Newcastle Manager

Vegetable Linked With Newcastle Manager's Job

Daily Sport understands that Newcastle has been in contact with a Vegetable about the manager's job but no formal offer has been made as yet. The board met to discuss offering a long term contract of possibly 2-3 months but that would be breaking new ground. They may need to dangle a rather large carrot to tempt him. Sven Goran Eriksson was mentioned but the Swede has been ruled out.

A club spokesman has said that whoever takes the job is an idiot but will get a huge compensation package if they are dismissed rather than resigns. The new manager will not be in charge of coaching, team selection, tactics, transfers, programme selling, maintaining the pitch, making tea or anything to do with the team or club or surrounding area. There are several hundred other people at the club who will deal with all that.

The role, while not having a specific part to play or be of any value whatsoever, will purely take attention of those responsible for underacheivement and highlight fans frustrations. Their last manager was sacked for being too defensive and lacking emotion.

The Vegetable currently divides his time between topping up his tan and singing. His last hit - Fog On the Thyme - was 10 years ago. He left management a few years ago dubbed the 'Colly With The Brolly' but that's all behind him now.

How He May Look In His New Job

Incorrectly dubbed 'Thickle' by rival fans, the Newcastle fans, The Looney Toon Army, the most realistc and balanced fans in Europe, have welcomed the move.
"I'd love it, I'd really love it. I believe he comes from an allotment from within a mile of the ground. He's one of us. He thinks like us. It'll be like having the whole fanbase managing the team. A manager in our image. I see Premier League Winners 2009, Champion's League Winners 2010, World Cup Winners 2014 and beyond," said one firmly-footed Newcastle fan

Newcastle fans have organised a march through the streets but as of yet they are undecided if it should be a 'happy' or 'angry' march. They may start with one and end with the other.

Fake Polo Mints

One In Three Polo Mints Are Fake, says report

The number of fake Polos in circulation now stands at more than 30 million, according to the Royal Mint. It's illegal to make or use counterfeited Polos and the Royal Mint says people must hand them in if they think they have one





Which One Is Fake? (It's Top Right)

How do you tell? They are not easy to spot. Don't just go on the colour as Polos can look a bit minty after a while. Check the lettering. It's not easy to accurately stamp Polo on a fake. Check for a hole.

Ted Thompson, 56, said that it was a worrying development. "I found two fakes down the back of my couch last week."
A lot of people are carrying them without knowing. That Polo in your pocket could be worthless. Both real and fake will leave a hole in your pocket.

Meanwhile counterfeit thieves are coining it in. It's big business.

If you spot one on the floor, it's advised not to eat it. "See a Polo pick it up, don't eat it or you'll throw up" is certainly not just superstitious nonsense.

Fakes are getting worse, but as you can see from the picture - it's not easy to tell the difference. Ultimately a real Polo will taste mintier and be refreshing. The fake is nearly worthless and leaves a bitter taste.

Gordon Brown's Support

In return, Gordon Brown offers JK Rowling some much needed support

David Blaine

David Blaine's Winch Breaks On Four-Storey High Metal Frame










No one to Blaine but himself

No one was sure why he was applauding but it appears that a man fixing the sewers was entertaining him while he was waiting to be pulled out of the ground.

Credit Crunchy Nut

Today Kellogg's launched Credit Crunchy Nut, their new cut price meal-in-a-bowl, for hard-up financial workers affected by the recent worldwide recession.

Ludicrously Cheap

Many workers can no longer afford to go out to pretentious restaurants, pay over the top prices and flaunt their cash buying expensive wine. It's no laughing matter. Not even a snigger.

The once loud and brash crowd need support in these difficult times.Kellogg's have teamed up with Blue Nun - the quality wine firm - who will make a cheaper version - Skint Nun - an incredibly cheeky aperitif to accompany the ludicrously cheap meal.

There will be three box sizes of the Credit Crunchy Nut to cater for the singleton, couples (or with the mistress) and the dinner party crowd. Skint Nun will come in a bottle or a crate with little difference in the price. One crate is the

equivlant of one normal bottle of wine quality. Smells like wee in a stairwell and it brings out the shine in brass.

Head of Marketing, Johnny Wisemueller, said Kellogg's has it roots in providing food for certain minorities in society. Flakes were originally brought out for the mentally ill, Coco Pops for kids, Fruit n' Fibre for rabbits, Frosties for Eskimos (Inuit), Special K for the obese, All-Bran for the constipated, Muesli for horses, Nutri-Grain for size 0s and Pop Tarts for flame swallowers.

"The guys in product development asked if they felt this financial crisis is likely to be a brief episode but I said it will be more like a long running cereal. Not one of them laughed. Can you believe that? Oh you can! Anyway, they're tasty tasty very very tasty, they're very tasty..... or is that Bran Flakes? I don't know? They all come out of one huge silo and taste exactly the same," said Johnny.

Referee Test

Comprehensive New Test For Football Officials May Put Some Off Applying

The test has hastily been brought in after two officials in one game didn't know this particular rule. They had read about it, but without pictures, they didn't really understand it.
A Football Association Official said: "We looked at the rule which states - 'A goal is scored when the ball completely crosses the goal line between the goal-posts' - and feel it does lack clarity and could, in effect, mean anything.
The game was Watford v Reading, which seems a no contest, as everyone knows you can't beat a good book.

New F1 Ferrari

Ferrari Formula 1 Team Unveil New Car

Ferrari team boss Stefano Domenicali revealed that as the team whined like a bunch of tarts every time they lost a race, they thought they would design a car that would reflect their racing personality.



















Rivals Claim Ferrari Victory Is A Shoe In

Money was no object for the well heeled team. Although the car looked stylish it certainly lacked aerodynamics, but this isn't really important in racing any more, as Stefano Domenicali stated:
"F1 is not about where you start on the grid. It's not even about where you finish in the race. At the end of the day it's all about how the stewards can give points to Ferrari because that's just the way it is. No one wants the integrity of the sport to suffer and while we run the show - it's in safe hands."

Birds & Squirrels

Ryder Cup

Satellite Guided Balls And Magnetic Cups May Tarnish US Ryder Cup Victory

Fresh after an emphatic victory in the 2008 Ryder Cup, Team US and Team Europe were embroiled in a row over allegations that the US team had help from above. Rumours had circulated all week that the US were suddenly playing out their skins and that their balls were doing strange things. The Europeans didn't appear to have the same balls as the Americans.

Magnetic Core Reveals Satellite Receiver

The Americans were using a magnetic core in the ball and closer study of the core showed it had some sort of satellite tracking device inside it. The hole cups have since been tested and have been found to have been magnetised.

Faldo was fairly diplomatic. "Looks like they cheated," he said. "When players like Boo Weekley finishes seven under as did Kenny Perry then you have to question what's going on," added the popular captain.

Many Marshalls around the course were seen to be holding satellite receivers and when they heard USA USA USA from the tee, they suddenly switched them on in order to assist wayward shots. USA, it now transpires, is code for Use Satellite Assistance. The ball then locked on to a signal which could guarantee the ball would be within a few feet hole, according to makers of the system.

Dirty Tricks

Once the ball was putted, the magnet in the ball was attracted to the magnetised cup. Putts that seemed to be veering way left or right suddenly started curving towards the hole and were going in. This didn't apply to European putts which happily sailed on by the hole.

It's always been an open secret that Tiger Woods uses some form of technology to assist with his game.

Sergio Garcia and Padraig (pronounced Paul) Harrington claimed the technology would have helped their game although a swift kick up the a*se would have sufficed. "Me and Paddy were great before we arrived here. There was some weird stuff going on out there. We were poles apart," said Sergio in broken Spanish.
Ian Poulter had no such trouble but it is suspected his flamboyancy may have interfered with the satellite receivers.

Don't Thank Me, Thank The Satellite

US captain Paul Azinger played down the controversy: "Nick's a tool."
Faldo, thinking this was the Paralympics, has asked for the whole event to be played again. The Ryder Cup Committee have agreed and it will all be replayed in two years time, in Wales, but with a different European captain. Faldo has claimed a moral victory.

Noel Edmonds - Orbs

Noel Edmonds, the host of Deal or No Deal, is said to be distraught to find that a faulty camera is behind the mysterious floating Orbs that he mistakenly believed were his parents watching over him. The 'Orbs' or 'dodgy camera fault' as we call them, had started appearing on numerous home photographs that were taken of the TV star. Over the years, his appearance has not changed, except for the Orbs.
Edmonds had declared on BBC Breakfast News that the melon-sized Orbs contained the souls of his dead parents and often appeared on his shoulders.

Edmonds said: "Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour. They look like little round planets but they come in all shapes and sizes. Conventional photography can't pick them up but digital cameras can."
One of the presenters clearly coughed *fruitcake* while the other, just being polite, said 'hello' to the Orbs, as she said she could just about make them out. Noel said that was strange as the Orbs were currently on a SAGA holiday in the Algarve.
Edmonds's girlfriend Liz Davies, 37, introduced him to Cosmic Ordering after they met two years ago when she worked as a make-up artist on his Channel 4 series Deal or No Deal. It was originally thought he was just going along with it so he could get his end away, but worryingly, he started to believe it.
In order to help with his delusion, a top photographer was brought in to test Noel's theory. Noel agreed to two identical pictures being taken and was shocked at the results. Mum and dad appeared in one, but not the other. Photographer, Sven Arnstein, said that Noel's camera had been damaged, possibly by dropping it and Noel clearly remembered Liz hitting it with a hammer just after they met.

Liz later claimed that the Orbs had probably just gone to the door to talk to a TV license inspector.
It'll be heartbreaking when he finds out that the moon isn't a large family gathering in the sky.

Pickled Onions Art

A Jar of pickled onions sold for 1.2 Million pounds during the Damien Hirst auction. Auctioneer Tim Sewell was astounded that the pickled onions went for so much. What started off as a joke, quickly turned into a bidding frenzy.

Do I Hear A Ridiculous Bid?

"I asked one of the assistants to pick me up a jar of pickled onions, as the wife is rather partial to them, and he gave me the jar while I was auctioneering Damien Hirst's art. I noticed people sit up when they saw the assistant pass me the jar and I just said 'Who'll start me off with a pound for this early Hirst work titled - Many Great Danes Testicles Pickled In Formaldehyde - and was shocked when I was inundated with bids. I was going up in 10,000 pound increments. The room was hot and the hammer eventually came down at 1.2 million pounds - sold to a woman with more money than sense," said Tim.

Load of Bollocks

The lucky bidder was Maureen Thompson, 32, who seemed pleased to have bagged a 'Hirst' on behalf of a London Council. "It's the dog's bollocks," said Ms Thompson.
Tim Sewell said he wanted to stop the auction but the bidding just took on a life of its own.

"A punter said to me that he was disappointed in Hirst's work. He pointed out that Hirst has a reputation for being creative and innovative but all the items in this auction were bollocks."

Damien Hirst Original

Damien Hirst Creates New Work For Non-Smokers

A new work entitled - Dead Ends Are Called Cul-De-Sacs - has gone on display in the Tate Modern.





















Not A Patch On His More Famous Work

The work appears to be a direct response to his own original work - Overpriced Fag Ends On Shelves.
At first glance it appears to be different sized and shaped nicotine patches artistically placed in an old thimble display unit. However, a second viewing confirms that it is really no more than that. You could even lose the word 'artistically' without too much loss to the piece. As Damien explained from his money vault:
"Life is a kaleidoscope and we are celestial frisbees being thrown from one black hole to another. Sometimes we land, or are blown off course, or even caught in the jaws of dog and this reflects the juxtaposition between nicotine Heaven and Nicotinell."
Asked why there was one nicotine patch covered in his trademark coloured dots he said 'there is no artistic merit in it but it adds 500,000 pounds on to the list price.' There is a patch in the shape of a pig to represent politics and a skull to represent death in the mind of a corpse. One space remains empty, which the viewer has to mentally fill.

No skunk was used during the creation of the work or his interview.

Long Legs, Small Man

Guinness Book Of World Records 2009 Launch Photoshoot Goes Horribly Wrong

The shoot left both parties with a smile that even surgery couldn't remove.

Banksy & Rolf Harris

Banksy is to merge with Rolf Harris to become Rolfsy, creating an artistic giant which will hold close to one-third of the UK's large speed painting market.

The deal is set to be formally announced this morning and should calm uncertainty about Banksy's and Rolf's future.

With 20% of the market, Banksy is currently the country's largest graffiti artist. Rolf only has 8% of the market, although this figure could be higher, but he has a whopping 26% share of the 'art you need to look at a few times just to make out what it is' market.

Rolf famously painted the Queen a few years back. The Queen who said 'What the f.......!' when it was revealed has since gone on to love the painting which is housed in a landfill site in North Camden.

ER.....Can You Tell Who it Is Yet?

Rolf describes Banksy's work as creative, dynamic and controversial while Banksy describes Rolf as being kind to animals.

Banksy, who has yet to be arrested, is recognised as one the finest gable end painters of his generation.
"There shouldn't be any impression this is a shotgun marriage or a forced marriage, this is something that Rolf and I have contemplated for a good long while," said Banksy, aka Derek Banks. "There should be significant cost savings on brushes, paint and palettes."

The general public probably won't notice much difference initially. Paint quality and accessibility will be improved. Banksy will train to be a vet as part of the package.

Shoe sizes

As From Today Shoe Shops To Only Offer The Correct Size

It was the end of an era in shoe-selling trade as shops around the country have agreed to only offer the correct size to customers. The long tradition of offering an alternative is to cease from today. Shoe shops around the country have all signed up to the new charter.

The last ever occasion of such a 'sale' was filmed for a Channel 5 documentary - My Life In Shoes. Ted Moult, 44, became the last customer to experience the pointless exercise.

Asst - Can I help you?
Ted - Have you got these in a 9.
Asst - I'll check..... (10 minutes later) ..... We've only got these, which are an 8 and a 10.
Ted - So the choice is to have major surgery to remove my toes or to wear really thick socks.
Asst - It's all we have. They are nice.
Ted - If only they were not the wrong size...or colour. The pair I showed you were brown and they're black
Asst - They are popular and look good.
Ted - Do you sell shoe paint?
Asst - I don't think so.... I can check. Try one of the pairs while I go and look. Your feet can shrink.
Ted - Not in the time I've been waiting.
Asst - Your feet can also swell if you're pregnant!
Ted - I'll get my todger removed along with my toes then and hopefully they can add a womb while I'm in theatre.............

The story had a happy ending. Ted found a store later on in the week that had his size and colour, which he bought due to the fact that it was what he wanted and they fitted perfectly.
"It's a shame to lose the old traditions but you have to move on. I shall fondly remember my complete waste of time experiences," said Ted

It also completed 10 years of not selling an alternative size for shop assistant Sue.
"It's something I've always done. In my heart, I know I should just come back from the stock room and say 'No, we don't have that size' but I was always trained to bring out and offer the sizes immediately above and below the actual size the customer wanted. Some people do try them and they are either too tight or too big. I don't think it's the shoe that is faulty. Some people just have the wrong size feet," said Sue

It's hoped that colour and style will be added to the new shoe-selling charter.
"I'm not sure that it is workable to be honest, but that's a long way off," said Sue.

XL To Downsize

To M

Bullseye For Geeks

Scientists Launch New Version Of Bullseye For Geeks

Scientists launched the new version of Bullseye today called Bosonseye. The new show, hosted by Stephen Hawking, will fill in the black hole left by lack of programmes for geeks.

Three couples, each consisting of a quiz geek and a large dart throwing geek (using their own pre-built massive dart throwing device) will try to win prizes ranging from a new microscope, a speedboat , a caravan, or a particle of matter, to the consolation prize of a set of darts, a collider and a 'Bendy Bully', a rubber model of the show's mascot.

The show will feature the category round which will consist of science, physics, chemistry, mathematics, nuclear physics, the cosmos etc. This will be followed by a points for pounds round. The couples who lose at this point get are told by the host - You get your BFH.....Bus fare home
The show will end with the final pair throwing for prizes on Boson's Prize Board. Each segment of the board houses a prize but it's vital to stay out of Boson's eye, the black hole in the middle of the board, otherwise we all die. This should make for some nailbiting TV.

The final pair can then gamble everyone's life and all their prizes to win 5 billion pound. The host says to the final couple: I want you to consider a gamble, the money you've won, that's safe, and so are peoples lives at the moment. Would you like to gamble your prizes, for tonight's star prize, which is hiding behind Bully?You have the time it takes for a beam of particles to complete a circle, to let us know what you want to do. If we don't make it, well, you've had a good try and we all avoid the credit crunch.

Chinese Collider

China creates its own Large Collider

Terror Suspects Harmless?

Faces of Terror

Judge Anne Durey summed up the case against eight terror suspects by declaring it was probably just harmless fun and an over-reaction to recent events. The case against the defendants had been brought to court after toddler Timmy Thompson, 3 and single, was scared witless at a shopping centre 15 miles from the nearest airport, and screamed for his mummy. She contacted the authorites and the men were arrested at the scene.
"It was an understandadable reaction from Timmy, but he was under no real threat," said the Judge. "Although the one at the end gives me the creeps. Shudder! shudder!

No Threat To Planes, says Virgin

The Judge's views were echoed by Dick Brandson, a 50-year-old virgin, who felt they were no real threat people or to planes and would carry on using his.

"Maybe now is the time for a review to take a look at the current threat posed to planes. Certainly it's important to still be vigilant when the country is on the highest state of alert. There are different rules at different workshops around the world, so it would make more sense to review all of these to make sure there's continuity worldwide," said Dick

Peter Clarke, who headed Scotland Yard's Counter Terror Command, said restrictions must remain.
"The court case has proven that a generic capability exists to create scary faces from rubber. Planes could also still be vulnerable so we are right to continue to require restrictions. We are also right to require these restrictions internationally as, potentially, we are all at risk. Meanwhile, we continue to work with international colleagues to develop technological detection methods which could ease the restrictions, but a screaming child is still a useful tool in the fight against frightening terror.

Hurricane Warning

Fake Storm Warning Was Cynical Attempt To Move The Whole of North England Down South

The government admitted that they faked 'the mother of all hurricanes' in an attempt to move the whole of the North down to the South. Hurricane Gosarf was described as being the biggest and most powerful ever seen on the mainland.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown had addressed the nation earlier in the week.

"People of the North - You need to be scared. You need to be concerned. You need to be frightened. You need to move South. And that was the case even before this storm appeared."
"People of the South - Sorry."

Ministers added their voice:

"It's a disaster. It's catastrophic. It's the worst thing ever. We're doomed. Finished. It's all over. It's a nightmare. But enough about the economy, this storm is bad too," said Chancellor Alistair Darling.
"I'm the leader. I'm the leader. I'm the leader of the gang I am. Well... very shortly," said David Miliband.

Although urgent appeals had been made for a mass evacuation, gritty northerners gave a collective shrug of the shoulders and decided to stay put. "Bring it on" said one. "It'll just be a breeze" said another. "I'll go to the foot of my stairs" said some. "I've nowt worth damaging" cried many.

In a last ditch attempt to force the evacuation, the government enlisted the help of retired weather presenter Michael Fish.




Standing in front of a weather map showing where the storm was supposed to be and the area that needed to evacuate, he said:
"Earlier on today, a dour Scottish man rang me and said he heard there was a hurricane on the way... well, if you're watching, don't worry, there isn't!".








That sent the North into a panic. Millions immediately began packing up for a move. Whippets were put down and pigeons released. Many began practising how to be unfriendly, self-absorbed and greedy.

The 'storm warning' was exposed as a hoax when the government changed its mind. It was pointed out that if northerners moved towards middle England and down south then they would suddenly become wealthier, go soft, have a better standard of living and a better of quality of life. They would have no need to vote for Labour as they have traditionally always done.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Gordon Brown. "You're free to carry on living in poverty and deprivation. This government, like governments in the past and no doubt in the future will just concentrate on the South, which is so warm and cosy and rich."

World Leader Height Test

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is delighted that he has finally reached the required height to be a world leader. It was becoming a bit of millstone as he failed the height test a number of times.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad took the drastic step of having his legs and spine lengthened through surgery. It appears that all the pain and suffering has been worth it. He had informed the West that he was going to have his legs broken and they offered to help him out, but he turned down their offer."We are releasing the test pictures to show people that the system is working and that it is being treated seriously by the UN. As the 'Before and After' picture shows - he just about makes the required minimum height," said a UN spokesman

His legs were broken, then pinned and finally screws were inserted and the international community helped turn the screws gradually over many months causing the bones to stretch.He also had the same done in his back and bits of hip were slotted in to make discs. Finally, he was placed on a rack and stretched all over.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had tried to pass the height test on three previous occasions after the initial test, but had failed.



















"Firstly, he grew his hair and styled it like Heather Small, formerly of M People," said a UN Height Examiner. "That's an unacceptable way to achieve the height. UN Resolution 4862 clearly states that 'a bouffant or coiffure is to be ignored and measurement should be taken up to the scalp only.' He has all her CDs.

"On the second occasion, he was wearing a top hat and wanted us to measure him while he was still wearing it. He said he would wear the hat on all public engagements, so it would be ok for us to pass him. I think we saved him from looking like a demented Diddyman. His proposal was refused. When you meet him, 'top hat' does spring to mind, but that's just the cockney in me.

"He then asked for a further test and it looked promising. His head was clearly above the height required, but then we noticed that he appeared to be on stilts, which violates UN Resolution 4862 (a). We routinely check world leaders for stilts," said the UN Height Examiner."They are shoes with a slightly raised platform," pleaded Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.For a while, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accepted he was never going to measure up as world leader and made up for his lack of stature by enriching uranium and the successful invasion of a Royal Navy speedboat, known as the Thirty Second War.

He only decided on the drastic step of an operation when he met Syrian President.

Bashar al-Assad Bashar al-Assad, known as 'al-Ass' to his mates, was greeted by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Assad said, "Hello little fella, tell your dad I'm here to see him about anti-western rhetoric and the annihilation of neighbouring states." Obviously, it was tad embarrassing when Ahmadinejad said that he was the Iranian President that Assad come to meet. Although Ahmadinejad felt a little small, it wasn't until a picture of the two meeting appeared in the media that it really hit home how unstatesmanlike he looked.

"That picture shocked a nation and the world. It clearly illustrates why we have stringent rules and height restrictions for world leaders. There's no hiding place for small leaders and we will find you. Tall terrorists are a different kettle of fish, mind. If you want to be taken seriously as a credible world leader, then you simply have to measure up," said a UN spokesman.

Never Walk Again

Boy Who Was Told He Would Never Pogo Across The Sahara Carrying An Alligator With An Aga On His Back - Proves Doctors Wrong

Young Tom Patterson was crushed and seriously injured by fellow passengers trying to get off a Ryanair flight. When he was brought into hospital, the outlook was bleak.













"He was in a coma and was paralysed. It was grim," said Consultant Ahkmed Pritesh. "There was little we could do, which was handy as it was friday and I wanted to beat the traffic."
Tom, eventually came through his early scare and woke to see 'Get Well' cards. One from the hospital staff caught his eye. On the front it said 'You're Stuffed' and the verse inside would have sent shivers down his spine had he not been paralysed:

No longer in a coma
Even though you're only ten
It's our duty to inform you
That you'll never walk again

You can still crawl on your belly
It's never troubled snakes
It's a shame that it has happened
But hey! Them's the breaks.

"It made me determined to beat my condition," said Tom. "Then doctors told me I would never pogo across the Sahara carrying an alligator with an aga on my back. That made me angry. Why do they make such sweeping statements? One even offered a fiver for my pogo stick," added Tom.

Dr Pritesh explained: "We told him all that because we often tell people they will 'never walk again' and then five years down the line, much to our annoyance, they are in the media doing a triathlon and saying how they were determined to prove doctors wrong. We don't like that. To be honest, I'd rather be proved right and have them paralysed than proved wrong and have them skipping the light fandango."

Within a year, Tom made a superb recovery and proved doctors wrong.

























He could have spent his life being waited on hand and foot. His choice. I don't think we were wrong at the time. We did thorough tests. I was shoving needles in the soles of his feet and belting his legs with mallets and he made no noises to show us he had any feeling. Turns out he was dying to scream, but his broken jaw wouldn't allow it. We must have really hurt him," said Dr Pritesh.

Tom said he would not be doing anything like that again. "To be honest it was hard work and the 8 grand I raised for charity won't make a blind bit of difference. I would say to people who end up being paralysed that you may as well milk it. I think I've done my back in," said Tom.