I wasn't born then, but I believe it was hot.
The Met Office likes to give each year some sort of award and this year looks like it's going to be for 'The Most Types Of Rain Since Records Began'
The drama unfolded around 8.30am on Radio Waves 96.2fm
DJ - Hi caller, I believe you have a dramatic story to tell us.
Bob - Hi Dave, I most certainly do. I got up around 7.30am and pulled back the curtains and noticed it wasn't raining.
DJ - (gasp) Not raining! Did you say not raining?
Bob - That's right, Dave. I've no idea where I am or how I got here???
DJ - What can you see out of the window Bob?
Bob - From memory, I'd say it was the sun.
DJ - Is it to the East or West, Bob?
Bob - What are the chances of me calling you and holding a compass, Dave?
DJ - Fair point. What else can you see?
Bob - It looks similar to back home. In fact, I'd say it's exactly the same.
DJ - Parallel Universe maybe?
Bob - That was my first thought. A parallel universe like the doctor.
DJ - Doctor Who?
Bob - Tenant, I think. I don't think he's a real doctor or even qualified in medicine
DJ - Probably a junior doctor then..........................
Meanwhile, on the very same morning...........
2008 Uk - Not The Hottest Summer Since Records Began, say Met Office
Weather watchers, and apparently they do exist but you hope not in your social circle, had long been expecting this result, but have had to wait for confirmation from official sources. Normal people were not taken aback either when told.
"I didn't think it was the hottest," said divorcee Wendy Turner, 46. "I recall 1976 was very hot and it's certainly been below that. I don't recall wearing a coat, hat and scarf like I have this August."
The Met Office went on to add that this year hasn't been the hottest this decade.
"I'm not surprised," said Ted Frobisher, 62, retired. "I remember quite clearly that I wore a blue t-shirt three summers ago that I got from George, not my mate George, but the one at Asda. 1976 was hot. A lot of sunburn. Even the church bells were peeling. Obviously, that's not in the last decade, but it was hot.
"It's not even the hottest in the last two years," said a Met spokesman.
"That does surprise me a bit," said Jenny Smith, 22. "I guess it's a close run thing. I know last year wasn't hot, but I wouldn't like to have been pressed as to which one was warmer. This one is certainly wetter. 1976 was hot. I wasn't born then, but I believe it was hot.
The Met Office likes to give each year some sort of award and this year looks like it's going to be for 'The Most Types Of Rain Since Records Began'
Gordon Brown Wins Gold
Brown wins Gold in 'Most Unpopular Leader Of Britain Ever According To Polls'
Gordon Brown, just back from his hols, said he felt like an Olympian and was quick to thank Tony Blair
"I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for Tony the Tosser.Just give a chance," said the ramfeezled Scot.
Mrs Thatcher, who forgot that there was a North of England when Prime Minister, was as sharp as ever.
Mrs T - What am I doing here?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Prime Minister.
Mrs T - I can't wait to tell Denis.
Reporter - Your husband died a few years ago, Mrs Thatcher.
Mrs T - When was I divorced?
Reporter - You never got divorced.
Mrs T - What am I doing here? Who is he?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Pime Minister. That's Gordon Brown, the current, unelected Prime Minister.
Mrs T - Where's my pretty Carol, my only child?
Reporter - Don't you remember that you also have a son?
Mrs T - Of course I do, but I deliberately choose to forget about him. What a waster.
Blair was happy with a bronze
"My weight is bound to fluctuate, I've had 4 kids," said the organ grinder.
Gordon Brown, just back from his hols, said he felt like an Olympian and was quick to thank Tony Blair
"I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for Tony the Tosser.Just give a chance," said the ramfeezled Scot.
Mrs Thatcher, who forgot that there was a North of England when Prime Minister, was as sharp as ever.
Mrs T - What am I doing here?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Prime Minister.
Mrs T - I can't wait to tell Denis.
Reporter - Your husband died a few years ago, Mrs Thatcher.
Mrs T - When was I divorced?
Reporter - You never got divorced.
Mrs T - What am I doing here? Who is he?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Pime Minister. That's Gordon Brown, the current, unelected Prime Minister.
Mrs T - Where's my pretty Carol, my only child?
Reporter - Don't you remember that you also have a son?
Mrs T - Of course I do, but I deliberately choose to forget about him. What a waster.
Blair was happy with a bronze
"My weight is bound to fluctuate, I've had 4 kids," said the organ grinder.
Olympics - Oz Praise
Australian Man Says - Well Done - To Team GB
Australian Shane Thompson, 41, was approached by a reporter who asked what he thought about Team GB doing really well while his own country were going backwards.
Shane appeared to grit his teeth and he was obviously emotional, as he choked on his words a number of times before saying "Well done!"
The reporter asked if he had heard the question properly and Shane nodded.
"Fair play to the poms. It's good to see them winning things. Makes me proud that I have this connection with them," said Shane.
"Somewhere between 'Billabong' and 'Rolf' in the Australian dictionary I came across 'Humility' and I'm truly humbled. We still trounce them at cricket and they only win sitting down," added Shane, partially reverting to type due to a conditioned reflex.
Australia, who introduced Gloating to the Olympic schedule in Sydney 2000, haven't won a medal in that event this year
Shane admitted that the only other time he had said 'well done' to someone from Britain was when an English chef asked him how he would like his steak cooked.
Australian Shane Thompson, 41, was approached by a reporter who asked what he thought about Team GB doing really well while his own country were going backwards.
Shane appeared to grit his teeth and he was obviously emotional, as he choked on his words a number of times before saying "Well done!"
The reporter asked if he had heard the question properly and Shane nodded.
"Fair play to the poms. It's good to see them winning things. Makes me proud that I have this connection with them," said Shane.
"Somewhere between 'Billabong' and 'Rolf' in the Australian dictionary I came across 'Humility' and I'm truly humbled. We still trounce them at cricket and they only win sitting down," added Shane, partially reverting to type due to a conditioned reflex.
Australia, who introduced Gloating to the Olympic schedule in Sydney 2000, haven't won a medal in that event this year
Shane admitted that the only other time he had said 'well done' to someone from Britain was when an English chef asked him how he would like his steak cooked.
Friday, 22 August 2008
Olympics - Potty Marathon
Paula's Potty, the gadget highlighted on this very blog, pulled up during the Olympic Marathon in Beijing. It was worth a shot but probably wasn't ready to compete in such a n important race. Paula had made an awful lot of excuses in case of a poor performance such as axel stress, radio interference, the roll running out of paper and a snake bite to the aerial.
The race began well enough, amid strong support, with the Potty keeping perfect pace with Paula, but it began to show problems after about 12 miles, leaving Paula without a pot to piss in when she needed to spend a penny.
The wheels eventually came off. Paula, who was tearful and distraught even before the race started - was devastated. She was forced to the end the marathon in a pink nappy.
Paula has set her sights on London 2012, but whether she will be up to commentating is anyone's guess. No doubt she will pick up a throat infection a week before or step on a scorpion, but she will soldier on, obviously.
The race began well enough, amid strong support, with the Potty keeping perfect pace with Paula, but it began to show problems after about 12 miles, leaving Paula without a pot to piss in when she needed to spend a penny.
The wheels eventually came off. Paula, who was tearful and distraught even before the race started - was devastated. She was forced to the end the marathon in a pink nappy.
Paula has set her sights on London 2012, but whether she will be up to commentating is anyone's guess. No doubt she will pick up a throat infection a week before or step on a scorpion, but she will soldier on, obviously.
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Glitter To Tour UK
Disgraced sicko and former popstar, Gary Glitter, 64, real name Peter File, has been released from prison in Vietnam.
He immediately announced he would be touring once again with an all new line-up of The Glitter Band.
He immediately announced he would be touring once again with an all new line-up of The Glitter Band.
Jonathon King completes the line-up as the band's fiddler
Glitter will be the support act to The Guantanamo Bay City Rollers, the new headlining indie band, which is made up of released prisoners from Guantanamo Bay. It was originally only a 28 day UK tour, but it's now been extended to 42 days.
Glitter, former PC World spokesperson and a man so vile that not even Raj Persaud would copy him, is said to be 'very excited' about working with his new band.
Monday, 18 August 2008
Olympics - RSI
Man Who Updates The Medal Table For Great Britain Off Sick With RSI
Fred Thurman, the man who got the world's easiest job, has been signed off sick with RSI.
"I'm a lazy, work-shy type of guy and didn't really want to work but when I saw this job advertised, I thought 'how hard can that be?' and the first few days looked promising. I got my deckchair out and opened a few beers and sat back and was grateful I wasn't the guy doing the Chinese updates.
"Then the sailing, rowing and cycling started and I've been rushed off my feet. Golds here, silvers there. What's going on? In my day, fourth was the position to be in. Heroic failure was the accepted norm. There's too many smiling faces and fulfilled potential. I'm not happy.
"My wrist is giving me grief. Part of that is due to watching porn, but constant updating of the chart hasn't helped. Both Liu Xiang and me are out of the Olympics with an injury although he's getting all the headlines. I feel like Blake Aldridge," said Fred.
The position has now been filled by a former Olympic athlete in attempt to keep up with the demanding role. Specialist training will be given to the person who gets the job for 2012 in what could be the busiest job of all time.
"I do feel sorry for the US guy. He'll be doing updates for years to come when they have to start giving the medals back," added Fred.
Fred Thurman, the man who got the world's easiest job, has been signed off sick with RSI.
"I'm a lazy, work-shy type of guy and didn't really want to work but when I saw this job advertised, I thought 'how hard can that be?' and the first few days looked promising. I got my deckchair out and opened a few beers and sat back and was grateful I wasn't the guy doing the Chinese updates.
"Then the sailing, rowing and cycling started and I've been rushed off my feet. Golds here, silvers there. What's going on? In my day, fourth was the position to be in. Heroic failure was the accepted norm. There's too many smiling faces and fulfilled potential. I'm not happy.
"My wrist is giving me grief. Part of that is due to watching porn, but constant updating of the chart hasn't helped. Both Liu Xiang and me are out of the Olympics with an injury although he's getting all the headlines. I feel like Blake Aldridge," said Fred.
The position has now been filled by a former Olympic athlete in attempt to keep up with the demanding role. Specialist training will be given to the person who gets the job for 2012 in what could be the busiest job of all time.
"I do feel sorry for the US guy. He'll be doing updates for years to come when they have to start giving the medals back," added Fred.
UK - North v South
Two Patients Who Escaped From A Psychiatric Hospital Demand To Be let Back In
Jason Ford, 23, and 35-year-old Barry Powell, absconded from a secure hosptial in the South of England last week and headed up North. After spending a week in the North of England, they handed themselves in at a police station in Bradford.
Both men had been making progress while in hospital but a week up North had left them looking like they had lost all hope.
"It was grim," Jason Ford told authorities. "The places we visited had lost much of their raison d'etre."
"I felt trapped. It was like a madhouse," added Barry Powell. "I said to Jason that it's hard to imagine them prospering at their current sizes and he agreed."
Both men began to question whether they had actually escaped or whether they were still in the grounds of hospital. "It was messing with my mind," said Jason. "It was cold, dark, scary, dirty, poverty-stricken and filled with delusional people. Part of me wanted to tell people the reality of the position: regeneration, in the sense of convergence, will not happen, because it is not possible. Another part of me told me to 'run like the wind' back down South."
Doctors have warned that both men are now showing irreversible psychological problems.
They said that Barry and Jason told then that dynamic economies require dynamic economic geography and then they made proposals that appeared to be unworkable, unreasonable and perhaps plain barmy.
"They are in a terrible state, but in a better place now and should regain some hope out of their current despair," said doctors.
"The South has a permanent smell of roses, is crime free, rich, full of well-rounded, friendly, unpretentious people," said Jason. "I don't know what possessed us to run away back to the dark ages," said the thoughtful mental patient
Doctors have suggested that people up North would do well to move down South into secure hospitals where they can have their Northernness removed through constant put-downs.
Police also returned six other escapees who doctors didn't recognise and said must be from a different hospital.
"They kept saying they were part of a 'Think Tank' but they were clearly unwell. The worst I've seen in 25 years," said one senior doctor.
Jason Ford, 23, and 35-year-old Barry Powell, absconded from a secure hosptial in the South of England last week and headed up North. After spending a week in the North of England, they handed themselves in at a police station in Bradford.
Both men had been making progress while in hospital but a week up North had left them looking like they had lost all hope.
"It was grim," Jason Ford told authorities. "The places we visited had lost much of their raison d'etre."
"I felt trapped. It was like a madhouse," added Barry Powell. "I said to Jason that it's hard to imagine them prospering at their current sizes and he agreed."
Both men began to question whether they had actually escaped or whether they were still in the grounds of hospital. "It was messing with my mind," said Jason. "It was cold, dark, scary, dirty, poverty-stricken and filled with delusional people. Part of me wanted to tell people the reality of the position: regeneration, in the sense of convergence, will not happen, because it is not possible. Another part of me told me to 'run like the wind' back down South."
Doctors have warned that both men are now showing irreversible psychological problems.
They said that Barry and Jason told then that dynamic economies require dynamic economic geography and then they made proposals that appeared to be unworkable, unreasonable and perhaps plain barmy.
"They are in a terrible state, but in a better place now and should regain some hope out of their current despair," said doctors.
"The South has a permanent smell of roses, is crime free, rich, full of well-rounded, friendly, unpretentious people," said Jason. "I don't know what possessed us to run away back to the dark ages," said the thoughtful mental patient
Doctors have suggested that people up North would do well to move down South into secure hospitals where they can have their Northernness removed through constant put-downs.
Police also returned six other escapees who doctors didn't recognise and said must be from a different hospital.
"They kept saying they were part of a 'Think Tank' but they were clearly unwell. The worst I've seen in 25 years," said one senior doctor.
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Lapdancing Mps
Gordon Brown Sends Three Cabinet Ministers To Lap Dancing Club To Awaken Their Ability To Function
He took a major step to improving the current state of Britain by attempting to bring three cabinet ministers out of their political stupor. Jack Straw, Alistair Darling and David Miliband were sent on an organised trip to a Westminster lap dancing club - The Greasy Poll - in the hope that they would come out of their near catatonic state and start doing something for the benefit of the country.
Apart from the odd conditioned reflex soundbite, the three had done bugger all to help the beleaguered Prime Minister.
The three ministers certainly responded to some therapeutic dancing and for a short time, their creative juices were flowing.
The Dance of the Seven Veils was the highlight for Jack Straw and he was a willing helper in removing each veil.
At first, David Miliband looked like a smug geography teacher but by the end of the night, he was showing the ladies his party piece - the five finger reshuffle. He later said that the trip was like a busman's holiday as once again he was in a room surrounded by tits.
Alistair Darling, well known for premature taxation, began to think of ways to lower everything and had a sudden urge to fill the hole in the economy.
He took a major step to improving the current state of Britain by attempting to bring three cabinet ministers out of their political stupor. Jack Straw, Alistair Darling and David Miliband were sent on an organised trip to a Westminster lap dancing club - The Greasy Poll - in the hope that they would come out of their near catatonic state and start doing something for the benefit of the country.
Apart from the odd conditioned reflex soundbite, the three had done bugger all to help the beleaguered Prime Minister.
The three ministers certainly responded to some therapeutic dancing and for a short time, their creative juices were flowing.
The Dance of the Seven Veils was the highlight for Jack Straw and he was a willing helper in removing each veil.
At first, David Miliband looked like a smug geography teacher but by the end of the night, he was showing the ladies his party piece - the five finger reshuffle. He later said that the trip was like a busman's holiday as once again he was in a room surrounded by tits.
Alistair Darling, well known for premature taxation, began to think of ways to lower everything and had a sudden urge to fill the hole in the economy.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Ufology Race Storm
The Chief of the West Midlands Ufology Society has been demoted due to remarks made at a conference about Alien probes. Tom Perty was the main speaker at the conference and at the end of the course, he was presented with miniature flying saucer which he remarked was "Green Man's Wings."
Two ufologists on the course complained that they found the remarks offensive and he was hauled before a disciplinary panel, which last week demoted him to the rank of Abductions & First Contact Coordinator.
The National Ufology Society defended their actions but fellow ufologists accused the National body of taking political correctness too far.
"It's a complete over-reaction," said a source. "Personally, I don't think there was anything particularly wrong with what he said as it was just a joke. The National Society seem to spend more time investigating each other these days than they do actually standing on bleak moors in the small hours looking for speeding lights. They're obviously more interested in political correctness than letting experienced ufologists get on with the job of proving we are not all nutters and that aliens are really out there."
Chief Perty, who controlled the West Midlands branch, won praise within ufology circles for his work on improving communication with aliens with the introduction of a basic sign language that both humans and aliens could use during contact.
He once headed the Society's task force that helped investigate green-on-green crime when neighouring aliens met over the skies of the UK.
A spokesman for the National Ufology Society said they had dealt with the Chief in "the appropriate manner."
"The Society expects the highest standards of professionalism and integrity from all its members and staff and has robust procedures in place to deal with behaviour which falls outside those standards," he said.
Critics say the case is the latest example of ufologists being overly sensitive to alien minorities that now walk among us on earth.
Two ufologists on the course complained that they found the remarks offensive and he was hauled before a disciplinary panel, which last week demoted him to the rank of Abductions & First Contact Coordinator.
The National Ufology Society defended their actions but fellow ufologists accused the National body of taking political correctness too far.
"It's a complete over-reaction," said a source. "Personally, I don't think there was anything particularly wrong with what he said as it was just a joke. The National Society seem to spend more time investigating each other these days than they do actually standing on bleak moors in the small hours looking for speeding lights. They're obviously more interested in political correctness than letting experienced ufologists get on with the job of proving we are not all nutters and that aliens are really out there."
Chief Perty, who controlled the West Midlands branch, won praise within ufology circles for his work on improving communication with aliens with the introduction of a basic sign language that both humans and aliens could use during contact.
He once headed the Society's task force that helped investigate green-on-green crime when neighouring aliens met over the skies of the UK.
A spokesman for the National Ufology Society said they had dealt with the Chief in "the appropriate manner."
"The Society expects the highest standards of professionalism and integrity from all its members and staff and has robust procedures in place to deal with behaviour which falls outside those standards," he said.
Critics say the case is the latest example of ufologists being overly sensitive to alien minorities that now walk among us on earth.
Olympics - Closing Ceremony
Chinese Will Let Yang Peiyi Sing In Front Of The Cameras At The Closing Ceremony
Yang Peiyi will be given her chance to shine in front billions when she gets to sing at the closing ceremony.
The Olympic musical director, Chen Qigang, said that she wasn't allowed in front of the cameras at the opening because she was a 'bit of a minger.'
"After several tests, we realised she had a face for radio so we decided to put Lin Miaoke on the live picture, while using Yang Peiyi's voice only. It's like having Barbara Streisand singing behind the curtain and Gisele Bündchen miming out front. She reminds me of Celine Dion. A decent voice with a face that belongs in a paddock," said Chen Qigang. "I suspect she'll grow up and become a beautiful swan, but at the moment she could curdle milk just by looking at it."
He added that special arrangements had now been made and rehearsals were flawless.
It's In The Bag - Yang Peiyi
Far prettier Lin Miaoke had mimed to the world at the opening ceremony as Yang Peiyi sang well out of camera shot. Yang said she was unlikely to be scarred for life, but TV work will not be an option in future.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Olympics - Medal Ceremony
Chinese Olympic officials admitted using a stand-in during a medal ceremony.
Hu Liang had won gold in the 400m freestyle event, but was not on the podium to receive the gold. He was replaced by male model, Tian Jia, as he was viewed as being more aesthetically pleasing than Hu.
Hu Liang is well known throughout China as a champion swimmer with a toned body and 'strong' facial features.
Frightening Physiognomy
"He's really quite scary," said a Chinese official. "We had expected him to win and so we had prepared for the ceremony. While he is swimming, you don't notice his unfortunate face, but once he is out of the water, it really hits home. There's no way we could use close-ups for the medal ceremony. If it was Halloween then we could probably get by. We had thought about the camera panning across the swimmers feet instead of head shots or just sticking to showing the flag, but we felt we needed to get an image across that we are great swimmers and damn fine to look at," added the official.
Hu Liang had won gold in the 400m freestyle event, but was not on the podium to receive the gold. He was replaced by male model, Tian Jia, as he was viewed as being more aesthetically pleasing than Hu.
Hu Liang is well known throughout China as a champion swimmer with a toned body and 'strong' facial features.
Frightening Physiognomy
"He's really quite scary," said a Chinese official. "We had expected him to win and so we had prepared for the ceremony. While he is swimming, you don't notice his unfortunate face, but once he is out of the water, it really hits home. There's no way we could use close-ups for the medal ceremony. If it was Halloween then we could probably get by. We had thought about the camera panning across the swimmers feet instead of head shots or just sticking to showing the flag, but we felt we needed to get an image across that we are great swimmers and damn fine to look at," added the official.
Easy on The Eye
The photogenic Tian Jia conducted post-gold medal interviews with the world's press and was happy to be pictured in a number of seductive poses.
Officials said Hu was proud to be the swimmer behind the face, but sources say he has been spirited away for a year of beauty re-education through hard labour.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Olympics - Diving
Tom Daley and Blake Aldridge Miss Out On Synchronised Showering Medal
Soft Showers -
'We Just Didn't Gel'
Monday, 11 August 2008
Boney M
Barry Manilow Sunbathes On A Beach Amid Concerns Over His Dramatic Weight Loss
Barrry & Mandy Relaxing On Copacabana Beach
"He is spreading himself thin at the moment as he is rehearsing for his new show in Vegas, recording his new album, recording an original rock album and putting together an arena show. As you can see, he's got a lot on his plate," said his PR man
Friends, who have nicknamed the svelte singer - Boney M, are concerned that he does have a lot on his plate, but he doesn't appear to be eating it.
Anorexic Anonymous don't really want to get involved at this stage as they think Barry still looks 'a bit chubby in places' but have said that Barry should follow the general rule of eating less for the perfect body.
Barrry & Mandy Relaxing On Copacabana Beach
"He is spreading himself thin at the moment as he is rehearsing for his new show in Vegas, recording his new album, recording an original rock album and putting together an arena show. As you can see, he's got a lot on his plate," said his PR man
Friends, who have nicknamed the svelte singer - Boney M, are concerned that he does have a lot on his plate, but he doesn't appear to be eating it.
Anorexic Anonymous don't really want to get involved at this stage as they think Barry still looks 'a bit chubby in places' but have said that Barry should follow the general rule of eating less for the perfect body.
Super Burglar's Case Dismissed
Judge Throws Out Case Against Super Burglar For Being Implausible.
Judge Jefferson, 83, threw out the prosecutions case that Jimmy Johnson was the super burglar, who had stolen GBP30 million from stately homes, on the grounds that it 'couldn't possibly be.'
Judge Jefferson repeatedly interrupted the prosecution to ask "Are you sure? What I see before me is a scruffy little toe-rag." The prosecution confirmed he was the super burglar and went on to describe how Johnson lived in a tiny caravan with his 8 children and his wife, who was also his grandmother.
The Judge said he would allow the police some time to find the real burglar(s) but PC Timbrell said that Jimmy Johnson was the man behind the crimes. PC Timbrell went on to describe how Jimmy Johnson had hid his crimes by living the life of a poor waste of space.
The Judge then turned his attentions to Jimmy Johnson
"Look, you're a dirty, ugly, scruffy, smelly toe-rag and yet they say you have stolen GBP30 million. It's a set up isn't it? You've been framed? I mean, look where you live! Look at your clothes, your teeth, your hair. You're nothing more than a tramp in a caravan with no condoms," said the sympathetic Judge.
Johnson nodded to the Judge and said "that's about the size of it, your Honour" looking directly at the jury.
The Judge then dismissed the case and asked for the police to look for some suave, sophisticated criminals living a luxurious lifestyle in Monte Carlo and said he would be writing to the Chief Constable so that 'pathetic, revolting, lazy, bottom-rungers would not be falsely accused of crimes that they showed no outward sign of committing.
He recommended Johnson have a bath even though it wasn't his birthday.
Judge Jefferson, 83, threw out the prosecutions case that Jimmy Johnson was the super burglar, who had stolen GBP30 million from stately homes, on the grounds that it 'couldn't possibly be.'
Judge Jefferson repeatedly interrupted the prosecution to ask "Are you sure? What I see before me is a scruffy little toe-rag." The prosecution confirmed he was the super burglar and went on to describe how Johnson lived in a tiny caravan with his 8 children and his wife, who was also his grandmother.
The Judge said he would allow the police some time to find the real burglar(s) but PC Timbrell said that Jimmy Johnson was the man behind the crimes. PC Timbrell went on to describe how Jimmy Johnson had hid his crimes by living the life of a poor waste of space.
The Judge then turned his attentions to Jimmy Johnson
"Look, you're a dirty, ugly, scruffy, smelly toe-rag and yet they say you have stolen GBP30 million. It's a set up isn't it? You've been framed? I mean, look where you live! Look at your clothes, your teeth, your hair. You're nothing more than a tramp in a caravan with no condoms," said the sympathetic Judge.
Johnson nodded to the Judge and said "that's about the size of it, your Honour" looking directly at the jury.
The Judge then dismissed the case and asked for the police to look for some suave, sophisticated criminals living a luxurious lifestyle in Monte Carlo and said he would be writing to the Chief Constable so that 'pathetic, revolting, lazy, bottom-rungers would not be falsely accused of crimes that they showed no outward sign of committing.
He recommended Johnson have a bath even though it wasn't his birthday.
Friday, 8 August 2008
Paula Radcliffe's Potty
Paula Radcliffe Goes Potty Before Marathon Run
Paula Radcliffe is to run clean and has been given the all clear to run with her new potty gadget. 
Paula's Pink Olympic Ring Won't Be On Show
The remote control potty, known as Paula's Portable Potty, will be allowed to follow behind her and is remotely controlled by her coach who will ride pillion on a motorcycle.
"If she wants to go more than once then the crap will really hit the fans, who will be lining the streets," said her coach.
Paula Radcliffe is to run clean and has been given the all clear to run with her new potty gadget.
Paula's Pink Olympic Ring Won't Be On Show
Potty Training
Paula Radcliffe has been road-testing the new product to assist her during her marathon run.
The remote control potty, known as Paula's Portable Potty, will be allowed to follow behind her and is remotely controlled by her coach who will ride pillion on a motorcycle.
"If she wants to go more than once then the crap will really hit the fans, who will be lining the streets," said her coach.
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