1. Become lead singer of Queen
2. Do Live Aid
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Qantas Jet Hole
Qantas jet probe links hole with supermodel locked in the hold
A possible explosive temper tantrum from supermodel Naomi Campbell, who had been locked in the hold for the safety of other passengers, may have been the cause of a huge hole that appeared in the Qantas Boeing 747 plane. Miss Campbell had been locked in the hold as a precaution, as she looked a 'bit stroppy' as she boarded the plane. She had complained that she had lost luggage in the past and didn't want to be separated from it and the crew complied with her wish.
The plane was flying to Melbourne when it had to make an emergency landing in the Philippines on Friday. Passengers reported loud banging and possibly swearing . It appears to have been loud enough to have woken passengers who were sleeping. The crew handed out ear-plugs immediately, but then there was rapid decompression of the cabin.
Investigator Neville Blyth said that Miss Campbell was the only thing missing from the plane when it landed, but it's still "too early to say whether she was the cause of the hole." He confirmed that a jewel-encrusted mobile phone and BlackBerry Personal Organiser had been found by the hole. Mr Blyth added that they were checking the runway as it wouldn't be the first time she had taken a tumble on one.
Her PA has been informed that Miss Campbell is missing and the shock has left her face stuck with a permanent grin.
"At this stage, there is no evidence whatsoever that this is just the plane falling to bits," Mr Blyth, a senior investigator from the Australian Transport and Safety Bureau, told a news conference in Manila.
"Philippine bomb-sniffing dogs have gone through the hold and found no indication of explosives or bomb residues, but did pick up the scent of Cat Deluxe At Night," Mr Blyth said.
Qantas has been told to inspect the whole of its Boeing 747 fleet for temperamental passengers.
A possible explosive temper tantrum from supermodel Naomi Campbell, who had been locked in the hold for the safety of other passengers, may have been the cause of a huge hole that appeared in the Qantas Boeing 747 plane. Miss Campbell had been locked in the hold as a precaution, as she looked a 'bit stroppy' as she boarded the plane. She had complained that she had lost luggage in the past and didn't want to be separated from it and the crew complied with her wish.
The plane was flying to Melbourne when it had to make an emergency landing in the Philippines on Friday. Passengers reported loud banging and possibly swearing . It appears to have been loud enough to have woken passengers who were sleeping. The crew handed out ear-plugs immediately, but then there was rapid decompression of the cabin.
Investigator Neville Blyth said that Miss Campbell was the only thing missing from the plane when it landed, but it's still "too early to say whether she was the cause of the hole." He confirmed that a jewel-encrusted mobile phone and BlackBerry Personal Organiser had been found by the hole. Mr Blyth added that they were checking the runway as it wouldn't be the first time she had taken a tumble on one.
Her PA has been informed that Miss Campbell is missing and the shock has left her face stuck with a permanent grin.
"At this stage, there is no evidence whatsoever that this is just the plane falling to bits," Mr Blyth, a senior investigator from the Australian Transport and Safety Bureau, told a news conference in Manila.
"Philippine bomb-sniffing dogs have gone through the hold and found no indication of explosives or bomb residues, but did pick up the scent of Cat Deluxe At Night," Mr Blyth said.
Qantas has been told to inspect the whole of its Boeing 747 fleet for temperamental passengers.
Spanks A Lot
The News Of the World redeemed themselves by sending Max Mosley a lovely cake to show no hard feelings
Marriage Proposals
Marriage will no longer have to be for life but will now be for a fixed period of time determined by the happy couple. The government have brought in the measure to help reduce the divorce rate and to give people a way out to avoid the stigma of marriage failure and to put them out of their misery.
Marriage will now offer choices as to how long you expect to be married. Friends, relatives and complete strangers can all help and advise as to what term best suits you, but ultimately it will be the doting couples decision.
New Terms are:
2 years (celebrity)
4 years (honest mistake)
5to6 years (more to life)
7to10 years (itching to escape)
11to19 years (kids gone, bye)
20+ years (no parole)
"Obviously, we want people to enjoy their marriage, however short-lived, and we ask people to have realistic expectations as to how they long they expect to be married. When a friend says "It'll never last" or "I give it 6 months" then the couple should take heed of this advice and choose a marriage plan to suit their utterly inevitable marriage collapse," said the Minister For Families.
"We have tried to cover most groups. There are some people who should never have got married. Everyone told them so but they went ahead anyway.
The 2 year bracket gives them hope of an early release and they can show they were committed for the time period they chose.
The 4 year bracket is more for the honest mistake. You don't really know a person until you're with them 24/7 and partners can be really tedious after a while, especially as you discover their little ways, habits and foibles. They confused lust with love. 4 years isn't a long wait to be free. You gave it your best shot.
The 5-7 years is the 'Beginning of the Itch' or 'pre-Itch' as we call it. You've probably got young kids and you're permanently tired. Everywhere is telling you there's a better life out there. Wouldn't it be nice to just walk away after your term ends. No guilt and no stigma. Future partners will be impressed at your past commitment.
"7-10 years is the 'Itch' and people really do want out. We see this as a popular option. This gives couples a chance to finish their term and go back to their first love that they have recently contacted on Friends Reunited. Everyone's happy.
The 11-19 years is for couples who know that they would struggle to part for the sake of the children, they plan to have. This option has quite a spread of years so they can choose a period as to when they feel the kids are at an age where the impact is less.
20+ years is for 'old-school' but it's really just a token gesture and is unlikely to be taken up. You could murder someone and be out quicker, although we don't recommend that," said the Minister.
Celebrities have voiced concerns that the shortest options seems to be 2 years and want a special 1 year license or just a few months if possible. "We find that our members tend to have short, passionate marriages that fizzle out after they have sold the wedding pictures and enough stories about how in love and happy they are. We would like this reflected in the options and a more realistic '6-8 months' would be ideal," said a spokesman for celebrities
.
Tied into these new marriage arrangements is what happens when your chosen term ends.
"Once your term ends, you can marry someone else as quickly as the next day. Being married a number of times will actually show you are a commited person, for a specified time period. You can be Elizabeth Taylor without the failure rate," said the Minister
"You can certainly extend your period if you defy the critics and are still happy and in love. There's no need to re-marry the same person. We recommend '1 year rolling contracts' as love can turn to misery in a short space of time. If you decide that the end of the term is the end of the marriage then you can just shake hands and wish each other well for the future. Women will get the kids and the house, so no change of policy there, except we've taken away the formality of court proceedings. The added bonus is that lawyers won't bleed you dry of money as they drag out the inevitable. I can also avoid having men dressed as super heroes on my roof," said the Minister.
New vows are to be added so as to add clarity.
"Whatever happens, we can at least get out before one of us dies, but you'll do for the next[insert your fixed term here] years. That is my solemn vow."
The church, as a whole, has welcomed the move. "Who cares! Everyone is going to hell in a handcart," said a church spokesperson who was a man and definitely not a woman.
Marriage will now offer choices as to how long you expect to be married. Friends, relatives and complete strangers can all help and advise as to what term best suits you, but ultimately it will be the doting couples decision.
New Terms are:
2 years (celebrity)
4 years (honest mistake)
5to6 years (more to life)
7to10 years (itching to escape)
11to19 years (kids gone, bye)
20+ years (no parole)
"Obviously, we want people to enjoy their marriage, however short-lived, and we ask people to have realistic expectations as to how they long they expect to be married. When a friend says "It'll never last" or "I give it 6 months" then the couple should take heed of this advice and choose a marriage plan to suit their utterly inevitable marriage collapse," said the Minister For Families.
"We have tried to cover most groups. There are some people who should never have got married. Everyone told them so but they went ahead anyway.
The 2 year bracket gives them hope of an early release and they can show they were committed for the time period they chose.
The 4 year bracket is more for the honest mistake. You don't really know a person until you're with them 24/7 and partners can be really tedious after a while, especially as you discover their little ways, habits and foibles. They confused lust with love. 4 years isn't a long wait to be free. You gave it your best shot.
The 5-7 years is the 'Beginning of the Itch' or 'pre-Itch' as we call it. You've probably got young kids and you're permanently tired. Everywhere is telling you there's a better life out there. Wouldn't it be nice to just walk away after your term ends. No guilt and no stigma. Future partners will be impressed at your past commitment.
"7-10 years is the 'Itch' and people really do want out. We see this as a popular option. This gives couples a chance to finish their term and go back to their first love that they have recently contacted on Friends Reunited. Everyone's happy.
The 11-19 years is for couples who know that they would struggle to part for the sake of the children, they plan to have. This option has quite a spread of years so they can choose a period as to when they feel the kids are at an age where the impact is less.
20+ years is for 'old-school' but it's really just a token gesture and is unlikely to be taken up. You could murder someone and be out quicker, although we don't recommend that," said the Minister.
Celebrities have voiced concerns that the shortest options seems to be 2 years and want a special 1 year license or just a few months if possible. "We find that our members tend to have short, passionate marriages that fizzle out after they have sold the wedding pictures and enough stories about how in love and happy they are. We would like this reflected in the options and a more realistic '6-8 months' would be ideal," said a spokesman for celebrities
.
Tied into these new marriage arrangements is what happens when your chosen term ends.
"Once your term ends, you can marry someone else as quickly as the next day. Being married a number of times will actually show you are a commited person, for a specified time period. You can be Elizabeth Taylor without the failure rate," said the Minister
"You can certainly extend your period if you defy the critics and are still happy and in love. There's no need to re-marry the same person. We recommend '1 year rolling contracts' as love can turn to misery in a short space of time. If you decide that the end of the term is the end of the marriage then you can just shake hands and wish each other well for the future. Women will get the kids and the house, so no change of policy there, except we've taken away the formality of court proceedings. The added bonus is that lawyers won't bleed you dry of money as they drag out the inevitable. I can also avoid having men dressed as super heroes on my roof," said the Minister.
New vows are to be added so as to add clarity.
"Whatever happens, we can at least get out before one of us dies, but you'll do for the next[insert your fixed term here] years. That is my solemn vow."
The church, as a whole, has welcomed the move. "Who cares! Everyone is going to hell in a handcart," said a church spokesperson who was a man and definitely not a woman.
Friday, 25 July 2008
Darwins Helped By Secret Network
Network Of Missing People Helped Darwins In Fraud Scam
Once you go missing, you are flown to a country of your choice where you will never be found. While there, you are introduced to a network of currently 'missing - may even be dead' people.
On arrival, you get a 'How To Stay Missing Starter Pack' and you are given local contacts who will sort out your basics of accommodation, transport and the lay of the land etc.
A picture has surfaced that Anne Darwin was met at the airport by Shergar and transported to a secret location.....
A Disguised Shergar Played His Part
It's Lucan Kinda Dodgy
Meanwhile, the Darwins children have taken to disguising themselves in public.
The true scale of deceit of the canoe couple and who helped them has been revealed after they were both sent down for fraud.
At first, it was believed that the couple who tricked police, insurance companies and, most cruelly, their own sons had acted alone, but this was not the case.
Pictures and emails showed that they contacted a secret missing persons network - Unfindable Inc, most commonly used by despots, terrorists and tyrants. People wishing to go missing are sent details of how to go missing for only £99. There are a series of plans and you choose the plan that you think you can get away with. The Darwins chose the Canoe and Adjacent Bedsit Plan. Unfindable Inc then advise how to go missing, set up accounts, how to cry at funerals and how to lie to everyone in a convincing manner.
Once you go missing, you are flown to a country of your choice where you will never be found. While there, you are introduced to a network of currently 'missing - may even be dead' people.
On arrival, you get a 'How To Stay Missing Starter Pack' and you are given local contacts who will sort out your basics of accommodation, transport and the lay of the land etc.
A picture has surfaced that Anne Darwin was met at the airport by Shergar and transported to a secret location.....
A Disguised Shergar Played His Part
..where she was given the keys to a vehicle supplied by Lucan's Motors.....
It's Lucan Kinda Dodgy
'......and she drove off to the Osama Properties head office to meet up with her dead husband and Osama Bin Laden
I've Bin Expecting You
I've Bin Expecting You
Unfindable Inc said that some high profile people had been found such as Saddam Hussein and Radovan Karadzic, but they had gone against advice and had not moved to another country. "As for the Darwins, well.... he handed himself in and they posed for pictures.... the daft sods," said a spokesman.
Rumour has it that Gordon Brown is interested in their 'Back Benches Plan'
Meanwhile, the Darwins children have taken to disguising themselves in public.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Radovan Karadzic is Father Ted
Radovan Karadzic sensationally arrested in West End theatre while playing Father Ted
War crimes supsect, Radovan Karadzic, was arrested during the stage show of Father Ted. He has been playing Father Ted Crilly in the stage version of the hit TV show for about 2 months and was expected to complete the 6 month run.
He has been on the run for 10 years and was only caught after a tip-off from a woman who googled 'Radovan Karadzic' and 'Father Ted' and 'West End' and this picture flashed up on the screen.
Plans were made for his immediate arrest during the evening performance of Father Ted - Live.
The cast and the audience were unaware of what was unfolding before them. Lance Tremlott was part of the audience and said that the majority believed it was all part of the show.
The cast and the audience were unaware of what was unfolding before them. Lance Tremlott was part of the audience and said that the majority believed it was all part of the show.
"Ted and Father Dougal had just finished singing 'My Lovely Horse' when two butch nuns ran on and pinned Father Ted to the ground. "You're under arrest for suspected war crimes in Srebrenica in 1995" said one of the nuns. I now know it was two undercover policemen in drag, but it felt like part of the show at the time. Father Dougal looked confused as usual and Father Jack was repeatedly shouting '"feck" and "a*se" and "genocide" and we, in the audience, were in hysterics," said Lance.
Pauline McLynn, who plays Mrs Doyle, tried to keep the scene going:
Mrs D: You'll have some tea...
Father Ted: I'm being arrested for war crimes, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs D: Are you sure you don't want any, Father?
Father Ted: I'm off to The Hague, Mrs Doyle. Tea will have to wait.
Mrs D: Aw go on, you'll have some.
Father Ted: I really can't, Mrs Doyle. I can't hold the fecking cup. I'm in handcuffs.
Mrs D: Aww Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!
The audience loved it.
Producer, Cecil B. Troughton, said that Radovan Karadzic would not have been hired if he had put 'Indicted by the UN for suspected war crimes' on his CV. He stood out at audition. It was like Dermot Morgan, the original and much-missed Father Ted, was back among us.
"I've decided to make 'the arrest scene' part of the show. It went down well with the audience. He'll be hard to replace. Has anyone got Bobby Davro's number?" said Cecil
Friday, 18 July 2008
Donkey Punch
Donkey punch is not recommended during sex, say doctors
But a few glasses beforehand to get you in the mood is ok
But a few glasses beforehand to get you in the mood is ok
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Bestestware Top Picks
Finger Checker
Before buying an expensive pair of gloves, check how many fingers you have. Put this pre-glove glove on. Easy to use. Just count how many of the finger receivers are filled. You'll be glad you did - £6-99 each
Friendly Moth Catcher
Catch Moths safely with this RSPCA approved moth catcher. Just put a piece of an old suit inside the tube and switch the bright light on. Uses 3 AA batteries (not included). Lasts about 2 hours with continuous use. Would make a lovely wedding gift - £3.99 each £7-97 for two
Hearing Aid Chair
Can't hear what's on the TV or someone talking in the room? Then you need the revolutionary Hearing Aid Chair. It's fitted with especially fast castors that make it easier for you to glide closer to the sound source. Adjustable seat and comes with oil for the wheels - £45-99 each
Immersion Tank Cleaner
Fed up at the dirt inside your immersion tank? No problem. Just put in some of our Immersion Tank Cleaner which is exclusive to us. Just leave for 3 months and then enjoy the results - £8-99 200ml, £15.03 400ml
Foot Widener
Shoes too big or wide for your feet? Don't buy a pair that fits properly. Save time and money with our Foot Widener. It fits like a very thick sock. Can make shoes that are up to four times too big feel like a normal fit. £19-99 each
Butternut Squash Protector
Great way to protect and keep your butternut squash fresh. Comes in one colour for your convenience. Comes with free aubergine peeler. Buy two and save 3p - £4--99 each £9-95 for two
Twin Back Scratcher - Best Seller
How many times have you picked up the back scratcher and your partner wants it too? Avoid marital strife and buy the twin back scratcher. It looks awkward to use, but is really quite simple. Friends will be jealous - £9-95 each
Cat Umbrella - Editors Choice
Cats don't like water. Avoid them being stressed when you put them out in the rain. This brolly is easy to attach. The cat won't know it's there. Not to be used with a catflap - £15-98 each
Half Step Ladder
Avoid standing on tip toes with the half step ladder. Just unfold the ladder and gain an extra 6 inches in height. Can be set-up in minutes. Plastic look. Useful addition to the kitchen. Buy two - one for downstairs and one for upstairs - £10-95
Under The Eaves Duster - Handle Extends To 30ft
It's that time of year again when you need to dust under the eaves. Your step ladder is 25ft too short. Help is at hand with the extendable Under The Eaves Duster - Bargain GBP35-00
Pocket TV Advert Telescope
Can't read the small print that appears on adverts? How many times have you signed up for mobile downloads only to be charged an excessive amount every week and you don't know the number to text to cancel it? Avoid being caught out with our TV Telescope. It comes with a handy chair attachment so it's within easy reach - £12-98 each
Mole Patches
Unsightly moles on your face and body? Avoid being hideous in public with discreet mole patches. Ten patches per packet. Pink, yellow and lime green available - £4.99 per packet
Snail Hutch
Make friends with your little friends in the garden. Delightful snail hutch. Your snails will thank you. £17-25 each
Before buying an expensive pair of gloves, check how many fingers you have. Put this pre-glove glove on. Easy to use. Just count how many of the finger receivers are filled. You'll be glad you did - £6-99 each
Friendly Moth Catcher
Catch Moths safely with this RSPCA approved moth catcher. Just put a piece of an old suit inside the tube and switch the bright light on. Uses 3 AA batteries (not included). Lasts about 2 hours with continuous use. Would make a lovely wedding gift - £3.99 each £7-97 for two
Hearing Aid Chair
Can't hear what's on the TV or someone talking in the room? Then you need the revolutionary Hearing Aid Chair. It's fitted with especially fast castors that make it easier for you to glide closer to the sound source. Adjustable seat and comes with oil for the wheels - £45-99 each
Immersion Tank Cleaner
Fed up at the dirt inside your immersion tank? No problem. Just put in some of our Immersion Tank Cleaner which is exclusive to us. Just leave for 3 months and then enjoy the results - £8-99 200ml, £15.03 400ml
Foot Widener
Shoes too big or wide for your feet? Don't buy a pair that fits properly. Save time and money with our Foot Widener. It fits like a very thick sock. Can make shoes that are up to four times too big feel like a normal fit. £19-99 each
Butternut Squash Protector
Great way to protect and keep your butternut squash fresh. Comes in one colour for your convenience. Comes with free aubergine peeler. Buy two and save 3p - £4--99 each £9-95 for two
Twin Back Scratcher - Best Seller
How many times have you picked up the back scratcher and your partner wants it too? Avoid marital strife and buy the twin back scratcher. It looks awkward to use, but is really quite simple. Friends will be jealous - £9-95 each
Cat Umbrella - Editors Choice
Cats don't like water. Avoid them being stressed when you put them out in the rain. This brolly is easy to attach. The cat won't know it's there. Not to be used with a catflap - £15-98 each
Half Step Ladder
Avoid standing on tip toes with the half step ladder. Just unfold the ladder and gain an extra 6 inches in height. Can be set-up in minutes. Plastic look. Useful addition to the kitchen. Buy two - one for downstairs and one for upstairs - £10-95
Under The Eaves Duster - Handle Extends To 30ft
It's that time of year again when you need to dust under the eaves. Your step ladder is 25ft too short. Help is at hand with the extendable Under The Eaves Duster - Bargain GBP35-00
Pocket TV Advert Telescope
Can't read the small print that appears on adverts? How many times have you signed up for mobile downloads only to be charged an excessive amount every week and you don't know the number to text to cancel it? Avoid being caught out with our TV Telescope. It comes with a handy chair attachment so it's within easy reach - £12-98 each
Mole Patches
Unsightly moles on your face and body? Avoid being hideous in public with discreet mole patches. Ten patches per packet. Pink, yellow and lime green available - £4.99 per packet
Snail Hutch
Make friends with your little friends in the garden. Delightful snail hutch. Your snails will thank you. £17-25 each
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Prototype Conceptions
Car Manufacturers Call For prototypes To At least Slightly Resemble the End Product
The car industry has called on the prototype maker to make them a little bit more like what ends up on saleroom forecourts. All prototypes are currently made by one firm - ProtoConcept Ltd - which is run by Terry Walsh. He has been building prototypes for 25 years.
"I love making a prototype and then seeing the finished article. The prototypes I make address the concerns of the manufacturer and the consumer and so they can usually do 400 miles to the gallon and 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. There's also plenty of leg room, headroom and a spacious boot. Really though, prototypes are not about statistics and practicality or price etc. It's all about looking good on a revolving podium at a motor show. Hey, sometimes I even leave out the engine to make it look good. Also, one of the key factors is creating a daft way to open the doors. Sometimes the only way in is through the sunroof," said Terry
Terry's latest projects though have caused a stir and the car industry has voiced 'concerns' over the prototypes. Terry recently had a campaigns for Renault.
Terry's Renault Clio Prototype
A car industry spokesperson said that the prototype, although reasonably stylish, was ' a mile away' from the end product and were 'fanciful' and 'never ever going to be anything like the finished design.'
"Not too far way if you ask me," said Terry.
Terry's work for those car firms attracted Ferrari who wanted a prototype for the soon-to-be-built - Ferrari Cxx turbo i. It became the most talked about prototype at the 2008 Motor Show and every other show. Ferrari said that although it did answer the brief of 'an eye-catching two-seater,' it was not quite what they expected
Terry's Ferrari Cxx turbo i Prototype
Not all of Terry's prototypes have been questioned though. Sir Clive Sinclair asked Terry for a prototype of the Sinclair C5 and ended up using Terry's design with little change to the original
The car industry has called on the prototype maker to make them a little bit more like what ends up on saleroom forecourts. All prototypes are currently made by one firm - ProtoConcept Ltd - which is run by Terry Walsh. He has been building prototypes for 25 years.
"I love making a prototype and then seeing the finished article. The prototypes I make address the concerns of the manufacturer and the consumer and so they can usually do 400 miles to the gallon and 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. There's also plenty of leg room, headroom and a spacious boot. Really though, prototypes are not about statistics and practicality or price etc. It's all about looking good on a revolving podium at a motor show. Hey, sometimes I even leave out the engine to make it look good. Also, one of the key factors is creating a daft way to open the doors. Sometimes the only way in is through the sunroof," said Terry
Terry's latest projects though have caused a stir and the car industry has voiced 'concerns' over the prototypes. Terry recently had a campaigns for Renault.
Terry's Renault Clio Prototype
A car industry spokesperson said that the prototype, although reasonably stylish, was ' a mile away' from the end product and were 'fanciful' and 'never ever going to be anything like the finished design.'
"Not too far way if you ask me," said Terry.
Terry's work for those car firms attracted Ferrari who wanted a prototype for the soon-to-be-built - Ferrari Cxx turbo i. It became the most talked about prototype at the 2008 Motor Show and every other show. Ferrari said that although it did answer the brief of 'an eye-catching two-seater,' it was not quite what they expected
Terry's Ferrari Cxx turbo i Prototype
Not all of Terry's prototypes have been questioned though. Sir Clive Sinclair asked Terry for a prototype of the Sinclair C5 and ended up using Terry's design with little change to the original
Bouncers: Road Control
Bouncers, or automobile eviction technicians, as they like to be called, are to continue to be in charge of who gets to travel down certain major roads. A pilot scheme has proved a success with greater traffic flow and fewer accidents and less trouble being reported.
The Security Industry Authority (SIA) that represents bouncers says that people are generally pretty frightened of the bouncers and this gives them the authority to be totally selective based on very little other than whether they like you or not.
"I looked at him and asked why not? "Spoilers mate! You aint entering this road tonight with spoilers," he said. I said that a car full of pretty girls went through and they had spoilers on. "That's different," he said, giving me a well-hard stare. Any excuse! I don't think he liked the way I looked or that I was young male out with my mates. He then said that I could only drive through if I had jump leads. I got them out of the boot and he said "Ok, but don't start anything." A lot of lads are having the same trouble. Seems like I'll have to wear a skimpy dress otherwise I'll be on B roads for the rest of my life," said Tim
Overall though, the response has been good. Motoring organisations have welcomed it. The AA said that the scheme had cut down a lot of trouble on the roads and the security was well regulated. "Young males and old people cause a lot of problems on the roads and they are being forced to trickle down minor roads. Any sign of any trouble on major roads is dealt with fairly quickly. The bouncers just wade in and remove trouble off the roads at the next available junction. Mainly, they deal with the problem before it begins by making an assessment at the start of the road.Unless you're tasty totty then we would advise drivers to make sure their face fits before attempting to drive on a major road," said the AA statement.
The Security Industry Authority (SIA) that represents bouncers says that people are generally pretty frightened of the bouncers and this gives them the authority to be totally selective based on very little other than whether they like you or not.
Tim Johnson recently had such an experience and has 'concerns' over meatheads running the roads:
" I was queuing up to use the A451 with a few mates in my Ford Mondeo. The rope was lifted and the bouncer was letting people continue on their journey. I could hear him saying "you can drive through and you and you and you" and then as I got to the front he said "not you, sunshine" to my surprise, " said Tim.
"I looked at him and asked why not? "Spoilers mate! You aint entering this road tonight with spoilers," he said. I said that a car full of pretty girls went through and they had spoilers on. "That's different," he said, giving me a well-hard stare. Any excuse! I don't think he liked the way I looked or that I was young male out with my mates. He then said that I could only drive through if I had jump leads. I got them out of the boot and he said "Ok, but don't start anything." A lot of lads are having the same trouble. Seems like I'll have to wear a skimpy dress otherwise I'll be on B roads for the rest of my life," said Tim
Overall though, the response has been good. Motoring organisations have welcomed it. The AA said that the scheme had cut down a lot of trouble on the roads and the security was well regulated. "Young males and old people cause a lot of problems on the roads and they are being forced to trickle down minor roads. Any sign of any trouble on major roads is dealt with fairly quickly. The bouncers just wade in and remove trouble off the roads at the next available junction. Mainly, they deal with the problem before it begins by making an assessment at the start of the road.Unless you're tasty totty then we would advise drivers to make sure their face fits before attempting to drive on a major road," said the AA statement.
Friday, 11 July 2008
A Dyslexic Bat Walks Into A Bra
Teenager finds bat asleep in bra
A teenager who thought movement in her underwear was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra.
Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, had been wearing the bra for five hours when she plucked up the courage to investigate.
When she did, she found a baby bat in padding in her 34FF bra. The hotel receptionist said she was shocked but felt bad for removing the "cuddly" bat. "It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it," she said.
She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear.
"I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat.
"That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark. I was shaking from head to toe.
"It looked quite cosy and comfortable in there so it was quite rude of me to take it out.
"When I realised it was a bat the first thing that occurred to me was how did it get in there.
"I felt quite sorry for it. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.
"I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.
"The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before.
"When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket."
The bat was captured by one of her colleagues and released.
Seems there have been a few things that have occured since the story broke:
Jordan's bra has burst open
The RSPCA said the number of volunteers to search for baby bats is at an all time high.
And more interestingly, a cave full of bat roosts has been found in Norwich.
A teenager who thought movement in her underwear was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra.
Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, had been wearing the bra for five hours when she plucked up the courage to investigate.
When she did, she found a baby bat in padding in her 34FF bra. The hotel receptionist said she was shocked but felt bad for removing the "cuddly" bat. "It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it," she said.
She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear.
"I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat.
"That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark. I was shaking from head to toe.
"It looked quite cosy and comfortable in there so it was quite rude of me to take it out.
"When I realised it was a bat the first thing that occurred to me was how did it get in there.
"I felt quite sorry for it. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.
"I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.
"The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before.
"When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket."
The bat was captured by one of her colleagues and released.
Seems there have been a few things that have occured since the story broke:
Jordan's bra has burst open
The RSPCA said the number of volunteers to search for baby bats is at an all time high.
And more interestingly, a cave full of bat roosts has been found in Norwich.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
Politics
David Cameron Stands By 'Policy In The Woodpile' Peer
Lord Dixon-Smith, the Tory spokesman for communities and local government, apologised profusely to the House of Lords when he realised the offence he had caused, and later explained that the expression had been in common use when he was younger. Another Tory peer, Lord Brooke of Sutton Mandeville, intervened to suggest that Lord Dixon-Smith might care to revise his words and he rushed to correct himself.
"In the old days, we used the word 'policy' all the time. We had policies for everything such as the economy, health, education, law and order etc.It was common parlance when I was younger and it slipped out without me thinking," said Lord Dixon-Smith.
A spokeperson for David Cameron said, "This was not an appropriate thing to say and it was absolutely right that he apologised to the House."
David Cameron later confirmed that the Tories had not used the word 'policy' since he's been leader.
'Policy' is a deliberate plan of action to guide decisions and achieve rational outcome(s). The now out-of-favour phrase is not a widely used term and is no long used by the Conservatives at all. Although policies can be used in a positive way, the most common usage is to use it in a negative way. Lady Thatcher and Tony Blair are recent examples of this. Positive policies are mostly short-lived whereas negative policies can linger for years. Prime Minister Gordon Brown is having problems with the latter.
During his apologies Lord Dixon-Smith said he had "left his brains behind" but this part was rejected as they all do that every day.
Lord Dixon-Smith, the Tory spokesman for communities and local government, apologised profusely to the House of Lords when he realised the offence he had caused, and later explained that the expression had been in common use when he was younger. Another Tory peer, Lord Brooke of Sutton Mandeville, intervened to suggest that Lord Dixon-Smith might care to revise his words and he rushed to correct himself.
"In the old days, we used the word 'policy' all the time. We had policies for everything such as the economy, health, education, law and order etc.It was common parlance when I was younger and it slipped out without me thinking," said Lord Dixon-Smith.
A spokeperson for David Cameron said, "This was not an appropriate thing to say and it was absolutely right that he apologised to the House."
David Cameron later confirmed that the Tories had not used the word 'policy' since he's been leader.
'Policy' is a deliberate plan of action to guide decisions and achieve rational outcome(s). The now out-of-favour phrase is not a widely used term and is no long used by the Conservatives at all. Although policies can be used in a positive way, the most common usage is to use it in a negative way. Lady Thatcher and Tony Blair are recent examples of this. Positive policies are mostly short-lived whereas negative policies can linger for years. Prime Minister Gordon Brown is having problems with the latter.
During his apologies Lord Dixon-Smith said he had "left his brains behind" but this part was rejected as they all do that every day.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Music - James Blunt Lacking Muse
Fans of James Blunt have decided to be proactive in saving his career by trying to force his girlfriend to dump him.
Problems began when James Blunt released his much anticipated third album. His debut album - Back To Bedlam - sold an incredible 15 million copies and his follow up album - All the Lost Souls - has sold 8 million so far. His melancholic misery of pain and longing and lost love coupled with his warbled falsetto has really struck a chord, especially with unfulfilled women. He redefined bland. It was lift music for the heart. Fans expected more of the same.
Sadly, Blunt has been dating model Claudia Hemcovak and he's happy and contented. He's got several houses, lives in Ibiza and has an enormous pile of cash. This is fantastic for him, but his song writing has suffered somewhat. Rumours that he was off in a different musical direction came to the fore when the title of his third album was revealed - I Feel Bloody Great.
Track listings were a worry ahead of its release: Hello My lover, Higher, You're Stunning, No Mistakes This time, Much Wiserman, No Crying, Smiles & Sunshine, You're Mine - Wahey!, She Loves Me (Rah Rah Rah), 1999, Matching Pullovers, I Miss You The Most, Our Song, Will You Be My Wife and You Complete Me.
Number one fan, Sandra Smythe, has no doubts that James needs to be given a good old fashioned emotional beating from his girlfriend. "The sooner she sleeps with his best mate, humiliates him and then dumps him, or the other way around, the better it will be for everyone. He may be happy and loved-up, but he's got nothing to write about. We don't want to hear how marvellous life is. He made need a spell in Afghanistan to find his muse again. We want heartache, tears, unfulfilled dreams, abject misery and resignation to what will never be........(sob)
Even men have voiced concerns. "When I did the dirty or dumped a bird, I just gave her a James Blunt cd. She would have a good whinge, say how James understood her and even accept it was probably her fault as deep down I loved her. It was a crock of crap, of course, but it got me off the hook. This new stuff puts the Brotherhood of Man to shame," said one single man.
Fans have been in talks with Blunt and his girlfriend and a compromise has been reached. Blunt has agreed to a trial separation in order to pen some more classics. He'd written 'I Can't Go On Without You' even before he'd left the room.
Problems began when James Blunt released his much anticipated third album. His debut album - Back To Bedlam - sold an incredible 15 million copies and his follow up album - All the Lost Souls - has sold 8 million so far. His melancholic misery of pain and longing and lost love coupled with his warbled falsetto has really struck a chord, especially with unfulfilled women. He redefined bland. It was lift music for the heart. Fans expected more of the same.
Sadly, Blunt has been dating model Claudia Hemcovak and he's happy and contented. He's got several houses, lives in Ibiza and has an enormous pile of cash. This is fantastic for him, but his song writing has suffered somewhat. Rumours that he was off in a different musical direction came to the fore when the title of his third album was revealed - I Feel Bloody Great.Track listings were a worry ahead of its release: Hello My lover, Higher, You're Stunning, No Mistakes This time, Much Wiserman, No Crying, Smiles & Sunshine, You're Mine - Wahey!, She Loves Me (Rah Rah Rah), 1999, Matching Pullovers, I Miss You The Most, Our Song, Will You Be My Wife and You Complete Me.
Number one fan, Sandra Smythe, has no doubts that James needs to be given a good old fashioned emotional beating from his girlfriend. "The sooner she sleeps with his best mate, humiliates him and then dumps him, or the other way around, the better it will be for everyone. He may be happy and loved-up, but he's got nothing to write about. We don't want to hear how marvellous life is. He made need a spell in Afghanistan to find his muse again. We want heartache, tears, unfulfilled dreams, abject misery and resignation to what will never be........(sob)
Even men have voiced concerns. "When I did the dirty or dumped a bird, I just gave her a James Blunt cd. She would have a good whinge, say how James understood her and even accept it was probably her fault as deep down I loved her. It was a crock of crap, of course, but it got me off the hook. This new stuff puts the Brotherhood of Man to shame," said one single man.
Fans have been in talks with Blunt and his girlfriend and a compromise has been reached. Blunt has agreed to a trial separation in order to pen some more classics. He'd written 'I Can't Go On Without You' even before he'd left the room.
TV Review - The Lost Generation Game
A new series - The Lost Generation Game, with Bruce Forsyth - was launched by the BBC last night. The king of saturday night light-entertainment was at the helm as usual.
Bruce sang the intro:
Knife is the way that we maim and I wanna thrust my blade in you
Life was so terribly tame, but now I'm gonna cut you in two
And I really wanna hurt you
Bruce began the programme with his usual catchphrase - Knife to see you, to see you - Knife!
Bruce introduced the couples. It was (pa)rents and knife-wielding deadbeat offspring - So it was 4 mother and son couples
Various games were played:
Where's my daddy? - They had to write down possible postcodes as to where they could be
How much can you drink? - 2 minutes to drink as much as they could. Bonus points for leery,
snarling, obnoxious behaviour
Keep Off My Turf! - Had to demonstrate how to confront someone from another gang. Bonus points for violence, threatening behaviour and use of knife. 'Good maim, good maim,' said Brucie
Harass and Abuse - Points awarded for soft targets - such as the elderly, the sick, decent hard working people, the general public
It's A Mug's Game - Points awarded for skill in mugging and bonus points for getting phones, money, clothes and bonuses for excessive violence and threats with a knife - 'Didn't his face swell,' chirped Brucie
Wanton vandalism - Points awarded for smashing bus shelters, damaging cars, property - anything that doesn't belong to them
The teens performed well, but the mothers didn't seem to have a clue. They were in the soundbooth with a blindfold on, so they didn't see or hear anything or have any knowledge of what was going on.
Halfway through the show, the police arrived and did a stop and search. They found knives and drugs and left after giving the lads a severe finger-wagging.
The semi-final was the Blame Game:
Each couple had 1 minute to blame everyone else and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Both couples scored highly
"What's the scores in the morgues, Miss Ford?"
20-19
On to the conveyor belt. Brucie informed the couple that everything they remembered they could take home tonight.
Brucie then said: "On tonight's conveyor belt, we have a respect, decency, love, cuddly toy, an education, parenting skills, a job, fondue set, a condom, good manners.............
Ok you have 45 seconds to recount your thoughts starting now."
"Are you dissing me, wrinkly? I only think of myself," said the would be fallen soulja.
All in all it was an ambitious and brave experiment by the BBC, but the adults never really connected with the teens. The kids played the game how they wanted and the mothers were oblivious.
Bruce sang the intro:
Knife is the way that we maim and I wanna thrust my blade in you
Life was so terribly tame, but now I'm gonna cut you in two
And I really wanna hurt you
Bruce began the programme with his usual catchphrase - Knife to see you, to see you - Knife!
Bruce introduced the couples. It was (pa)rents and knife-wielding deadbeat offspring - So it was 4 mother and son couples
Various games were played:
Where's my daddy? - They had to write down possible postcodes as to where they could be
How much can you drink? - 2 minutes to drink as much as they could. Bonus points for leery,
snarling, obnoxious behaviour
Keep Off My Turf! - Had to demonstrate how to confront someone from another gang. Bonus points for violence, threatening behaviour and use of knife. 'Good maim, good maim,' said Brucie
Harass and Abuse - Points awarded for soft targets - such as the elderly, the sick, decent hard working people, the general public
It's A Mug's Game - Points awarded for skill in mugging and bonus points for getting phones, money, clothes and bonuses for excessive violence and threats with a knife - 'Didn't his face swell,' chirped Brucie
Wanton vandalism - Points awarded for smashing bus shelters, damaging cars, property - anything that doesn't belong to them
The teens performed well, but the mothers didn't seem to have a clue. They were in the soundbooth with a blindfold on, so they didn't see or hear anything or have any knowledge of what was going on.
Halfway through the show, the police arrived and did a stop and search. They found knives and drugs and left after giving the lads a severe finger-wagging.
The semi-final was the Blame Game:
Each couple had 1 minute to blame everyone else and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Both couples scored highly
"What's the scores in the morgues, Miss Ford?"
20-19
On to the conveyor belt. Brucie informed the couple that everything they remembered they could take home tonight.
Brucie then said: "On tonight's conveyor belt, we have a respect, decency, love, cuddly toy, an education, parenting skills, a job, fondue set, a condom, good manners.............
Ok you have 45 seconds to recount your thoughts starting now."
"Are you dissing me, wrinkly? I only think of myself," said the would be fallen soulja.
All in all it was an ambitious and brave experiment by the BBC, but the adults never really connected with the teens. The kids played the game how they wanted and the mothers were oblivious.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Asteroid Naming Story
An amateur astronomer has asked the International Astronomical Union (IAU) for proof of purchase and ownership of all the asteroids.
"A receipt will do," said Geoff Thompson
Geoff Thompson has been a keen amateur astronomer for 30 years and he regularly collects data which he sends to Harvard's Smithsonian Institute. He was delighted to have spotted an unknown asteroid, which he decided to call - Roy.
"It was probably the best day of my life when I found Roy. It's something you dream about as a boy," said the star-struck astronomer.
"I was gazing at the asteroid belt, which I've done every night for the last 25 years. All of sudden, I spotted a c-type asteroid and instantly knew it was one that's not been seen before. It's fascinating to think 'Roy' is a remnant of the protoplanetary disk. He would have a been a planet, but for large gravitational perturbations by Jupiter," said Geoff, interestingly.
He posted his find on the well known astronomy website - cosmicconundrums.com and immediately phoned Sir Patrick Moore and Brian May. As Sir Patrick said: "It's 4.30am. Go to bed."
"I didn't think any more about it and just carried on measuring the positions and brightness of near-Earth and potentially hazardous asteroids and trying to spot the Plough and the Big Bear. Out of the blue, I was contacted by the IAU, who said that the asteroid was indeed a previously unknown one, but it would be called 'asteroid 6137' and not 'Roy' until they granted a name for it. I questioned their authority about naming a floating rock in space. They said that too many people were naming things after confectionary and they wanted to avoid a planet being called - Turkish Delight or a constellation being named -The Walnut Whip. Even so, they don't really have the paperwork to support the argument that only they can name things 4 billion light-years way," said Geoff.
"I can't see 6137 at the moment as he's in the Southern Hemisphere, but I've asked a fellow astronomer to keep an eye on him," added Geoff
Geoff went on to admit that he had purchased an acre of landscape on the moon. "That was different though. They showed me the Lunar Constitution and Bill of Rights and I've got the deeds, a declaration of ownership and a map where it is. I'm not a mug you know!" said Geoff.
Update - IAU have decided not to name it as only 8 people in the world, outside of the main observatories, have the equipment to see it and it's just a big rock and there are 750,000 of them in the asteroid belt alone. As they pointed out - no one gives a toss - unless it's hurtling towards earth and then people suddenly become very interested.
"A receipt will do," said Geoff Thompson
Geoff Thompson has been a keen amateur astronomer for 30 years and he regularly collects data which he sends to Harvard's Smithsonian Institute. He was delighted to have spotted an unknown asteroid, which he decided to call - Roy.
"It was probably the best day of my life when I found Roy. It's something you dream about as a boy," said the star-struck astronomer.
"I was gazing at the asteroid belt, which I've done every night for the last 25 years. All of sudden, I spotted a c-type asteroid and instantly knew it was one that's not been seen before. It's fascinating to think 'Roy' is a remnant of the protoplanetary disk. He would have a been a planet, but for large gravitational perturbations by Jupiter," said Geoff, interestingly.
He posted his find on the well known astronomy website - cosmicconundrums.com and immediately phoned Sir Patrick Moore and Brian May. As Sir Patrick said: "It's 4.30am. Go to bed."
"I didn't think any more about it and just carried on measuring the positions and brightness of near-Earth and potentially hazardous asteroids and trying to spot the Plough and the Big Bear. Out of the blue, I was contacted by the IAU, who said that the asteroid was indeed a previously unknown one, but it would be called 'asteroid 6137' and not 'Roy' until they granted a name for it. I questioned their authority about naming a floating rock in space. They said that too many people were naming things after confectionary and they wanted to avoid a planet being called - Turkish Delight or a constellation being named -The Walnut Whip. Even so, they don't really have the paperwork to support the argument that only they can name things 4 billion light-years way," said Geoff.
"I can't see 6137 at the moment as he's in the Southern Hemisphere, but I've asked a fellow astronomer to keep an eye on him," added Geoff
Geoff went on to admit that he had purchased an acre of landscape on the moon. "That was different though. They showed me the Lunar Constitution and Bill of Rights and I've got the deeds, a declaration of ownership and a map where it is. I'm not a mug you know!" said Geoff.
Update - IAU have decided not to name it as only 8 people in the world, outside of the main observatories, have the equipment to see it and it's just a big rock and there are 750,000 of them in the asteroid belt alone. As they pointed out - no one gives a toss - unless it's hurtling towards earth and then people suddenly become very interested.
Holiday Complaint
Parisian Experience Holiday Was Weekend In Blackpool
A coachload of holidaymakers were left disappointed as their 'Parisian Experience' turned out to be a tour of Blackpool.
"It was not what I expected, " said Ethel Wainwright. "I was hoping to sample the romance and gaeity of Paris and not lots of drunk people on stag and hen nights. I didn't want 'kiss me quick.' I wanted 'kiss me slowly, passionately and all over.' I wanted a je t'aime voulez vous French kind of thing," said Ethel.
"We got on a flight at Liverpool and were only in the air for what seemed like minutes. Turns out we had landed in Manchester and got a coach from there. I thought everyone spoke really good English. I thought it was typical of the French. They always make an effort for their European friends." added Ethel
Tour Operator, Cheap n Cheerful, said the people got what they paid for.
"They wanted the experience and they got that. Blackpool Tower is the spit of the Eiffel and the view is better. The Champs-Élysées is no wider than the promenade. There are plenty of bars and alehouses along there. Some kicked off about the Arc De Triomphe, but that race is only once a year and it wasn't held over that weekend. They wanted good wine. Well they've had a good whine over this holiday, I can tell you. Latin Quarter? I go the whole hog. Blackpool has dames too and notre just one," said the former redcoat and managing director, Bill Crompton
Cheap n Cheerful were criticised last year for their Disneyland Experience, which appeared to be little more than a few rides in the Amusement Park. The Bondai Experience, which was 3 days on Blackpool Beach. The Icelandic Experience, which was Blackpool in February and the Machu Picchu Experience, which was a deserted wasteland on the outskirts of Blackpool and the much maligned Egyptian Experience.
"Disney is a few rides and a pair of ears on your head. People got that experience without the expense and looking like a complete twonk. The Bondai Experience was disappointing in as much as I was hoping for storms so people could at least surf. It was more like Bondai Beach on a very calm day. I offered to drive people to see the tide to save the half mile walk. I refute the Egyptian complaints. It was never about the Pyramids and Valley of the Kings. It was more about the inner-city Egypt that people don't see. It's just like a few estates in Blackpool. And another thing, it gets bloody cold here in the winter, which is all people go to Iceland for and they got to meet Kerry Katona. I've been to Machu Picchu and there's nothing there. There's nothing here in Blackpool either. Machu Picchu is just different levels of grass and half-built walls." said Bill.
Strangely, his 'Blackpool Experience' is a fortnight in the Caribbean. "I've had no complaints with that one so far. No one seems to be bothered that it's not Blackpool," said Bill.
A coachload of holidaymakers were left disappointed as their 'Parisian Experience' turned out to be a tour of Blackpool.
"It was not what I expected, " said Ethel Wainwright. "I was hoping to sample the romance and gaeity of Paris and not lots of drunk people on stag and hen nights. I didn't want 'kiss me quick.' I wanted 'kiss me slowly, passionately and all over.' I wanted a je t'aime voulez vous French kind of thing," said Ethel.
"We got on a flight at Liverpool and were only in the air for what seemed like minutes. Turns out we had landed in Manchester and got a coach from there. I thought everyone spoke really good English. I thought it was typical of the French. They always make an effort for their European friends." added Ethel
Tour Operator, Cheap n Cheerful, said the people got what they paid for.
"They wanted the experience and they got that. Blackpool Tower is the spit of the Eiffel and the view is better. The Champs-Élysées is no wider than the promenade. There are plenty of bars and alehouses along there. Some kicked off about the Arc De Triomphe, but that race is only once a year and it wasn't held over that weekend. They wanted good wine. Well they've had a good whine over this holiday, I can tell you. Latin Quarter? I go the whole hog. Blackpool has dames too and notre just one," said the former redcoat and managing director, Bill Crompton
Cheap n Cheerful were criticised last year for their Disneyland Experience, which appeared to be little more than a few rides in the Amusement Park. The Bondai Experience, which was 3 days on Blackpool Beach. The Icelandic Experience, which was Blackpool in February and the Machu Picchu Experience, which was a deserted wasteland on the outskirts of Blackpool and the much maligned Egyptian Experience.
"Disney is a few rides and a pair of ears on your head. People got that experience without the expense and looking like a complete twonk. The Bondai Experience was disappointing in as much as I was hoping for storms so people could at least surf. It was more like Bondai Beach on a very calm day. I offered to drive people to see the tide to save the half mile walk. I refute the Egyptian complaints. It was never about the Pyramids and Valley of the Kings. It was more about the inner-city Egypt that people don't see. It's just like a few estates in Blackpool. And another thing, it gets bloody cold here in the winter, which is all people go to Iceland for and they got to meet Kerry Katona. I've been to Machu Picchu and there's nothing there. There's nothing here in Blackpool either. Machu Picchu is just different levels of grass and half-built walls." said Bill.
Strangely, his 'Blackpool Experience' is a fortnight in the Caribbean. "I've had no complaints with that one so far. No one seems to be bothered that it's not Blackpool," said Bill.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Politics
Labour To Hold Britain Together With Duct Tape
Britain has been falling to bits steadily over the last decade, but now, due to an acceleration of its erosion and having no policies to effectively stem the tide of despair, the government has come up with a one point plan.
"We've been moving from one disaster to another and, quite frankly, we've had no real idea on what course of action to take. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, suggested at a cabinet meeting that we hold everything together using duct tape, at least up until the next general election, and then it'll be David Cameron and the Conservatives problem," said leader in waiting, Alan Johnson.
"Duct tape is nothing like us, which I think will appeal to the public. It's strong, versatile and useful and unlike us - it's on a roll," said one senior labour politician.
Chancellor Alistair Darling has trimmed 2% off the duct tape tax ahead of the policy introduction, but has added 3% tax on to Sellotape. That's been seen as a move targeting the poorest members of society yet again. Pritt stick tax remains unchanged. Harriet Harmon has backed the idea. "Anything that means I can remove my stab jacket when I go shopping has to be a good thing," said Ms Harman. Other cabinet ministers also showed their support. "I've nothing better" said one. "I'll employ a relative as a duct tape monitor" said another. "I am standing up," said Hazel Blears.
Britain has been falling to bits steadily over the last decade, but now, due to an acceleration of its erosion and having no policies to effectively stem the tide of despair, the government has come up with a one point plan.
"We've been moving from one disaster to another and, quite frankly, we've had no real idea on what course of action to take. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, suggested at a cabinet meeting that we hold everything together using duct tape, at least up until the next general election, and then it'll be David Cameron and the Conservatives problem," said leader in waiting, Alan Johnson.
"Duct tape is nothing like us, which I think will appeal to the public. It's strong, versatile and useful and unlike us - it's on a roll," said one senior labour politician.
Chancellor Alistair Darling has trimmed 2% off the duct tape tax ahead of the policy introduction, but has added 3% tax on to Sellotape. That's been seen as a move targeting the poorest members of society yet again. Pritt stick tax remains unchanged. Harriet Harmon has backed the idea. "Anything that means I can remove my stab jacket when I go shopping has to be a good thing," said Ms Harman. Other cabinet ministers also showed their support. "I've nothing better" said one. "I'll employ a relative as a duct tape monitor" said another. "I am standing up," said Hazel Blears.
Conservative leader David Cameron was caught a little off-balance by the announcement as this was set to be his main and possibly only policy if and when he ever produced a manifesto. "Ermmm...... do you mind if I wait and see what public reaction is to this? If they like it then I promise the Conservatives will use a thicker, stronger tape. My understanding is that the government will use 48mm tape, but we will use 49mm. However, if it's rejected, then I'll change the parting in my hair," said Davey.
David Cameron brought the house down during Prime Minister's questions when he accused Gordon Brown of being a 'lame duct Prime Minister.'
Nick Clegg wasn't asked for his stance.
Enviromentalists have welcomed the news as long as the tape is biodegradable, edible, can be used as fuel, for making clothes and all future buildings are made out of it.
Dolphin Protest
Dolphins Protest Against Exclusion From the Menu Outside Rick stein's Restaurant
There was pandemonium in Padstow today as Dolphins picketed Rick Stein's restaurant. Dolphins have been upset that they are not on the menu. The dolphins turned up carrying placards with female dolphins in T-shirts with 'This cow's not mad. She's livid' on them.
No Laughing Matter, say Dolphins
Chants of :
What do we want? To be eaten! When do we want it? Now!
We're Poisson! Not Poison!
were heard all over the bay while diners tucked into their freshly caught cuisine.
Marine Biologist Jacques Jones, who often speaks on behalf of dolphins, read out a prepared statement from the dolphins:
"Let's get one thing straight. We like Rick. We have a lot of respect for the gastronomic genius. He's cooked and eaten some our best friends, but he's not budging on this issue. He just won't put us on the menu. We are gutted or hope to be in the near future.
"He's hiding behind legislation. He also said he ran a fish restaurant and that we are mammals. That's just human labelling. Do we look like a mammal to you? Forget the blowhole thing. That's a red herring. We breathe through it. You talk out of your blowhole, but we don't say you're a dolphin. If we swim like a fish, look like a fish and taste like a fish then we are not mammals.
"Rick finds the whole thing amusing. Do we look like we are laughing?" read Jacques.
Rick said dolphins were protected, but his main reason for their exclusion from his restaurant was that they tasted like chicken. "People want the taste of fish when they eat at my places. I think they would be more suited on KFC's menu - Flipper Wings with a nice sauce," said Rick.
There was pandemonium in Padstow today as Dolphins picketed Rick Stein's restaurant. Dolphins have been upset that they are not on the menu. The dolphins turned up carrying placards with female dolphins in T-shirts with 'This cow's not mad. She's livid' on them.
No Laughing Matter, say Dolphins
Chants of :
What do we want? To be eaten! When do we want it? Now!
We're Poisson! Not Poison!
were heard all over the bay while diners tucked into their freshly caught cuisine.
Marine Biologist Jacques Jones, who often speaks on behalf of dolphins, read out a prepared statement from the dolphins:
"Let's get one thing straight. We like Rick. We have a lot of respect for the gastronomic genius. He's cooked and eaten some our best friends, but he's not budging on this issue. He just won't put us on the menu. We are gutted or hope to be in the near future.
"He's hiding behind legislation. He also said he ran a fish restaurant and that we are mammals. That's just human labelling. Do we look like a mammal to you? Forget the blowhole thing. That's a red herring. We breathe through it. You talk out of your blowhole, but we don't say you're a dolphin. If we swim like a fish, look like a fish and taste like a fish then we are not mammals.
"Rick finds the whole thing amusing. Do we look like we are laughing?" read Jacques.
Rick said dolphins were protected, but his main reason for their exclusion from his restaurant was that they tasted like chicken. "People want the taste of fish when they eat at my places. I think they would be more suited on KFC's menu - Flipper Wings with a nice sauce," said Rick.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Jack The Ripper Indentity
Jack The Ripper's Identity Finally Revealed
A birth certificate that has been found in a loft during the filming of 'Cash in the Attic'
"It's an incredible find. It says - Jack the Ripper born 1859, but there's more. We've found even more documents. His school report - 'Jack shows a keen interest in Biology, good attendance' and a document confirming his wedding to Jill the Ripper (nee Tart). It lists his job as Royal serial killer and hers as a prostitute." said the shows producer.
Police have investigated the new material. They always believed the name was a hoax and are pleasantly surprised to find that it was indeed his real name. "Initially, we looked up 'the Ripper' in the phone book and found a few with that name and we've now managed to trace relatives through a family tree website and the Rippers are currently living in Yorkshire, Australia and the Falklands."
Bob the Ripper confirmed he is a relative and had always known about his famous ancestor. "I often felt a connection but couldn't quite put my finger on it. One day I went back checking my family history and everything fitted. We decided as a family not to reveal what we had found." said Bob, 35, a local family butcher.
A census at the time has revealed that Jack and Jill the Ripper lived at a Whitechapel address and actually lived at the house of one of the murders. A note found at the scene - Back in five minutes, I'm just sharpening my knife upstairs - was believed, at the time, to have been left there by a previous tenant.
Ripper specialist Terry Bosnan and author of 25 Ripper books including 'I know Who The Ripper Is' and 'Ok, This Time I'm Definite Who The Ripper Is' and 'No No, This Is him, Trust Me' said it was a great day for finally finding the real Ripper, but was a bad day for himself and fellow authors. He's currently penning 'I Was Wrong But Was Right That It Was A Bloke.'
A birth certificate that has been found in a loft during the filming of 'Cash in the Attic'
"It's an incredible find. It says - Jack the Ripper born 1859, but there's more. We've found even more documents. His school report - 'Jack shows a keen interest in Biology, good attendance' and a document confirming his wedding to Jill the Ripper (nee Tart). It lists his job as Royal serial killer and hers as a prostitute." said the shows producer.
Police have investigated the new material. They always believed the name was a hoax and are pleasantly surprised to find that it was indeed his real name. "Initially, we looked up 'the Ripper' in the phone book and found a few with that name and we've now managed to trace relatives through a family tree website and the Rippers are currently living in Yorkshire, Australia and the Falklands."
Bob the Ripper confirmed he is a relative and had always known about his famous ancestor. "I often felt a connection but couldn't quite put my finger on it. One day I went back checking my family history and everything fitted. We decided as a family not to reveal what we had found." said Bob, 35, a local family butcher.
A census at the time has revealed that Jack and Jill the Ripper lived at a Whitechapel address and actually lived at the house of one of the murders. A note found at the scene - Back in five minutes, I'm just sharpening my knife upstairs - was believed, at the time, to have been left there by a previous tenant.
Ripper specialist Terry Bosnan and author of 25 Ripper books including 'I know Who The Ripper Is' and 'Ok, This Time I'm Definite Who The Ripper Is' and 'No No, This Is him, Trust Me' said it was a great day for finally finding the real Ripper, but was a bad day for himself and fellow authors. He's currently penning 'I Was Wrong But Was Right That It Was A Bloke.'
Friday, 4 July 2008
Politics
Man On Nodding Terms With Speaker Of The House To Receive Knighthood
Ted Baxter, 51, and a silk screen printer by profession, is to be a surprise recipient of a Knighthood. No one was more shocked than Ted himself.
"I got notification last week, but I wasn't allowed to tell anyone until it was officially made public. To be honest, I was quite shocked as I don't do anything for charity, except buy a poppy and pledge a fiver to Children In Need every year, and I didn't think silk screen printing was much to write home about either," said Ted.
"I only realised what it was for when the media got hold of the story. A couple of newspaper reporters contacted me. One fella said that when a name of no importance gets on the list, like me, then they feel it's their duty to expose which high ranking person has had a hand in it. I told them I didn't know who could have put my name forward. I was shown a series of pictures and recognised, who I now know to be, Michael Martin - the Speaker of the House. He'd always been the 'chubby, old guy who waves at taxi drivers' to me .
"I was asked what my connection to him was. I said I see him most mornings, usually between Park Road and the junction at Tithebarn Street. We nod 'good morning' to each other. Over the years we've developed a few nods, eye expressions and the occasional bit of body language to express our feelings. Just this morning he shuddered and looked up at the sky as he walked past me. It was either a bit chilly or he's got gout," added Ted.
The soon to be 'Sir' Ted said he was working on a nod and a wink to express his gratitude. "I always thought you had to pay for titles so I'm pleased that I'm getting mine for polite head movements. I've always felt people get them for trivial things, but I've changed my tune now."
Ted Baxter, 51, and a silk screen printer by profession, is to be a surprise recipient of a Knighthood. No one was more shocked than Ted himself.
"I got notification last week, but I wasn't allowed to tell anyone until it was officially made public. To be honest, I was quite shocked as I don't do anything for charity, except buy a poppy and pledge a fiver to Children In Need every year, and I didn't think silk screen printing was much to write home about either," said Ted.
"I only realised what it was for when the media got hold of the story. A couple of newspaper reporters contacted me. One fella said that when a name of no importance gets on the list, like me, then they feel it's their duty to expose which high ranking person has had a hand in it. I told them I didn't know who could have put my name forward. I was shown a series of pictures and recognised, who I now know to be, Michael Martin - the Speaker of the House. He'd always been the 'chubby, old guy who waves at taxi drivers' to me .
"I was asked what my connection to him was. I said I see him most mornings, usually between Park Road and the junction at Tithebarn Street. We nod 'good morning' to each other. Over the years we've developed a few nods, eye expressions and the occasional bit of body language to express our feelings. Just this morning he shuddered and looked up at the sky as he walked past me. It was either a bit chilly or he's got gout," added Ted.
The soon to be 'Sir' Ted said he was working on a nod and a wink to express his gratitude. "I always thought you had to pay for titles so I'm pleased that I'm getting mine for polite head movements. I've always felt people get them for trivial things, but I've changed my tune now."
Electric Plug Story
Your Old Plug Changes Lives
justincase.com, the recycling charity, is changing many more lives in the Third World as new products find their way into his recycling plant. George Thomas, 55, began his recycling charity 'justincase.com.' after removing a plug from a broken kettle.
"I decided to keep the plug 'just in case' I may have needed it. I opened a drawer and found five other plugs with various bits of cable sticking out of them. I had kept them just in case I may have needed them. I got to thinking about the chances of purchasing six electrical items that would need plugs. Under the current legislation, I began to doubt if I would even need one. I thought that these items could be recycled and the money could be used for the greater good. I kept three plugs just in case though. I'm willing to trade one for a European plug just in case I emigrate.
"Anyway, this got me thinking about other items I may have. Sure enough, I found a three-quarter length of wallpaper that was rolled up and a bit creased. I had kept that just in case I needed to replace a little bit of paper. I doubt I'll find that woodchip pattern anywhere else now. In fact, I think I’ve re-papered that wall since, but you just never know if you'll need it. Up in the attic, I found a square metre of carpet. I kept that just in case the carpet got a bad stain or a hole in it. No one would notice a patched up piece slotted in. It made perfect sense.
"In the utility, I found four tins of paint, some several years old, that I kept just in case I needed to touch up the paintwork. There was also a 3 foot piece of guttering and a box full of bathroom tiles. I also found a set of made-to-measure curtains, which I brought from my previous house, just in case they fitted the windows on my present home. They don't. I may have the windows altered, but I'll keep them anyway just in case I move. I remember I kept a broken toaster just in case I ever met Uri Geller.
"There are plenty of items that people could send to me. I understand the nagging doubts. I've got a Betamax video recorder, a Rubik cube with stickers missing and a washer off a Philips Washing Machine, which I’ve sold, that I just can't get rid of. The day I get rid of that washer will be the day Philips announce that all old washers will universally fit any other product in their range. I'd be devastated.
“Next time you decide to keep something ‘just in case’ please ask yourself if you really do need to keep it. The answer will be ‘yes’ so I recommend keeping items in drawers marked with what year you put them in. Anything over five years old is unlikely to be ever needed. Although, you just never know,” said George.
justincase.com, the recycling charity, is changing many more lives in the Third World as new products find their way into his recycling plant. George Thomas, 55, began his recycling charity 'justincase.com.' after removing a plug from a broken kettle.
"I decided to keep the plug 'just in case' I may have needed it. I opened a drawer and found five other plugs with various bits of cable sticking out of them. I had kept them just in case I may have needed them. I got to thinking about the chances of purchasing six electrical items that would need plugs. Under the current legislation, I began to doubt if I would even need one. I thought that these items could be recycled and the money could be used for the greater good. I kept three plugs just in case though. I'm willing to trade one for a European plug just in case I emigrate.
"Anyway, this got me thinking about other items I may have. Sure enough, I found a three-quarter length of wallpaper that was rolled up and a bit creased. I had kept that just in case I needed to replace a little bit of paper. I doubt I'll find that woodchip pattern anywhere else now. In fact, I think I’ve re-papered that wall since, but you just never know if you'll need it. Up in the attic, I found a square metre of carpet. I kept that just in case the carpet got a bad stain or a hole in it. No one would notice a patched up piece slotted in. It made perfect sense.
"In the utility, I found four tins of paint, some several years old, that I kept just in case I needed to touch up the paintwork. There was also a 3 foot piece of guttering and a box full of bathroom tiles. I also found a set of made-to-measure curtains, which I brought from my previous house, just in case they fitted the windows on my present home. They don't. I may have the windows altered, but I'll keep them anyway just in case I move. I remember I kept a broken toaster just in case I ever met Uri Geller.
"There are plenty of items that people could send to me. I understand the nagging doubts. I've got a Betamax video recorder, a Rubik cube with stickers missing and a washer off a Philips Washing Machine, which I’ve sold, that I just can't get rid of. The day I get rid of that washer will be the day Philips announce that all old washers will universally fit any other product in their range. I'd be devastated.
“Next time you decide to keep something ‘just in case’ please ask yourself if you really do need to keep it. The answer will be ‘yes’ so I recommend keeping items in drawers marked with what year you put them in. Anything over five years old is unlikely to be ever needed. Although, you just never know,” said George.
Politics
Court order Will Force Nick Robinson From outside No.10 Downing Street
The BBCs chief political commentator - Nick Robinson, of no fixed abode, is to be removed from outside No.10 Downing Street. A spokesman confirmed that a court order had been taken out against Mr Robinson.
Gordon Brown has complained that he's there every time anyone goes in and out of the door, at any time of the day or night.
Time Lapse Video Footage Shows Nick Barely Moving From The Same Spot
Nick claims he has nothing better to do.
"When a car pulls up or a minister strolls by and that door opens - I can't explain the rush I get. Train spotters get a buzz from seeing the Flying Scotsman. Lose the 'F' and it's the same feeling I get when I see Gordon Brown," said Nick. Nick records every person he sees and writes about it in his daily blog - ScoutingForMinisters.blog.com
The cameramen work shifts, but he remains there 24/7. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I never am," said Nick, outside No.10, obviously.
Downing Street successfully removed Andrew Marr a couple of years back and he decided to join the travelling community. John Sergeant went 'missing' prior to that.
A BBC spokesperson said that Mark Mardell is ready to step in at any time. "We have a never-ending supply of reporters who have no real interests outside of reporting. Remove one and we'll just replace them with another."
The Northern Ireland Assembly is keeping a close eye on developments as they are trying to find ways of removing Denis Murray from outside Stormont, which many people think is Murray's house.
The problem is not just a domestic one. Many countries have injunctions out on Orla Guerin. As a spokesman pointed out: 'If Orla Guerin is standing on your border then you know your country is in serious trouble. We don't need that kind of notoriety.'
The BBCs chief political commentator - Nick Robinson, of no fixed abode, is to be removed from outside No.10 Downing Street. A spokesman confirmed that a court order had been taken out against Mr Robinson.
Gordon Brown has complained that he's there every time anyone goes in and out of the door, at any time of the day or night.
Time Lapse Video Footage Shows Nick Barely Moving From The Same Spot
Nick claims he has nothing better to do.
"When a car pulls up or a minister strolls by and that door opens - I can't explain the rush I get. Train spotters get a buzz from seeing the Flying Scotsman. Lose the 'F' and it's the same feeling I get when I see Gordon Brown," said Nick. Nick records every person he sees and writes about it in his daily blog - ScoutingForMinisters.blog.com
The cameramen work shifts, but he remains there 24/7. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I never am," said Nick, outside No.10, obviously.
Downing Street successfully removed Andrew Marr a couple of years back and he decided to join the travelling community. John Sergeant went 'missing' prior to that.
A BBC spokesperson said that Mark Mardell is ready to step in at any time. "We have a never-ending supply of reporters who have no real interests outside of reporting. Remove one and we'll just replace them with another."
The Northern Ireland Assembly is keeping a close eye on developments as they are trying to find ways of removing Denis Murray from outside Stormont, which many people think is Murray's house.
The problem is not just a domestic one. Many countries have injunctions out on Orla Guerin. As a spokesman pointed out: 'If Orla Guerin is standing on your border then you know your country is in serious trouble. We don't need that kind of notoriety.'
Human Bollard Story
New Human Bollards Pilot Scheme To Be Extended Nationally, says Transport Minister
"It's not often you hear a minister talking bollards," said Rosie Winterton, Minister of State for Transport.
The scheme was originally piloted to run for three months in a selected busy market town, but will now be extended locally and be adopted nationally.
Local Councillor Bob Simmons, the driving force behind the scheme, is understandably delighted with the way it has gone.
"Success is an over-used word, but this has been resounding, " said councillor Simmons. "We needed to get away from the unfriendly pop-up bollard. We found that they worked well for local people, but visitors sometimes didn't understand why a bus or specially licensed vehicle could drive over them, but when they tried it, it would pop-up and remove the engine. That can be a little annoying, quite costly and doesn't encourage them to come back," explained Bob.
"This town has always been a welcoming place so I felt we needed to make the bollards a bit more user friendly. We had about 25 enquiries for the post. We needed someone with clear loud diction and good arm dexterity," added Mr Simmons.
First Human Bollard - Eddie Ochenbayer
The successful candidate was Eddie Ochenbayer, 25, and a local student. "I was in-between courses and was in a bit of a hole, so this opportunity came at the right time for me," said Eddie. "I saw the ad and thought that I could do the job. Although I lack experience, shouting and waving does come naturally to me. Also, being a student, I am used to being fairly stationary," said Eddie.
"Basically, if a bus, trades vehicle or any vehicle with a specially licensed sticker on the window comes along, I just duck. If a private vehicle comes along then I shout 'stop' and wave. Usually, that's sufficient, but if they look like they are still going to try and continue then I shout and wave quite frantically. 9 times out of 10, they do stop, especially when they see the whites of your eyes. Of a night, I wear a traffic cone on my head. I do have plenty experience of that," explained Eddie
"The 'will they, won't they stop' makes the job a lot more interesting than it appears. The only real problem is when they try to sneak in behind a bus. I have to reach up and grab the axle," smiled Eddie. "Also I'm on hand to take insurance details should they plough into me. The damage to their vehicle should be minimal though," added Eddie.
"I do get asked a lot about toilet breaks which seems to amuse passers-by. I'm linked to the underground sewerage system, so no real problem there," said Eddie.
The Transport Minister added that recruitment for the schemes would be in partnership with local colleges and universities. "Students often get a bad rap, so this will give them the opportunity to engage with the wider community. We've conducted a study during the pilot scheme and virtually every motorist has said they would rather hit a student than a bollard, " said Minister Rosie Winterton.
"It's not often you hear a minister talking bollards," said Rosie Winterton, Minister of State for Transport.
The scheme was originally piloted to run for three months in a selected busy market town, but will now be extended locally and be adopted nationally.
Local Councillor Bob Simmons, the driving force behind the scheme, is understandably delighted with the way it has gone.
"Success is an over-used word, but this has been resounding, " said councillor Simmons. "We needed to get away from the unfriendly pop-up bollard. We found that they worked well for local people, but visitors sometimes didn't understand why a bus or specially licensed vehicle could drive over them, but when they tried it, it would pop-up and remove the engine. That can be a little annoying, quite costly and doesn't encourage them to come back," explained Bob.
"This town has always been a welcoming place so I felt we needed to make the bollards a bit more user friendly. We had about 25 enquiries for the post. We needed someone with clear loud diction and good arm dexterity," added Mr Simmons.
First Human Bollard - Eddie Ochenbayer
The successful candidate was Eddie Ochenbayer, 25, and a local student. "I was in-between courses and was in a bit of a hole, so this opportunity came at the right time for me," said Eddie. "I saw the ad and thought that I could do the job. Although I lack experience, shouting and waving does come naturally to me. Also, being a student, I am used to being fairly stationary," said Eddie.
"Basically, if a bus, trades vehicle or any vehicle with a specially licensed sticker on the window comes along, I just duck. If a private vehicle comes along then I shout 'stop' and wave. Usually, that's sufficient, but if they look like they are still going to try and continue then I shout and wave quite frantically. 9 times out of 10, they do stop, especially when they see the whites of your eyes. Of a night, I wear a traffic cone on my head. I do have plenty experience of that," explained Eddie
"The 'will they, won't they stop' makes the job a lot more interesting than it appears. The only real problem is when they try to sneak in behind a bus. I have to reach up and grab the axle," smiled Eddie. "Also I'm on hand to take insurance details should they plough into me. The damage to their vehicle should be minimal though," added Eddie.
"I do get asked a lot about toilet breaks which seems to amuse passers-by. I'm linked to the underground sewerage system, so no real problem there," said Eddie.
The Transport Minister added that recruitment for the schemes would be in partnership with local colleges and universities. "Students often get a bad rap, so this will give them the opportunity to engage with the wider community. We've conducted a study during the pilot scheme and virtually every motorist has said they would rather hit a student than a bollard, " said Minister Rosie Winterton.
Music - Coldplay Statement
Chris Martin 'simply forgot' he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow, says agent
Chris Martin, currently on tour promoting a long titled album, later confirmed he had 'simply forgot' he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. He recalled dating her a few years back, but he said he has had little contact with the weeping actress in recent years. "We drifted apart and went our seperate ways," said the lightbulb-swirling star. "
I was reminded by our drummer that I was in fact married to her after watching a news clip from the Cannes film festival and I saw a skinny blonde on stilts. I remember thinking 'pwhoar' and how I'd like to get to know her better. 'It's your wife' I was reliably informed. We had a 'slight row' and I left the room immediately, but came back after an hour and agreed that I probably had married her at some stage," added Chris. I had to write a song about it:
Rocket Scientist
I'll come up and meet you, tell you I'm sorry, I thought we had split up years ago
I had forgotten you, thought we'd agreed to, spending the rest of our lives apart
Did we marry in secret? Press ask lots of questions. Oh let's go back and make a fresh start
Decreasing circles, my memory fails
It's not really rocket science at all
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame I can't remember
Nobody said it was easy
I'm thinking it was sometime in December?
Ohh take my back in your arms
(It's building up nicely - add drums - switch on lighters and sway - altogether now)
I was just guessin', at dates, but it figures, putting the puzzles together
Questions of marriage, marriage aint progress, we need to speak now or never ever again
You say that you love me, the press like to taunt me, oh you just sent a rush to my heart
Neverending circles, it's heads or tails, you know we can't stay as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame I can't recall
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it that I wouldn't be able to ever grapple
We have kids called Moses and Apple
Chris Martin, currently on tour promoting a long titled album, later confirmed he had 'simply forgot' he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. He recalled dating her a few years back, but he said he has had little contact with the weeping actress in recent years. "We drifted apart and went our seperate ways," said the lightbulb-swirling star. "
I was reminded by our drummer that I was in fact married to her after watching a news clip from the Cannes film festival and I saw a skinny blonde on stilts. I remember thinking 'pwhoar' and how I'd like to get to know her better. 'It's your wife' I was reliably informed. We had a 'slight row' and I left the room immediately, but came back after an hour and agreed that I probably had married her at some stage," added Chris. I had to write a song about it:
Rocket Scientist
I'll come up and meet you, tell you I'm sorry, I thought we had split up years ago
I had forgotten you, thought we'd agreed to, spending the rest of our lives apart
Did we marry in secret? Press ask lots of questions. Oh let's go back and make a fresh start
Decreasing circles, my memory fails
It's not really rocket science at all
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame I can't remember
Nobody said it was easy
I'm thinking it was sometime in December?
Ohh take my back in your arms
(It's building up nicely - add drums - switch on lighters and sway - altogether now)
I was just guessin', at dates, but it figures, putting the puzzles together
Questions of marriage, marriage aint progress, we need to speak now or never ever again
You say that you love me, the press like to taunt me, oh you just sent a rush to my heart
Neverending circles, it's heads or tails, you know we can't stay as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame I can't recall
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it that I wouldn't be able to ever grapple
We have kids called Moses and Apple
Sporting Thug
Joey Barton Admits To Being Pleasant On april 23rd 2008, a court hears
The court heard that Barton was repeatedly nice for the whole day. He was arrested the following morning in a 6.00am raid and was charged with 'knowingly acting out of character with a view to shocking just about everybody.'
"Frightening," said PC Postlewhaite. "The guy was smiling from ear to ear. I called for an armed response team as back-up," he told a hushed court.
Barton admitted his guilt ahead of the trial. Judge Smythe asked his counsel to have a word with his client, but his legal team said Barton 'would not take any legal advice and was happy to continue on his desired course and to plead guilty.'
Prosecutor Richard Vardon described the episode as an 'explosive combination of football and pleasantness.' It was he said a 'level of nicety not seen or heard of before or since.'
Teammate Ousmane Dabo said Barton turned up at the training ground and said 'Good morning. How are you today, my fine fellow?'
"I immediately defended myself as I felt he was deliberately intimidating me. He had invaded my space. He was out of order," said Dabo.
Georgios Samaras, a fellow teammate, said it was the worst incident he'd ever witnessed. "He was over-friendly. He seemed happy and contented. It's not something you want to see. I don't even like talking about it," said Georgios.
The court heard that Barton had been building up to this level of niceness over a period of a few years. Prosecutor Vardon outlined a timetable of shocking events that culminated into this shocking incident:
2004 February: Smiled at a fan
April: Buys the manager a pint
July: Waves at opposing fans
December: Signs an autograph and wishes people a 'Happy Christmas' (fined 6 weeks wages)
2005 May: Helps an old lady across the road
July: Does a fun run for charity without manager's permission (fined eight weeks wages)
2006 September: Makes a citizens arrest of a bad hoodie (police take no action)
2007 November: Donates a kidney (FA probe but no action taken)
December: Adopts a donkey
Barton wished to express his 'remorse' and 'shame' and made the court a promise that he would revert to type once he had served his sentence.
He will be sentenced next week. Judge Smythe told Barton to expect a lengthy prison term for a such a serious offence.
The court heard that Barton was repeatedly nice for the whole day. He was arrested the following morning in a 6.00am raid and was charged with 'knowingly acting out of character with a view to shocking just about everybody.'
"Frightening," said PC Postlewhaite. "The guy was smiling from ear to ear. I called for an armed response team as back-up," he told a hushed court.
Barton admitted his guilt ahead of the trial. Judge Smythe asked his counsel to have a word with his client, but his legal team said Barton 'would not take any legal advice and was happy to continue on his desired course and to plead guilty.'
Prosecutor Richard Vardon described the episode as an 'explosive combination of football and pleasantness.' It was he said a 'level of nicety not seen or heard of before or since.'
Teammate Ousmane Dabo said Barton turned up at the training ground and said 'Good morning. How are you today, my fine fellow?'
"I immediately defended myself as I felt he was deliberately intimidating me. He had invaded my space. He was out of order," said Dabo.
Georgios Samaras, a fellow teammate, said it was the worst incident he'd ever witnessed. "He was over-friendly. He seemed happy and contented. It's not something you want to see. I don't even like talking about it," said Georgios.
The court heard that Barton had been building up to this level of niceness over a period of a few years. Prosecutor Vardon outlined a timetable of shocking events that culminated into this shocking incident:
2004 February: Smiled at a fan
April: Buys the manager a pint
July: Waves at opposing fans
December: Signs an autograph and wishes people a 'Happy Christmas' (fined 6 weeks wages)
2005 May: Helps an old lady across the road
July: Does a fun run for charity without manager's permission (fined eight weeks wages)
2006 September: Makes a citizens arrest of a bad hoodie (police take no action)
2007 November: Donates a kidney (FA probe but no action taken)
December: Adopts a donkey
Barton wished to express his 'remorse' and 'shame' and made the court a promise that he would revert to type once he had served his sentence.
He will be sentenced next week. Judge Smythe told Barton to expect a lengthy prison term for a such a serious offence.
Plaguerism
Raj Persuad Copied My face, claims indian Businessman
Raj Persaud
Des Rupinda
"He never asked for permission to use my face and has been passing it off as his own original face for many years without giving me any credit whatsoever," said Des. "I've lost count of the number of times people have asked me for advice on mental health issues. It's not easy selling Nano cars when the buyer wants a consultation before purchasing. The only upside was when I had a client who had OCD and I managed to sell him 10 cars.
In the end, I tell them to read one of Raj's books or better still, see if they can find the original author's copy," added Des.
Raj refused to comment until he found a suitable comment from someone else that he could use.
Raj Persaud
Des Rupinda
"He never asked for permission to use my face and has been passing it off as his own original face for many years without giving me any credit whatsoever," said Des. "I've lost count of the number of times people have asked me for advice on mental health issues. It's not easy selling Nano cars when the buyer wants a consultation before purchasing. The only upside was when I had a client who had OCD and I managed to sell him 10 cars.
In the end, I tell them to read one of Raj's books or better still, see if they can find the original author's copy," added Des.
Raj refused to comment until he found a suitable comment from someone else that he could use.
Politics
2012 Games Costs getting Lower Everyday, says Government
The original cost of the games was estimated at around about £2.4bn, but many thought this was an unrealistic figure and so it has proved.
Sir Roy McNulty, the head of the Olympic Delivery Authority, confirmed that the costs would be "significantly lower or even less." He said: "We are still in the early stages of what the lower cost may be, but it will be in the order of a billion and clearly that is something that must be refunded to the government. The costs have just spiralled under control."
Mr McNulty added that the original budget had been put together without a full analysis of the site or fully-costed designs for new venues and he now knows that's 'an awful lot cheaper than we first imagined.' He added: "Security costs have decreased since two years ago due to fantastic government legislation and regeneration costs are incredibly lower than was allowed for before."
Tessa Jowell pointed that 'many major contractors gave us misleading figures and have now said the cost won't be anything like what they had stated. The overall costs have rocketed to a new low of £1.9bn, but should continue to fall steadily over the coming months and may end up at as low as £1.2bn. That's great news for the taxpayer and the lottery money can be used for things that benefit people. The actual stadium works out at £15 cheaper than the estimate. It's better in our pockets than theirs.'
The Department for Culture, Media and Sport later said the £2.4bn estimate from two years ago did not include costs for such items as regeneration and infrastructure and those 'were not in the vicinity of even being close' so just ignore them.
A spokesman for the contractors added that estimates were based on pure guesswork and they just said a high figure without really thinking it would be accepted. Once the contracts were agreed it turned out that those estimates were 'unbelievably naive' and the true figure is lower than even the lowest estimate divided by two. "I reckon we'll finish two years early and we'll even tidy up too," said a suited guy in a flourescent jacket and gleaming white hard hat.
"Yikes, blimey, oh boy," added Major Boris Johnson.
So what does this all mean for the taxpayer? "It's a rebate for London taxpayers, a refund to general taxation, the London Development Agency can have a few jollies and the lottery money can go to obscure groups", said Tessa Jowell.
The original cost of the games was estimated at around about £2.4bn, but many thought this was an unrealistic figure and so it has proved.
Sir Roy McNulty, the head of the Olympic Delivery Authority, confirmed that the costs would be "significantly lower or even less." He said: "We are still in the early stages of what the lower cost may be, but it will be in the order of a billion and clearly that is something that must be refunded to the government. The costs have just spiralled under control."
Mr McNulty added that the original budget had been put together without a full analysis of the site or fully-costed designs for new venues and he now knows that's 'an awful lot cheaper than we first imagined.' He added: "Security costs have decreased since two years ago due to fantastic government legislation and regeneration costs are incredibly lower than was allowed for before."
Tessa Jowell pointed that 'many major contractors gave us misleading figures and have now said the cost won't be anything like what they had stated. The overall costs have rocketed to a new low of £1.9bn, but should continue to fall steadily over the coming months and may end up at as low as £1.2bn. That's great news for the taxpayer and the lottery money can be used for things that benefit people. The actual stadium works out at £15 cheaper than the estimate. It's better in our pockets than theirs.'
The Department for Culture, Media and Sport later said the £2.4bn estimate from two years ago did not include costs for such items as regeneration and infrastructure and those 'were not in the vicinity of even being close' so just ignore them.
A spokesman for the contractors added that estimates were based on pure guesswork and they just said a high figure without really thinking it would be accepted. Once the contracts were agreed it turned out that those estimates were 'unbelievably naive' and the true figure is lower than even the lowest estimate divided by two. "I reckon we'll finish two years early and we'll even tidy up too," said a suited guy in a flourescent jacket and gleaming white hard hat.
"Yikes, blimey, oh boy," added Major Boris Johnson.
So what does this all mean for the taxpayer? "It's a rebate for London taxpayers, a refund to general taxation, the London Development Agency can have a few jollies and the lottery money can go to obscure groups", said Tessa Jowell.
Politics
Tory Chairman Caroline Spelman Reveals long List Of Secretaries between 1997 and 1998
Shortly after being found out, Tory chairman Caroline Spelman has decided to come clean and has revealed she had no less than 15 secretaries during 1997 and 1998. Records reveal that Bob the painter was her secretary for 3 weeks in June 1997 and Ted the plasterer was her secretary for 5 days in January 1998. Jim the gardener was her secretary once a fortnight, usually on a thursday during this period. The clearly hardworking MP was shown to have had 4 secretaries at once in May 1997.
We contacted Trev the plumber, 45, who confirmed that he was her secretary for an afternoon in March 1998. "Yeah, I arrived at her house to unblock a toilet and was shown to a desk, some filing cabinets and the staff canteen," said Trev. "I told her I was there to unblock the toilet and she said that would be fine in between opening the mail and taking calls," added a bemused Trev. "She introduced me to a secretary who was a dab hand at artexing the ceiling," said a clearly impressed Trev. "I felt a bit sorry for her. She could have done with a nanny, but she said she couldn't really afford one," said Trev. "I still overcharged her by a considerable amount and was surprised that she paid without hesitation."
Ms Spelman gave this statement: "Being a working mother and also an MP is quite demanding and involves many hidden expenses. Almost all MPs have hidden expenses. We just don't like talking about it and some of us go to great lengths to avoid doing so as our prime concern is to make sure our constituents' needs are rapidly attended to. It just seemed a reasonable practical solution. After a conversation with the chief whip, who said it 'looked well dodgy,' I decided, even though I had done nothing wrong, that I would limit myself to 3 secretaries, which I acquired from local agencies - Tradesmen Inc and Nannies4U. I've also taken the unusual step and advised colleagues not to give their telephone number to William Hague as he won't stop calling."
Tina Haynes, who was Caroline Spelman's longest serving secretary, would like it to be pointed out that she no longer does secretarial work and is currently 'following her dream' and working as nanny.
Shortly after being found out, Tory chairman Caroline Spelman has decided to come clean and has revealed she had no less than 15 secretaries during 1997 and 1998. Records reveal that Bob the painter was her secretary for 3 weeks in June 1997 and Ted the plasterer was her secretary for 5 days in January 1998. Jim the gardener was her secretary once a fortnight, usually on a thursday during this period. The clearly hardworking MP was shown to have had 4 secretaries at once in May 1997.
We contacted Trev the plumber, 45, who confirmed that he was her secretary for an afternoon in March 1998. "Yeah, I arrived at her house to unblock a toilet and was shown to a desk, some filing cabinets and the staff canteen," said Trev. "I told her I was there to unblock the toilet and she said that would be fine in between opening the mail and taking calls," added a bemused Trev. "She introduced me to a secretary who was a dab hand at artexing the ceiling," said a clearly impressed Trev. "I felt a bit sorry for her. She could have done with a nanny, but she said she couldn't really afford one," said Trev. "I still overcharged her by a considerable amount and was surprised that she paid without hesitation."
Ms Spelman gave this statement: "Being a working mother and also an MP is quite demanding and involves many hidden expenses. Almost all MPs have hidden expenses. We just don't like talking about it and some of us go to great lengths to avoid doing so as our prime concern is to make sure our constituents' needs are rapidly attended to. It just seemed a reasonable practical solution. After a conversation with the chief whip, who said it 'looked well dodgy,' I decided, even though I had done nothing wrong, that I would limit myself to 3 secretaries, which I acquired from local agencies - Tradesmen Inc and Nannies4U. I've also taken the unusual step and advised colleagues not to give their telephone number to William Hague as he won't stop calling."
Tina Haynes, who was Caroline Spelman's longest serving secretary, would like it to be pointed out that she no longer does secretarial work and is currently 'following her dream' and working as nanny.
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