I Read The News Today

Newcastle Manager

2008-09-26T12:12:00.002+01:00

Vegetable Linked With Newcastle Manager's Job

Daily Sport understands that Newcastle has been in contact with a Vegetable about the manager's job but no formal offer has been made as yet. The board met to discuss offering a long term contract of possibly 2-3 months but that would be breaking new ground. They may need to dangle a rather large carrot to tempt him. Sven Goran Eriksson was mentioned but the Swede has been ruled out.

A club spokesman has said that whoever takes the job is an idiot but will get a huge compensation package if they are dismissed rather than resigns. The new manager will not be in charge of coaching, team selection, tactics, transfers, programme selling, maintaining the pitch, making tea or anything to do with the team or club or surrounding area. There are several hundred other people at the club who will deal with all that.

The role, while not having a specific part to play or be of any value whatsoever, will purely take attention of those responsible for underacheivement and highlight fans frustrations. Their last manager was sacked for being too defensive and lacking emotion.

The Vegetable currently divides his time between topping up his tan and singing. His last hit - Fog On the Thyme - was 10 years ago. He left management a few years ago dubbed the 'Colly With The Brolly' but that's all behind him now.

How He May Look In His New Job

Incorrectly dubbed 'Thickle' by rival fans, the Newcastle fans, The Looney Toon Army, the most realistc and balanced fans in Europe, have welcomed the move.
"I'd love it, I'd really love it. I believe he comes from an allotment from within a mile of the ground. He's one of us. He thinks like us. It'll be like having the whole fanbase managing the team. A manager in our image. I see Premier League Winners 2009, Champion's League Winners 2010, World Cup Winners 2014 and beyond," said one firmly-footed Newcastle fan

Newcastle fans have organised a march through the streets but as of yet they are undecided if it should be a 'happy' or 'angry' march. They may start with one and end with the other.

Fake Polo Mints

2008-09-26T11:58:00.003+01:00

One In Three Polo Mints Are Fake, says report

The number of fake Polos in circulation now stands at more than 30 million, according to the Royal Mint. It's illegal to make or use counterfeited Polos and the Royal Mint says people must hand them in if they think they have one

Which One Is Fake? (It's Top Right)

How do you tell? They are not easy to spot. Don't just go on the colour as Polos can look a bit minty after a while. Check the lettering. It's not easy to accurately stamp Polo on a fake. Check for a hole.

Ted Thompson, 56, said that it was a worrying development. "I found two fakes down the back of my couch last week."
A lot of people are carrying them without knowing. That Polo in your pocket could be worthless. Both real and fake will leave a hole in your pocket.

Meanwhile counterfeit thieves are coining it in. It's big business.

If you spot one on the floor, it's advised not to eat it. "See a Polo pick it up, don't eat it or you'll throw up" is certainly not just superstitious nonsense.

Fakes are getting worse, but as you can see from the picture - it's not easy to tell the difference. Ultimately a real Polo will taste mintier and be refreshing. The fake is nearly worthless and leaves a bitter taste.

Gordon Brown's Support

2008-09-26T11:56:00.002+01:00

In return, Gordon Brown offers JK Rowling some much needed support

David Blaine

2008-09-23T18:24:00.002+01:00

David Blaine's Winch Breaks On Four-Storey High Metal Frame

No one to Blaine but himself

No one was sure why he was applauding but it appears that a man fixing the sewers was entertaining him while he was waiting to be pulled out of the ground.

Credit Crunchy Nut

2008-09-22T19:55:00.005+01:00

Today Kellogg's launched Credit Crunchy Nut, their new cut price meal-in-a-bowl, for hard-up financial workers affected by the recent worldwide recession.

Ludicrously Cheap

Many workers can no longer afford to go out to pretentious restaurants, pay over the top prices and flaunt their cash buying expensive wine. It's no laughing matter. Not even a snigger.

The once loud and brash crowd need support in these difficult times.Kellogg's have teamed up with Blue Nun - the quality wine firm - who will make a cheaper version - Skint Nun - an incredibly cheeky aperitif to accompany the ludicrously cheap meal.

There will be three box sizes of the Credit Crunchy Nut to cater for the singleton, couples (or with the mistress) and the dinner party crowd. Skint Nun will come in a bottle or a crate with little difference in the price. One crate is the

equivlant of one normal bottle of wine quality. Smells like wee in a stairwell and it brings out the shine in brass.

Head of Marketing, Johnny Wisemueller, said Kellogg's has it roots in providing food for certain minorities in society. Flakes were originally brought out for the mentally ill, Coco Pops for kids, Fruit n' Fibre for rabbits, Frosties for Eskimos (Inuit), Special K for the obese, All-Bran for the constipated, Muesli for horses, Nutri-Grain for size 0s and Pop Tarts for flame swallowers.

"The guys in product development asked if they felt this financial crisis is likely to be a brief episode but I said it will be more like a long running cereal. Not one of them laughed. Can you believe that? Oh you can! Anyway, they're tasty tasty very very tasty, they're very tasty..... or is that Bran Flakes? I don't know? They all come out of one huge silo and taste exactly the same," said Johnny.

Referee Test

2008-09-22T19:36:00.001+01:00

Comprehensive New Test For Football Officials May Put Some Off Applying

The test has hastily been brought in after two officials in one game didn't know this particular rule. They had read about it, but without pictures, they didn't really understand it.
A Football Association Official said: "We looked at the rule which states - 'A goal is scored when the ball completely crosses the goal line between the goal-posts' - and feel it does lack clarity and could, in effect, mean anything.
The game was Watford v Reading, which seems a no contest, as everyone knows you can't beat a good book.

New F1 Ferrari

2008-09-22T18:16:00.007+01:00

Ferrari Formula 1 Team Unveil New Car

Ferrari team boss Stefano Domenicali revealed that as the team whined like a bunch of tarts every time they lost a race, they thought they would design a car that would reflect their racing personality.

Rivals Claim Ferrari Victory Is A Shoe In

Money was no object for the well heeled team. Although the car looked stylish it certainly lacked aerodynamics, but this isn't really important in racing any more, as Stefano Domenicali stated:
"F1 is not about where you start on the grid. It's not even about where you finish in the race. At the end of the day it's all about how the stewards can give points to Ferrari because that's just the way it is. No one wants the integrity of the sport to suffer and while we run the show - it's in safe hands."

Birds & Squirrels

2008-09-22T18:09:00.000+01:00

Ryder Cup

2008-09-22T18:01:00.002+01:00

Satellite Guided Balls And Magnetic Cups May Tarnish US Ryder Cup Victory

Fresh after an emphatic victory in the 2008 Ryder Cup, Team US and Team Europe were embroiled in a row over allegations that the US team had help from above. Rumours had circulated all week that the US were suddenly playing out their skins and that their balls were doing strange things. The Europeans didn't appear to have the same balls as the Americans.

Magnetic Core Reveals Satellite Receiver

The Americans were using a magnetic core in the ball and closer study of the core showed it had some sort of satellite tracking device inside it. The hole cups have since been tested and have been found to have been magnetised.

Faldo was fairly diplomatic. "Looks like they cheated," he said. "When players like Boo Weekley finishes seven under as did Kenny Perry then you have to question what's going on," added the popular captain.

Many Marshalls around the course were seen to be holding satellite receivers and when they heard USA USA USA from the tee, they suddenly switched them on in order to assist wayward shots. USA, it now transpires, is code for Use Satellite Assistance. The ball then locked on to a signal which could guarantee the ball would be within a few feet hole, according to makers of the system.

Dirty Tricks

Once the ball was putted, the magnet in the ball was attracted to the magnetised cup. Putts that seemed to be veering way left or right suddenly started curving towards the hole and were going in. This didn't apply to European putts which happily sailed on by the hole.

It's always been an open secret that Tiger Woods uses some form of technology to assist with his game.

Sergio Garcia and Padraig (pronounced Paul) Harrington claimed the technology would have helped their game although a swift kick up the a*se would have sufficed. "Me and Paddy were great before we arrived here. There was some weird stuff going on out there. We were poles apart," said Sergio in broken Spanish.
Ian Poulter had no such trouble but it is suspected his flamboyancy may have interfered with the satellite receivers.

Don't Thank Me, Thank The Satellite

US captain Paul Azinger played down the controversy: "Nick's a tool."
Faldo, thinking this was the Paralympics, has asked for the whole event to be played again. The Ryder Cup Committee have agreed and it will all be replayed in two years time, in Wales, but with a different European captain. Faldo has claimed a moral victory.

Noel Edmonds - Orbs

2008-09-20T14:33:00.002+01:00

Noel Edmonds, the host of Deal or No Deal, is said to be distraught to find that a faulty camera is behind the mysterious floating Orbs that he mistakenly believed were his parents watching over him. The 'Orbs' or 'dodgy camera fault' as we call them, had started appearing on numerous home photographs that were taken of the TV star. Over the years, his appearance has not changed, except for the Orbs.
Edmonds had declared on BBC Breakfast News that the melon-sized Orbs contained the souls of his dead parents and often appeared on his shoulders.

Edmonds said: "Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour. They look like little round planets but they come in all shapes and sizes. Conventional photography can't pick them up but digital cameras can."
One of the presenters clearly coughed *fruitcake* while the other, just being polite, said 'hello' to the Orbs, as she said she could just about make them out. Noel said that was strange as the Orbs were currently on a SAGA holiday in the Algarve.
Edmonds's girlfriend Liz Davies, 37, introduced him to Cosmic Ordering after they met two years ago when she worked as a make-up artist on his Channel 4 series Deal or No Deal. It was originally thought he was just going along with it so he could get his end away, but worryingly, he started to believe it.
In order to help with his delusion, a top photographer was brought in to test Noel's theory. Noel agreed to two identical pictures being taken and was shocked at the results. Mum and dad appeared in one, but not the other. Photographer, Sven Arnstein, said that Noel's camera had been damaged, possibly by dropping it and Noel clearly remembered Liz hitting it with a hammer just after they met.

Liz later claimed that the Orbs had probably just gone to the door to talk to a TV license inspector.
It'll be heartbreaking when he finds out that the moon isn't a large family gathering in the sky.

Pickled Onions Art

2008-09-18T22:43:00.027+01:00

A Jar of pickled onions sold for 1.2 Million pounds during the Damien Hirst auction. Auctioneer Tim Sewell was astounded that the pickled onions went for so much. What started off as a joke, quickly turned into a bidding frenzy.

Do I Hear A Ridiculous Bid?

"I asked one of the assistants to pick me up a jar of pickled onions, as the wife is rather partial to them, and he gave me the jar while I was auctioneering Damien Hirst's art. I noticed people sit up when they saw the assistant pass me the jar and I just said 'Who'll start me off with a pound for this early Hirst work titled - Many Great Danes Testicles Pickled In Formaldehyde - and was shocked when I was inundated with bids. I was going up in 10,000 pound increments. The room was hot and the hammer eventually came down at 1.2 million pounds - sold to a woman with more money than sense," said Tim.

Load of Bollocks

The lucky bidder was Maureen Thompson, 32, who seemed pleased to have bagged a 'Hirst' on behalf of a London Council. "It's the dog's bollocks," said Ms Thompson.
Tim Sewell said he wanted to stop the auction but the bidding just took on a life of its own.

"A punter said to me that he was disappointed in Hirst's work. He pointed out that Hirst has a reputation for being creative and innovative but all the items in this auction were bollocks."

Damien Hirst Original

2008-09-18T22:43:00.025+01:00

Damien Hirst Creates New Work For Non-Smokers

A new work entitled - Dead Ends Are Called Cul-De-Sacs - has gone on display in the Tate Modern.

Not A Patch On His More Famous Work

The work appears to be a direct response to his own original work - Overpriced Fag Ends On Shelves.
At first glance it appears to be different sized and shaped nicotine patches artistically placed in an old thimble display unit. However, a second viewing confirms that it is really no more than that. You could even lose the word 'artistically' without too much loss to the piece. As Damien explained from his money vault:
"Life is a kaleidoscope and we are celestial frisbees being thrown from one black hole to another. Sometimes we land, or are blown off course, or even caught in the jaws of dog and this reflects the juxtaposition between nicotine Heaven and Nicotinell."
Asked why there was one nicotine patch covered in his trademark coloured dots he said 'there is no artistic merit in it but it adds 500,000 pounds on to the list price.' There is a patch in the shape of a pig to represent politics and a skull to represent death in the mind of a corpse. One space remains empty, which the viewer has to mentally fill.

No skunk was used during the creation of the work or his interview.

Long Legs, Small Man

2008-09-18T22:43:00.022+01:00

Guinness Book Of World Records 2009 Launch Photoshoot Goes Horribly Wrong

The shoot left both parties with a smile that even surgery couldn't remove.

Banksy & Rolf Harris

2008-09-18T22:43:00.016+01:00

Banksy is to merge with Rolf Harris to become Rolfsy, creating an artistic giant which will hold close to one-third of the UK's large speed painting market.

The deal is set to be formally announced this morning and should calm uncertainty about Banksy's and Rolf's future.

With 20% of the market, Banksy is currently the country's largest graffiti artist. Rolf only has 8% of the market, although this figure could be higher, but he has a whopping 26% share of the 'art you need to look at a few times just to make out what it is' market.

Rolf famously painted the Queen a few years back. The Queen who said 'What the f.......!' when it was revealed has since gone on to love the painting which is housed in a landfill site in North Camden.

ER.....Can You Tell Who it Is Yet?

Rolf describes Banksy's work as creative, dynamic and controversial while Banksy describes Rolf as being kind to animals.

Banksy, who has yet to be arrested, is recognised as one the finest gable end painters of his generation.
"There shouldn't be any impression this is a shotgun marriage or a forced marriage, this is something that Rolf and I have contemplated for a good long while," said Banksy, aka Derek Banks. "There should be significant cost savings on brushes, paint and palettes."

The general public probably won't notice much difference initially. Paint quality and accessibility will be improved. Banksy will train to be a vet as part of the package.

Shoe sizes

2008-09-18T14:38:00.014+01:00

As From Today Shoe Shops To Only Offer The Correct Size

It was the end of an era in shoe-selling trade as shops around the country have agreed to only offer the correct size to customers. The long tradition of offering an alternative is to cease from today. Shoe shops around the country have all signed up to the new charter.

The last ever occasion of such a 'sale' was filmed for a Channel 5 documentary - My Life In Shoes. Ted Moult, 44, became the last customer to experience the pointless exercise.

Asst - Can I help you?
Ted - Have you got these in a 9.
Asst - I'll check..... (10 minutes later) ..... We've only got these, which are an 8 and a 10.
Ted - So the choice is to have major surgery to remove my toes or to wear really thick socks.
Asst - It's all we have. They are nice.
Ted - If only they were not the wrong size...or colour. The pair I showed you were brown and they're black
Asst - They are popular and look good.
Ted - Do you sell shoe paint?
Asst - I don't think so.... I can check. Try one of the pairs while I go and look. Your feet can shrink.
Ted - Not in the time I've been waiting.
Asst - Your feet can also swell if you're pregnant!
Ted - I'll get my todger removed along with my toes then and hopefully they can add a womb while I'm in theatre.............

The story had a happy ending. Ted found a store later on in the week that had his size and colour, which he bought due to the fact that it was what he wanted and they fitted perfectly.
"It's a shame to lose the old traditions but you have to move on. I shall fondly remember my complete waste of time experiences," said Ted

It also completed 10 years of not selling an alternative size for shop assistant Sue.
"It's something I've always done. In my heart, I know I should just come back from the stock room and say 'No, we don't have that size' but I was always trained to bring out and offer the sizes immediately above and below the actual size the customer wanted. Some people do try them and they are either too tight or too big. I don't think it's the shoe that is faulty. Some people just have the wrong size feet," said Sue

It's hoped that colour and style will be added to the new shoe-selling charter.
"I'm not sure that it is workable to be honest, but that's a long way off," said Sue.

XL To Downsize

2008-09-18T14:38:00.012+01:00

To M

Bullseye For Geeks

2008-09-18T14:38:00.011+01:00

Scientists Launch New Version Of Bullseye For Geeks

Scientists launched the new version of Bullseye today called Bosonseye. The new show, hosted by Stephen Hawking, will fill in the black hole left by lack of programmes for geeks.

Three couples, each consisting of a quiz geek and a large dart throwing geek (using their own pre-built massive dart throwing device) will try to win prizes ranging from a new microscope, a speedboat , a caravan, or a particle of matter, to the consolation prize of a set of darts, a collider and a 'Bendy Bully', a rubber model of the show's mascot.

The show will feature the category round which will consist of science, physics, chemistry, mathematics, nuclear physics, the cosmos etc. This will be followed by a points for pounds round. The couples who lose at this point get are told by the host - You get your BFH.....Bus fare home
The show will end with the final pair throwing for prizes on Boson's Prize Board. Each segment of the board houses a prize but it's vital to stay out of Boson's eye, the black hole in the middle of the board, otherwise we all die. This should make for some nailbiting TV.

The final pair can then gamble everyone's life and all their prizes to win 5 billion pound. The host says to the final couple: I want you to consider a gamble, the money you've won, that's safe, and so are peoples lives at the moment. Would you like to gamble your prizes, for tonight's star prize, which is hiding behind Bully?You have the time it takes for a beam of particles to complete a circle, to let us know what you want to do. If we don't make it, well, you've had a good try and we all avoid the credit crunch.

Chinese Collider

2008-09-18T14:38:00.007+01:00

China creates its own Large Collider

Terror Suspects Harmless?

2008-09-18T14:38:00.004+01:00

Faces of Terror

Judge Anne Durey summed up the case against eight terror suspects by declaring it was probably just harmless fun and an over-reaction to recent events. The case against the defendants had been brought to court after toddler Timmy Thompson, 3 and single, was scared witless at a shopping centre 15 miles from the nearest airport, and screamed for his mummy. She contacted the authorites and the men were arrested at the scene.
"It was an understandadable reaction from Timmy, but he was under no real threat," said the Judge. "Although the one at the end gives me the creeps. Shudder! shudder!

No Threat To Planes, says Virgin

The Judge's views were echoed by Dick Brandson, a 50-year-old virgin, who felt they were no real threat people or to planes and would carry on using his.

"Maybe now is the time for a review to take a look at the current threat posed to planes. Certainly it's important to still be vigilant when the country is on the highest state of alert. There are different rules at different workshops around the world, so it would make more sense to review all of these to make sure there's continuity worldwide," said Dick

Peter Clarke, who headed Scotland Yard's Counter Terror Command, said restrictions must remain.
"The court case has proven that a generic capability exists to create scary faces from rubber. Planes could also still be vulnerable so we are right to continue to require restrictions. We are also right to require these restrictions internationally as, potentially, we are all at risk. Meanwhile, we continue to work with international colleagues to develop technological detection methods which could ease the restrictions, but a screaming child is still a useful tool in the fight against frightening terror.

Hurricane Warning

2008-09-02T22:10:00.005+01:00

Fake Storm Warning Was Cynical Attempt To Move The Whole of North England Down South

The government admitted that they faked 'the mother of all hurricanes' in an attempt to move the whole of the North down to the South. Hurricane Gosarf was described as being the biggest and most powerful ever seen on the mainland.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown had addressed the nation earlier in the week.

"People of the North - You need to be scared. You need to be concerned. You need to be frightened. You need to move South. And that was the case even before this storm appeared."
"People of the South - Sorry."

Ministers added their voice:

"It's a disaster. It's catastrophic. It's the worst thing ever. We're doomed. Finished. It's all over. It's a nightmare. But enough about the economy, this storm is bad too," said Chancellor Alistair Darling.
"I'm the leader. I'm the leader. I'm the leader of the gang I am. Well... very shortly," said David Miliband.

Although urgent appeals had been made for a mass evacuation, gritty northerners gave a collective shrug of the shoulders and decided to stay put. "Bring it on" said one. "It'll just be a breeze" said another. "I'll go to the foot of my stairs" said some. "I've nowt worth damaging" cried many.

In a last ditch attempt to force the evacuation, the government enlisted the help of retired weather presenter Michael Fish.

Standing in front of a weather map showing where the storm was supposed to be and the area that needed to evacuate, he said:
"Earlier on today, a dour Scottish man rang me and said he heard there was a hurricane on the way... well, if you're watching, don't worry, there isn't!".

That sent the North into a panic. Millions immediately began packing up for a move. Whippets were put down and pigeons released. Many began practising how to be unfriendly, self-absorbed and greedy.

The 'storm warning' was exposed as a hoax when the government changed its mind. It was pointed out that if northerners moved towards middle England and down south then they would suddenly become wealthier, go soft, have a better standard of living and a better of quality of life. They would have no need to vote for Labour as they have traditionally always done.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Gordon Brown. "You're free to carry on living in poverty and deprivation. This government, like governments in the past and no doubt in the future will just concentrate on the South, which is so warm and cosy and rich."

World Leader Height Test

2008-09-01T12:46:00.011+01:00

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is delighted that he has finally reached the required height to be a world leader. It was becoming a bit of millstone as he failed the height test a number of times.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad took the drastic step of having his legs and spine lengthened through surgery. It appears that all the pain and suffering has been worth it. He had informed the West that he was going to have his legs broken and they offered to help him out, but he turned down their offer."We are releasing the test pictures to show people that the system is working and that it is being treated seriously by the UN. As the 'Before and After' picture shows - he just about makes the required minimum height," said a UN spokesman

His legs were broken, then pinned and finally screws were inserted and the international community helped turn the screws gradually over many months causing the bones to stretch.He also had the same done in his back and bits of hip were slotted in to make discs. Finally, he was placed on a rack and stretched all over.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had tried to pass the height test on three previous occasions after the initial test, but had failed.

"Firstly, he grew his hair and styled it like Heather Small, formerly of M People," said a UN Height Examiner. "That's an unacceptable way to achieve the height. UN Resolution 4862 clearly states that 'a bouffant or coiffure is to be ignored and measurement should be taken up to the scalp only.' He has all her CDs.

"On the second occasion, he was wearing a top hat and wanted us to measure him while he was still wearing it. He said he would wear the hat on all public engagements, so it would be ok for us to pass him. I think we saved him from looking like a demented Diddyman. His proposal was refused. When you meet him, 'top hat' does spring to mind, but that's just the cockney in me.

"He then asked for a further test and it looked promising. His head was clearly above the height required, but then we noticed that he appeared to be on stilts, which violates UN Resolution 4862 (a). We routinely check world leaders for stilts," said the UN Height Examiner."They are shoes with a slightly raised platform," pleaded Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.For a while, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accepted he was never going to measure up as world leader and made up for his lack of stature by enriching uranium and the successful invasion of a Royal Navy speedboat, known as the Thirty Second War.

He only decided on the drastic step of an operation when he met Syrian President.

Bashar al-Assad Bashar al-Assad, known as 'al-Ass' to his mates, was greeted by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Assad said, "Hello little fella, tell your dad I'm here to see him about anti-western rhetoric and the annihilation of neighbouring states." Obviously, it was tad embarrassing when Ahmadinejad said that he was the Iranian President that Assad come to meet. Although Ahmadinejad felt a little small, it wasn't until a picture of the two meeting appeared in the media that it really hit home how unstatesmanlike he looked.

"That picture shocked a nation and the world. It clearly illustrates why we have stringent rules and height restrictions for world leaders. There's no hiding place for small leaders and we will find you. Tall terrorists are a different kettle of fish, mind. If you want to be taken seriously as a credible world leader, then you simply have to measure up," said a UN spokesman.

Never Walk Again

2008-09-01T12:37:00.009+01:00

Boy Who Was Told He Would Never Pogo Across The Sahara Carrying An Alligator With An Aga On His Back - Proves Doctors Wrong

Young Tom Patterson was crushed and seriously injured by fellow passengers trying to get off a Ryanair flight. When he was brought into hospital, the outlook was bleak.

"He was in a coma and was paralysed. It was grim," said Consultant Ahkmed Pritesh. "There was little we could do, which was handy as it was friday and I wanted to beat the traffic."
Tom, eventually came through his early scare and woke to see 'Get Well' cards. One from the hospital staff caught his eye. On the front it said 'You're Stuffed' and the verse inside would have sent shivers down his spine had he not been paralysed:

No longer in a coma
Even though you're only ten
It's our duty to inform you
That you'll never walk again

You can still crawl on your belly
It's never troubled snakes
It's a shame that it has happened
But hey! Them's the breaks.

"It made me determined to beat my condition," said Tom. "Then doctors told me I would never pogo across the Sahara carrying an alligator with an aga on my back. That made me angry. Why do they make such sweeping statements? One even offered a fiver for my pogo stick," added Tom.

Dr Pritesh explained: "We told him all that because we often tell people they will 'never walk again' and then five years down the line, much to our annoyance, they are in the media doing a triathlon and saying how they were determined to prove doctors wrong. We don't like that. To be honest, I'd rather be proved right and have them paralysed than proved wrong and have them skipping the light fandango."

Within a year, Tom made a superb recovery and proved doctors wrong.

He could have spent his life being waited on hand and foot. His choice. I don't think we were wrong at the time. We did thorough tests. I was shoving needles in the soles of his feet and belting his legs with mallets and he made no noises to show us he had any feeling. Turns out he was dying to scream, but his broken jaw wouldn't allow it. We must have really hurt him," said Dr Pritesh.

Tom said he would not be doing anything like that again. "To be honest it was hard work and the 8 grand I raised for charity won't make a blind bit of difference. I would say to people who end up being paralysed that you may as well milk it. I think I've done my back in," said Tom.

Doctors - Test Results

2008-08-30T12:51:00.000+01:00

Doctors To Give Test Results At Inappropriate Times Via Inappropriate People, says Chief Medical Officer.

There was a time when you popped along to your GP and he broke the news about the results of tests you had undertaken, but that's all set to change.

Doctors will now reveal the results of your tests when it's highly inappropriate. A pilot scheme has already been using the new system with positive results. A few patients have praised the scheme although one has since died.

"It's a simple premise. You just leave a contact number of a close relative/friend who knows about your movements in the weeks after the test and then we take care of the rest," said a GMC spokesman.

Barbara White, 52, shop assistant, was one of the first to take part.
"The doctor told me that I would receive the test results sometime within a month," said Barbara White, 52. I'd been feeling quite rough. He told me it was probably very serious, but not to worry as he had been wrong once, many years ago. I went on holiday as planned and ordered a drink at poolside and the waiter gave me a rum and coke and informed me that I had leukaemia and that I should return home immediately. It took a while to understand what he was trying to say, but we got there in the end. I really appreciated the timing. I was only two days into my holiday and although the doctor could have told me before I went, he felt, at the time, that it would be better to wait until it was fairly awkward and inappropriate."

Tim Jenson, 22, philosophy student, had a similar experience. "I was part way through my driving test when the instructor told me that the mole on my back was benign. I slammed on the breaks and broke down in tears. I failed the test because I had done an unscheduled emergency stop and I had hugged the examiner also."

"It was great breaking the news," said Driving Examiner, Ted Walters. "He was really delighted and it made failing him very easy indeed. We have quotas and I needed one more fail to keep up the percentage. I've got a real stinker next week though. Woman in her 30s. Bad news I'm afraid. That's the joy of this job, you don't know what will happen next."

The GMC added: "A lot of people like to make a drama out their illnesses. Stories get dressed up and commonly unused adjectives get bandied about. We felt that the visit to the surgery and having the doctor fake sincerity was really not contributing to the overall effect. People want 'shock and gore' in a time when they are competing to have the most dramatic health problem on the planet.
"One woman was given the all-clear and asked for a second opinion and said if she couldn't find a doctor in this country who would say she was seriously ill then she would look abroad. She was livid, but sadly, she was in perfect health.
"Doctors will be rewarded financially for more elaborate and creative ways of breaking the news. I can't name names, but some people in the public eye are in for a real treat. One has happened already."

Olympics - Name Drain

2008-08-30T12:46:00.000+01:00

Part Of New Sewerage System To Be Named After A 'Nearly An Olympian'

Part of a new sewerage system, which has just been completed in Islington, London, is to be named after an athlete who nearly made the Olympics as part of the hugely successful and immensely popular - Team GB.

Head of Engineering, Fred Summerskill, is pleased that the project, which has been brought in late and over-budget, is now completed.
"What we have is a main sewer pipe, much like any other you may have come across, but it then splits into four holding areas. Usually, sewerage systems just get a number, but with everyone in the Olympic spirit, it feels just right. We have decided to name this part of the system - Drain Chambers.

"Basically, it will be full of crap most of the time," he added.

Assassination Plot - UK

2008-08-30T12:37:00.005+01:00

A plot to kill Prime Minsiter Gordon Brown has been discovered and arrests have been made. The picture below shows the dramatic moment when the leader of the plot was revealed.

It's Miliband

Estate Agents - Deception Warning

2008-08-30T12:35:00.001+01:00

Dramatic Fall In UK House Prices May Force Estates Agents Into Deception

Estate Agents, recognised throughout the business world as the 'honest profession,' may resort to deception, says a spokesman for Estate Agents.

"We pride ourselves on being an honest and transparent organisation, but with the housing market as it is, we feel some members may resort to deception and manipulation to push a sale through. There's no recent history of this happening, but members are showing frustration with a housing market that has stalled," said the spokesman.

Terry Thompson, 35, is one feeling the pressure. "I've shelved the yacht. That's out for the time being. My integrity is being tested to the limit. I'd rather live in a tent and ride a bike and sell the horses though than compromise that. I was almost tempted to sell some doddery old woman's house to a relative at a rock bottom price, which we would then sell on and split the profits, but I didn't. My two houses are losing value too, you know."

Sandra Beckwith-Palmerson, 26, echoed Terry's dilemna. "I've been tempted to use my female charm and impressive assets to acquire sales and it makes me feel dirty. Inaccurate descriptions and failing to mention the paedophile drug addict next door are not part of my make-up. If a drain blocks and floods a property every couple of years then I'm the first to tell them. Character and charming are not old and pokey on my watch. I even use a rule that doesn't add a few extra feet onto everything.

A random member of the public said he did feel sorry for Estate Agents.
"They are often over-looked. They have my sympathy. I'd pay more for a house if it would help them out. There are some people out there with no heart.though. Yesterday, I saw a nurse and she shouted at an Estate Agent - See you, wouldn't wanna bijou. Nasty stuff."

Kate Garraway - Milkshakes

2008-08-27T12:08:00.003+01:00

Kate Garraway was spotted with a mystery man yesterday

He had joined her for lunch

Olympics - Horseplay

2008-08-26T13:52:00.003+01:00

Four Horses Test Positive For Banned Substances At Olympics Undergo Trial With Castleford Tigers Rugby League Team

Castleford chief executive Richard Wright said that it was not a publicity stunt but added: "Many expected them to not be at the races and have a 'mare in the trials but they have shown a fair bit of skill, commitment and courage to suggest that with time they could become successful rugby league players. Their work ethic and professionalism have been exemplary."

"Many people watched their trial and they certainly won over some of the doubters, and proved that the trial was more than simply a publicity stunt. Whether we have the time to get them up to the level required is a different matter"

The horses have now finished the trial but judging by their long faces, they are not going to be offered a contract.

In the Olympics, suspicion had been aroused when footage of one of the clear rounds was reviewed

Emigrated While Asleep

2008-08-25T15:54:00.000+01:00

Man Calls Local Radio Station Claiming He Was Moved To Another Country While He Slept

The drama unfolded around 8.30am on Radio Waves 96.2fm

DJ - Hi caller, I believe you have a dramatic story to tell us.
Bob - Hi Dave, I most certainly do. I got up around 7.30am and pulled back the curtains and noticed it wasn't raining.
DJ - (gasp) Not raining! Did you say not raining?
Bob - That's right, Dave. I've no idea where I am or how I got here???
DJ - What can you see out of the window Bob?
Bob - From memory, I'd say it was the sun.
DJ - Is it to the East or West, Bob?
Bob - What are the chances of me calling you and holding a compass, Dave?
DJ - Fair point. What else can you see?
Bob - It looks similar to back home. In fact, I'd say it's exactly the same.
DJ - Parallel Universe maybe?
Bob - That was my first thought. A parallel universe like the doctor.
DJ - Doctor Who?
Bob - Tenant, I think. I don't think he's a real doctor or even qualified in medicine
DJ - Probably a junior doctor then..........................

Meanwhile, on the very same morning...........
2008 Uk - Not The Hottest Summer Since Records Began, say Met Office

Weather watchers, and apparently they do exist but you hope not in your social circle, had long been expecting this result, but have had to wait for confirmation from official sources. Normal people were not taken aback either when told.

"I didn't think it was the hottest," said divorcee Wendy Turner, 46. "I recall 1976 was very hot and it's certainly been below that. I don't recall wearing a coat, hat and scarf like I have this August."

The Met Office went on to add that this year hasn't been the hottest this decade.

"I'm not surprised," said Ted Frobisher, 62, retired. "I remember quite clearly that I wore a blue t-shirt three summers ago that I got from George, not my mate George, but the one at Asda. 1976 was hot. A lot of sunburn. Even the church bells were peeling. Obviously, that's not in the last decade, but it was hot.

"It's not even the hottest in the last two years," said a Met spokesman.

"That does surprise me a bit," said Jenny Smith, 22. "I guess it's a close run thing. I know last year wasn't hot, but I wouldn't like to have been pressed as to which one was warmer. This one is certainly wetter. 1976 was hot. I wasn't born then, but I believe it was hot.

The Met Office likes to give each year some sort of award and this year looks like it's going to be for 'The Most Types Of Rain Since Records Began'

Gordon Brown Wins Gold

2008-08-25T15:27:00.004+01:00

Brown wins Gold in 'Most Unpopular Leader Of Britain Ever According To Polls'

Gordon Brown, just back from his hols, said he felt like an Olympian and was quick to thank Tony Blair
"I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for Tony the Tosser.Just give a chance," said the ramfeezled Scot.

Mrs Thatcher, who forgot that there was a North of England when Prime Minister, was as sharp as ever.
Mrs T - What am I doing here?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Prime Minister.
Mrs T - I can't wait to tell Denis.
Reporter - Your husband died a few years ago, Mrs Thatcher.
Mrs T - When was I divorced?
Reporter - You never got divorced.
Mrs T - What am I doing here? Who is he?
Reporter - You've won the silver medal for being the most unpopular Pime Minister. That's Gordon Brown, the current, unelected Prime Minister.
Mrs T - Where's my pretty Carol, my only child?
Reporter - Don't you remember that you also have a son?
Mrs T - Of course I do, but I deliberately choose to forget about him. What a waster.

Blair was happy with a bronze
"My weight is bound to fluctuate, I've had 4 kids," said the organ grinder.

Olympics - Oz Praise

2008-08-25T15:23:00.003+01:00

Australian Man Says - Well Done - To Team GB

Australian Shane Thompson, 41, was approached by a reporter who asked what he thought about Team GB doing really well while his own country were going backwards.
Shane appeared to grit his teeth and he was obviously emotional, as he choked on his words a number of times before saying "Well done!"

The reporter asked if he had heard the question properly and Shane nodded.
"Fair play to the poms. It's good to see them winning things. Makes me proud that I have this connection with them," said Shane.

"Somewhere between 'Billabong' and 'Rolf' in the Australian dictionary I came across 'Humility' and I'm truly humbled. We still trounce them at cricket and they only win sitting down," added Shane, partially reverting to type due to a conditioned reflex.

Australia, who introduced Gloating to the Olympic schedule in Sydney 2000, haven't won a medal in that event this year

Shane admitted that the only other time he had said 'well done' to someone from Britain was when an English chef asked him how he would like his steak cooked.

Olympics - Potty Marathon

2008-08-22T10:37:00.003+01:00

Paula's Potty, the gadget highlighted on this very blog, pulled up during the Olympic Marathon in Beijing. It was worth a shot but probably wasn't ready to compete in such a n important race. Paula had made an awful lot of excuses in case of a poor performance such as axel stress, radio interference, the roll running out of paper and a snake bite to the aerial.

The race began well enough, amid strong support, with the Potty keeping perfect pace with Paula, but it began to show problems after about 12 miles, leaving Paula without a pot to piss in when she needed to spend a penny.

The wheels eventually came off. Paula, who was tearful and distraught even before the race started - was devastated. She was forced to the end the marathon in a pink nappy.

Paula has set her sights on London 2012, but whether she will be up to commentating is anyone's guess. No doubt she will pick up a throat infection a week before or step on a scorpion, but she will soldier on, obviously.

Glitter To Tour UK

2008-08-19T12:23:00.005+01:00

Disgraced sicko and former popstar, Gary Glitter, 64, real name Peter File, has been released from prison in Vietnam.

He immediately announced he would be touring once again with an all new line-up of The Glitter Band.

Jonathon King completes the line-up as the band's fiddler

Glitter will be the support act to The Guantanamo Bay City Rollers, the new headlining indie band, which is made up of released prisoners from Guantanamo Bay. It was originally only a 28 day UK tour, but it's now been extended to 42 days.

Glitter, former PC World spokesperson and a man so vile that not even Raj Persaud would copy him, is said to be 'very excited' about working with his new band.

Olympics - RSI

2008-08-18T14:24:00.000+01:00

Man Who Updates The Medal Table For Great Britain Off Sick With RSI

Fred Thurman, the man who got the world's easiest job, has been signed off sick with RSI.

"I'm a lazy, work-shy type of guy and didn't really want to work but when I saw this job advertised, I thought 'how hard can that be?' and the first few days looked promising. I got my deckchair out and opened a few beers and sat back and was grateful I wasn't the guy doing the Chinese updates.

"Then the sailing, rowing and cycling started and I've been rushed off my feet. Golds here, silvers there. What's going on? In my day, fourth was the position to be in. Heroic failure was the accepted norm. There's too many smiling faces and fulfilled potential. I'm not happy.

"My wrist is giving me grief. Part of that is due to watching porn, but constant updating of the chart hasn't helped. Both Liu Xiang and me are out of the Olympics with an injury although he's getting all the headlines. I feel like Blake Aldridge," said Fred.

The position has now been filled by a former Olympic athlete in attempt to keep up with the demanding role. Specialist training will be given to the person who gets the job for 2012 in what could be the busiest job of all time.

"I do feel sorry for the US guy. He'll be doing updates for years to come when they have to start giving the medals back," added Fred.

UK - North v South

2008-08-18T14:20:00.000+01:00

Two Patients Who Escaped From A Psychiatric Hospital Demand To Be let Back In

Jason Ford, 23, and 35-year-old Barry Powell, absconded from a secure hosptial in the South of England last week and headed up North. After spending a week in the North of England, they handed themselves in at a police station in Bradford.

Both men had been making progress while in hospital but a week up North had left them looking like they had lost all hope.

"It was grim," Jason Ford told authorities. "The places we visited had lost much of their raison d'etre."

"I felt trapped. It was like a madhouse," added Barry Powell. "I said to Jason that it's hard to imagine them prospering at their current sizes and he agreed."

Both men began to question whether they had actually escaped or whether they were still in the grounds of hospital. "It was messing with my mind," said Jason. "It was cold, dark, scary, dirty, poverty-stricken and filled with delusional people. Part of me wanted to tell people the reality of the position: regeneration, in the sense of convergence, will not happen, because it is not possible. Another part of me told me to 'run like the wind' back down South."

Doctors have warned that both men are now showing irreversible psychological problems.
They said that Barry and Jason told then that dynamic economies require dynamic economic geography and then they made proposals that appeared to be unworkable, unreasonable and perhaps plain barmy.

"They are in a terrible state, but in a better place now and should regain some hope out of their current despair," said doctors.

"The South has a permanent smell of roses, is crime free, rich, full of well-rounded, friendly, unpretentious people," said Jason. "I don't know what possessed us to run away back to the dark ages," said the thoughtful mental patient

Doctors have suggested that people up North would do well to move down South into secure hospitals where they can have their Northernness removed through constant put-downs.
Police also returned six other escapees who doctors didn't recognise and said must be from a different hospital.

"They kept saying they were part of a 'Think Tank' but they were clearly unwell. The worst I've seen in 25 years," said one senior doctor.

Bigfoot Found? - New Picture

2008-08-18T14:15:00.005+01:00

Lapdancing Mps

2008-08-17T17:53:00.005+01:00

Gordon Brown Sends Three Cabinet Ministers To Lap Dancing Club To Awaken Their Ability To Function

He took a major step to improving the current state of Britain by attempting to bring three cabinet ministers out of their political stupor. Jack Straw, Alistair Darling and David Miliband were sent on an organised trip to a Westminster lap dancing club - The Greasy Poll - in the hope that they would come out of their near catatonic state and start doing something for the benefit of the country.

Apart from the odd conditioned reflex soundbite, the three had done bugger all to help the beleaguered Prime Minister.

The three ministers certainly responded to some therapeutic dancing and for a short time, their creative juices were flowing.

The Dance of the Seven Veils was the highlight for Jack Straw and he was a willing helper in removing each veil.

At first, David Miliband looked like a smug geography teacher but by the end of the night, he was showing the ladies his party piece - the five finger reshuffle. He later said that the trip was like a busman's holiday as once again he was in a room surrounded by tits.

Alistair Darling, well known for premature taxation, began to think of ways to lower everything and had a sudden urge to fill the hole in the economy.

Ufology Race Storm

2008-08-15T21:05:00.000+01:00

The Chief of the West Midlands Ufology Society has been demoted due to remarks made at a conference about Alien probes. Tom Perty was the main speaker at the conference and at the end of the course, he was presented with miniature flying saucer which he remarked was "Green Man's Wings."

Two ufologists on the course complained that they found the remarks offensive and he was hauled before a disciplinary panel, which last week demoted him to the rank of Abductions & First Contact Coordinator.

The National Ufology Society defended their actions but fellow ufologists accused the National body of taking political correctness too far.

"It's a complete over-reaction," said a source. "Personally, I don't think there was anything particularly wrong with what he said as it was just a joke. The National Society seem to spend more time investigating each other these days than they do actually standing on bleak moors in the small hours looking for speeding lights. They're obviously more interested in political correctness than letting experienced ufologists get on with the job of proving we are not all nutters and that aliens are really out there."

Chief Perty, who controlled the West Midlands branch, won praise within ufology circles for his work on improving communication with aliens with the introduction of a basic sign language that both humans and aliens could use during contact.

He once headed the Society's task force that helped investigate green-on-green crime when neighouring aliens met over the skies of the UK.

A spokesman for the National Ufology Society said they had dealt with the Chief in "the appropriate manner."

"The Society expects the highest standards of professionalism and integrity from all its members and staff and has robust procedures in place to deal with behaviour which falls outside those standards," he said.

Critics say the case is the latest example of ufologists being overly sensitive to alien minorities that now walk among us on earth.

Olympics - Closing Ceremony

2008-08-15T11:05:00.001+01:00

Chinese Will Let Yang Peiyi Sing In Front Of The Cameras At The Closing Ceremony

Yang Peiyi will be given her chance to shine in front billions when she gets to sing at the closing ceremony.

The Olympic musical director, Chen Qigang, said that she wasn't allowed in front of the cameras at the opening because she was a 'bit of a minger.'

"After several tests, we realised she had a face for radio so we decided to put Lin Miaoke on the live picture, while using Yang Peiyi's voice only. It's like having Barbara Streisand singing behind the curtain and Gisele Bündchen miming out front. She reminds me of Celine Dion. A decent voice with a face that belongs in a paddock," said Chen Qigang. "I suspect she'll grow up and become a beautiful swan, but at the moment she could curdle milk just by looking at it."
He added that special arrangements had now been made and rehearsals were flawless.

It's In The Bag - Yang Peiyi

Far prettier Lin Miaoke had mimed to the world at the opening ceremony as Yang Peiyi sang well out of camera shot. Yang said she was unlikely to be scarred for life, but TV work will not be an option in future.

Olympics - Medal Ceremony

2008-08-14T20:03:00.005+01:00

Chinese Olympic officials admitted using a stand-in during a medal ceremony.

Hu Liang had won gold in the 400m freestyle event, but was not on the podium to receive the gold. He was replaced by male model, Tian Jia, as he was viewed as being more aesthetically pleasing than Hu.

Hu Liang is well known throughout China as a champion swimmer with a toned body and 'strong' facial features.

Frightening Physiognomy

"He's really quite scary," said a Chinese official. "We had expected him to win and so we had prepared for the ceremony. While he is swimming, you don't notice his unfortunate face, but once he is out of the water, it really hits home. There's no way we could use close-ups for the medal ceremony. If it was Halloween then we could probably get by. We had thought about the camera panning across the swimmers feet instead of head shots or just sticking to showing the flag, but we felt we needed to get an image across that we are great swimmers and damn fine to look at," added the official.

Easy on The Eye

The photogenic Tian Jia conducted post-gold medal interviews with the world's press and was happy to be pictured in a number of seductive poses.

Officials said Hu was proud to be the swimmer behind the face, but sources say he has been spirited away for a year of beauty re-education through hard labour.

Olympics - Diving

2008-08-13T18:22:00.003+01:00

Tom Daley and Blake Aldridge Miss Out On Synchronised Showering Medal

Soft Showers -

'We Just Didn't Gel'

Boney M

2008-08-11T11:49:00.004+01:00

Barry Manilow Sunbathes On A Beach Amid Concerns Over His Dramatic Weight Loss

Barrry & Mandy Relaxing On Copacabana Beach

"He is spreading himself thin at the moment as he is rehearsing for his new show in Vegas, recording his new album, recording an original rock album and putting together an arena show. As you can see, he's got a lot on his plate," said his PR man

Friends, who have nicknamed the svelte singer - Boney M, are concerned that he does have a lot on his plate, but he doesn't appear to be eating it.

Anorexic Anonymous don't really want to get involved at this stage as they think Barry still looks 'a bit chubby in places' but have said that Barry should follow the general rule of eating less for the perfect body.

Super Burglar's Case Dismissed

2008-08-11T11:45:00.000+01:00

Judge Throws Out Case Against Super Burglar For Being Implausible.

Judge Jefferson, 83, threw out the prosecutions case that Jimmy Johnson was the super burglar, who had stolen GBP30 million from stately homes, on the grounds that it 'couldn't possibly be.'
Judge Jefferson repeatedly interrupted the prosecution to ask "Are you sure? What I see before me is a scruffy little toe-rag." The prosecution confirmed he was the super burglar and went on to describe how Johnson lived in a tiny caravan with his 8 children and his wife, who was also his grandmother.

The Judge said he would allow the police some time to find the real burglar(s) but PC Timbrell said that Jimmy Johnson was the man behind the crimes. PC Timbrell went on to describe how Jimmy Johnson had hid his crimes by living the life of a poor waste of space.

The Judge then turned his attentions to Jimmy Johnson

"Look, you're a dirty, ugly, scruffy, smelly toe-rag and yet they say you have stolen GBP30 million. It's a set up isn't it? You've been framed? I mean, look where you live! Look at your clothes, your teeth, your hair. You're nothing more than a tramp in a caravan with no condoms," said the sympathetic Judge.

Johnson nodded to the Judge and said "that's about the size of it, your Honour" looking directly at the jury.

The Judge then dismissed the case and asked for the police to look for some suave, sophisticated criminals living a luxurious lifestyle in Monte Carlo and said he would be writing to the Chief Constable so that 'pathetic, revolting, lazy, bottom-rungers would not be falsely accused of crimes that they showed no outward sign of committing.

He recommended Johnson have a bath even though it wasn't his birthday.

Dead Man Walking

2008-08-11T11:41:00.002+01:00

Woman Googles Steve Fossett And Casts Doubt On His Demise

Paula Radcliffe's Potty

2008-08-08T20:26:00.002+01:00

Paula Radcliffe Goes Potty Before Marathon Run

Paula Radcliffe is to run clean and has been given the all clear to run with her new potty gadget.

Paula's Pink Olympic Ring Won't Be On Show

Potty Training

Paula Radcliffe has been road-testing the new product to assist her during her marathon run.

The remote control potty, known as Paula's Portable Potty, will be allowed to follow behind her and is remotely controlled by her coach who will ride pillion on a motorcycle.
"If she wants to go more than once then the crap will really hit the fans, who will be lining the streets," said her coach.

Mercury Shortlist Revealed

2008-07-27T17:49:00.003+01:00

1. Become lead singer of Queen

2. Do Live Aid

Qantas Jet Hole

2008-07-27T17:44:00.006+01:00

Qantas jet probe links hole with supermodel locked in the hold

A possible explosive temper tantrum from supermodel Naomi Campbell, who had been locked in the hold for the safety of other passengers, may have been the cause of a huge hole that appeared in the Qantas Boeing 747 plane. Miss Campbell had been locked in the hold as a precaution, as she looked a 'bit stroppy' as she boarded the plane. She had complained that she had lost luggage in the past and didn't want to be separated from it and the crew complied with her wish.

The plane was flying to Melbourne when it had to make an emergency landing in the Philippines on Friday. Passengers reported loud banging and possibly swearing . It appears to have been loud enough to have woken passengers who were sleeping. The crew handed out ear-plugs immediately, but then there was rapid decompression of the cabin.

Investigator Neville Blyth said that Miss Campbell was the only thing missing from the plane when it landed, but it's still "too early to say whether she was the cause of the hole." He confirmed that a jewel-encrusted mobile phone and BlackBerry Personal Organiser had been found by the hole. Mr Blyth added that they were checking the runway as it wouldn't be the first time she had taken a tumble on one.

Her PA has been informed that Miss Campbell is missing and the shock has left her face stuck with a permanent grin.

"At this stage, there is no evidence whatsoever that this is just the plane falling to bits," Mr Blyth, a senior investigator from the Australian Transport and Safety Bureau, told a news conference in Manila.

"Philippine bomb-sniffing dogs have gone through the hold and found no indication of explosives or bomb residues, but did pick up the scent of Cat Deluxe At Night," Mr Blyth said.

Qantas has been told to inspect the whole of its Boeing 747 fleet for temperamental passengers.

Spanks A Lot

2008-07-27T11:56:00.007+01:00

The News Of the World redeemed themselves by sending Max Mosley a lovely cake to show no hard feelings

Marriage Proposals

2008-07-27T11:46:00.002+01:00

Marriage will no longer have to be for life but will now be for a fixed period of time determined by the happy couple. The government have brought in the measure to help reduce the divorce rate and to give people a way out to avoid the stigma of marriage failure and to put them out of their misery.

Marriage will now offer choices as to how long you expect to be married. Friends, relatives and complete strangers can all help and advise as to what term best suits you, but ultimately it will be the doting couples decision.

New Terms are:
2 years (celebrity)
4 years (honest mistake)
5to6 years (more to life)
7to10 years (itching to escape)
11to19 years (kids gone, bye)
20+ years (no parole)

"Obviously, we want people to enjoy their marriage, however short-lived, and we ask people to have realistic expectations as to how they long they expect to be married. When a friend says "It'll never last" or "I give it 6 months" then the couple should take heed of this advice and choose a marriage plan to suit their utterly inevitable marriage collapse," said the Minister For Families.

"We have tried to cover most groups. There are some people who should never have got married. Everyone told them so but they went ahead anyway.

The 2 year bracket gives them hope of an early release and they can show they were committed for the time period they chose.

The 4 year bracket is more for the honest mistake. You don't really know a person until you're with them 24/7 and partners can be really tedious after a while, especially as you discover their little ways, habits and foibles. They confused lust with love. 4 years isn't a long wait to be free. You gave it your best shot.

The 5-7 years is the 'Beginning of the Itch' or 'pre-Itch' as we call it. You've probably got young kids and you're permanently tired. Everywhere is telling you there's a better life out there. Wouldn't it be nice to just walk away after your term ends. No guilt and no stigma. Future partners will be impressed at your past commitment.

"7-10 years is the 'Itch' and people really do want out. We see this as a popular option. This gives couples a chance to finish their term and go back to their first love that they have recently contacted on Friends Reunited. Everyone's happy.

The 11-19 years is for couples who know that they would struggle to part for the sake of the children, they plan to have. This option has quite a spread of years so they can choose a period as to when they feel the kids are at an age where the impact is less.

20+ years is for 'old-school' but it's really just a token gesture and is unlikely to be taken up. You could murder someone and be out quicker, although we don't recommend that," said the Minister.

Celebrities have voiced concerns that the shortest options seems to be 2 years and want a special 1 year license or just a few months if possible. "We find that our members tend to have short, passionate marriages that fizzle out after they have sold the wedding pictures and enough stories about how in love and happy they are. We would like this reflected in the options and a more realistic '6-8 months' would be ideal," said a spokesman for celebrities
.
Tied into these new marriage arrangements is what happens when your chosen term ends.

"Once your term ends, you can marry someone else as quickly as the next day. Being married a number of times will actually show you are a commited person, for a specified time period. You can be Elizabeth Taylor without the failure rate," said the Minister

"You can certainly extend your period if you defy the critics and are still happy and in love. There's no need to re-marry the same person. We recommend '1 year rolling contracts' as love can turn to misery in a short space of time. If you decide that the end of the term is the end of the marriage then you can just shake hands and wish each other well for the future. Women will get the kids and the house, so no change of policy there, except we've taken away the formality of court proceedings. The added bonus is that lawyers won't bleed you dry of money as they drag out the inevitable. I can also avoid having men dressed as super heroes on my roof," said the Minister.

New vows are to be added so as to add clarity.

"Whatever happens, we can at least get out before one of us dies, but you'll do for the next[insert your fixed term here] years. That is my solemn vow."

The church, as a whole, has welcomed the move. "Who cares! Everyone is going to hell in a handcart," said a church spokesperson who was a man and definitely not a woman.

Darwins Helped By Secret Network

2008-07-25T19:37:00.002+01:00

Network Of Missing People Helped Darwins In Fraud Scam

The true scale of deceit of the canoe couple and who helped them has been revealed after they were both sent down for fraud.

At first, it was believed that the couple who tricked police, insurance companies and, most cruelly, their own sons had acted alone, but this was not the case.

Pictures and emails showed that they contacted a secret missing persons network - Unfindable Inc, most commonly used by despots, terrorists and tyrants. People wishing to go missing are sent details of how to go missing for only £99. There are a series of plans and you choose the plan that you think you can get away with. The Darwins chose the Canoe and Adjacent Bedsit Plan. Unfindable Inc then advise how to go missing, set up accounts, how to cry at funerals and how to lie to everyone in a convincing manner.

Once you go missing, you are flown to a country of your choice where you will never be found. While there, you are introduced to a network of currently 'missing - may even be dead' people.
On arrival, you get a 'How To Stay Missing Starter Pack' and you are given local contacts who will sort out your basics of accommodation, transport and the lay of the land etc.

A picture has surfaced that Anne Darwin was met at the airport by Shergar and transported to a secret location.....

A Disguised Shergar Played His Part

..where she was given the keys to a vehicle supplied by Lucan's Motors.....

It's Lucan Kinda Dodgy

'......and she drove off to the Osama Properties head office to meet up with her dead husband and Osama Bin Laden

I've Bin Expecting You

Unfindable Inc said that some high profile people had been found such as Saddam Hussein and Radovan Karadzic, but they had gone against advice and had not moved to another country. "As for the Darwins, well.... he handed himself in and they posed for pictures.... the daft sods," said a spokesman.

Rumour has it that Gordon Brown is interested in their 'Back Benches Plan'

Meanwhile, the Darwins children have taken to disguising themselves in public.

Radovan Karadzic is Father Ted

2008-07-22T18:15:00.007+01:00

Radovan Karadzic sensationally arrested in West End theatre while playing Father Ted

War crimes supsect, Radovan Karadzic, was arrested during the stage show of Father Ted. He has been playing Father Ted Crilly in the stage version of the hit TV show for about 2 months and was expected to complete the 6 month run.

He has been on the run for 10 years and was only caught after a tip-off from a woman who googled 'Radovan Karadzic' and 'Father Ted' and 'West End' and this picture flashed up on the screen.

Plans were made for his immediate arrest during the evening performance of Father Ted - Live.
The cast and the audience were unaware of what was unfolding before them. Lance Tremlott was part of the audience and said that the majority believed it was all part of the show.

"Ted and Father Dougal had just finished singing 'My Lovely Horse' when two butch nuns ran on and pinned Father Ted to the ground. "You're under arrest for suspected war crimes in Srebrenica in 1995" said one of the nuns. I now know it was two undercover policemen in drag, but it felt like part of the show at the time. Father Dougal looked confused as usual and Father Jack was repeatedly shouting '"feck" and "a*se" and "genocide" and we, in the audience, were in hysterics," said Lance.

Pauline McLynn, who plays Mrs Doyle, tried to keep the scene going:
Mrs D: You'll have some tea...
Father Ted: I'm being arrested for war crimes, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs D: Are you sure you don't want any, Father?
Father Ted: I'm off to The Hague, Mrs Doyle. Tea will have to wait.
Mrs D: Aw go on, you'll have some.
Father Ted: I really can't, Mrs Doyle. I can't hold the fecking cup. I'm in handcuffs.
Mrs D: Aww Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!

The audience loved it.

Producer, Cecil B. Troughton, said that Radovan Karadzic would not have been hired if he had put 'Indicted by the UN for suspected war crimes' on his CV. He stood out at audition. It was like Dermot Morgan, the original and much-missed Father Ted, was back among us.

"I've decided to make 'the arrest scene' part of the show. It went down well with the audience. He'll be hard to replace. Has anyone got Bobby Davro's number?" said Cecil

Donkey Punch

2008-07-18T17:25:00.001+01:00

Donkey punch is not recommended during sex, say doctors

But a few glasses beforehand to get you in the mood is ok

Bestestware Top Picks

2008-07-17T20:26:00.002+01:00

Finger Checker
Before buying an expensive pair of gloves, check how many fingers you have. Put this pre-glove glove on. Easy to use. Just count how many of the finger receivers are filled. You'll be glad you did - £6-99 each

Friendly Moth Catcher
Catch Moths safely with this RSPCA approved moth catcher. Just put a piece of an old suit inside the tube and switch the bright light on. Uses 3 AA batteries (not included). Lasts about 2 hours with continuous use. Would make a lovely wedding gift - £3.99 each £7-97 for two

Hearing Aid Chair
Can't hear what's on the TV or someone talking in the room? Then you need the revolutionary Hearing Aid Chair. It's fitted with especially fast castors that make it easier for you to glide closer to the sound source. Adjustable seat and comes with oil for the wheels - £45-99 each

Immersion Tank Cleaner
Fed up at the dirt inside your immersion tank? No problem. Just put in some of our Immersion Tank Cleaner which is exclusive to us. Just leave for 3 months and then enjoy the results - £8-99 200ml, £15.03 400ml

Foot Widener
Shoes too big or wide for your feet? Don't buy a pair that fits properly. Save time and money with our Foot Widener. It fits like a very thick sock. Can make shoes that are up to four times too big feel like a normal fit. £19-99 each

Butternut Squash Protector
Great way to protect and keep your butternut squash fresh. Comes in one colour for your convenience. Comes with free aubergine peeler. Buy two and save 3p - £4--99 each £9-95 for two

Twin Back Scratcher - Best Seller
How many times have you picked up the back scratcher and your partner wants it too? Avoid marital strife and buy the twin back scratcher. It looks awkward to use, but is really quite simple. Friends will be jealous - £9-95 each

Cat Umbrella - Editors Choice
Cats don't like water. Avoid them being stressed when you put them out in the rain. This brolly is easy to attach. The cat won't know it's there. Not to be used with a catflap - £15-98 each

Half Step Ladder
Avoid standing on tip toes with the half step ladder. Just unfold the ladder and gain an extra 6 inches in height. Can be set-up in minutes. Plastic look. Useful addition to the kitchen. Buy two - one for downstairs and one for upstairs - £10-95

Under The Eaves Duster - Handle Extends To 30ft
It's that time of year again when you need to dust under the eaves. Your step ladder is 25ft too short. Help is at hand with the extendable Under The Eaves Duster - Bargain GBP35-00

Pocket TV Advert Telescope
Can't read the small print that appears on adverts? How many times have you signed up for mobile downloads only to be charged an excessive amount every week and you don't know the number to text to cancel it? Avoid being caught out with our TV Telescope. It comes with a handy chair attachment so it's within easy reach - £12-98 each

Mole Patches
Unsightly moles on your face and body? Avoid being hideous in public with discreet mole patches. Ten patches per packet. Pink, yellow and lime green available - £4.99 per packet

Snail Hutch
Make friends with your little friends in the garden. Delightful snail hutch. Your snails will thank you. £17-25 each

Prototype Conceptions

2008-07-16T14:39:00.005+01:00

Car Manufacturers Call For prototypes To At least Slightly Resemble the End Product

The car industry has called on the prototype maker to make them a little bit more like what ends up on saleroom forecourts. All prototypes are currently made by one firm - ProtoConcept Ltd - which is run by Terry Walsh. He has been building prototypes for 25 years.

"I love making a prototype and then seeing the finished article. The prototypes I make address the concerns of the manufacturer and the consumer and so they can usually do 400 miles to the gallon and 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds. There's also plenty of leg room, headroom and a spacious boot. Really though, prototypes are not about statistics and practicality or price etc. It's all about looking good on a revolving podium at a motor show. Hey, sometimes I even leave out the engine to make it look good. Also, one of the key factors is creating a daft way to open the doors. Sometimes the only way in is through the sunroof," said Terry

Terry's latest projects though have caused a stir and the car industry has voiced 'concerns' over the prototypes. Terry recently had a campaigns for Renault.

Terry's Renault Clio Prototype

A car industry spokesperson said that the prototype, although reasonably stylish, was ' a mile away' from the end product and were 'fanciful' and 'never ever going to be anything like the finished design.'

"Not too far way if you ask me," said Terry.

Terry's work for those car firms attracted Ferrari who wanted a prototype for the soon-to-be-built - Ferrari Cxx turbo i. It became the most talked about prototype at the 2008 Motor Show and every other show. Ferrari said that although it did answer the brief of 'an eye-catching two-seater,' it was not quite what they expected

Terry's Ferrari Cxx turbo i Prototype

Not all of Terry's prototypes have been questioned though. Sir Clive Sinclair asked Terry for a prototype of the Sinclair C5 and ended up using Terry's design with little change to the original

Bouncers: Road Control

2008-07-16T14:29:00.004+01:00

Bouncers, or automobile eviction technicians, as they like to be called, are to continue to be in charge of who gets to travel down certain major roads. A pilot scheme has proved a success with greater traffic flow and fewer accidents and less trouble being reported.

The Security Industry Authority (SIA) that represents bouncers says that people are generally pretty frightened of the bouncers and this gives them the authority to be totally selective based on very little other than whether they like you or not.

Tim Johnson recently had such an experience and has 'concerns' over meatheads running the roads:
" I was queuing up to use the A451 with a few mates in my Ford Mondeo. The rope was lifted and the bouncer was letting people continue on their journey. I could hear him saying "you can drive through and you and you and you" and then as I got to the front he said "not you, sunshine" to my surprise, " said Tim.

"I looked at him and asked why not? "Spoilers mate! You aint entering this road tonight with spoilers," he said. I said that a car full of pretty girls went through and they had spoilers on. "That's different," he said, giving me a well-hard stare. Any excuse! I don't think he liked the way I looked or that I was young male out with my mates. He then said that I could only drive through if I had jump leads. I got them out of the boot and he said "Ok, but don't start anything." A lot of lads are having the same trouble. Seems like I'll have to wear a skimpy dress otherwise I'll be on B roads for the rest of my life," said Tim

Overall though, the response has been good. Motoring organisations have welcomed it. The AA said that the scheme had cut down a lot of trouble on the roads and the security was well regulated. "Young males and old people cause a lot of problems on the roads and they are being forced to trickle down minor roads. Any sign of any trouble on major roads is dealt with fairly quickly. The bouncers just wade in and remove trouble off the roads at the next available junction. Mainly, they deal with the problem before it begins by making an assessment at the start of the road.Unless you're tasty totty then we would advise drivers to make sure their face fits before attempting to drive on a major road," said the AA statement.

A Dyslexic Bat Walks Into A Bra

2008-07-11T19:31:00.006+01:00

Teenager finds bat asleep in bra

A teenager who thought movement in her underwear was caused by her vibrating mobile phone found a bat curled up asleep in her bra.
Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, had been wearing the bra for five hours when she plucked up the courage to investigate.
When she did, she found a baby bat in padding in her 34FF bra. The hotel receptionist said she was shocked but felt bad for removing the "cuddly" bat. "It looked cosy and comfortable and I was sorry for disturbing it," she said.
She was sitting at her desk at work when she decided to investigate the strange movements in her underwear.
"I put my hand down my bra and pulled out a cuddly little bat.
"That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark. I was shaking from head to toe.
"It looked quite cosy and comfortable in there so it was quite rude of me to take it out.
"When I realised it was a bat the first thing that occurred to me was how did it get in there.
"I felt quite sorry for it. Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.
"I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly.
"The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before.
"When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket."
The bat was captured by one of her colleagues and released.

Seems there have been a few things that have occured since the story broke:

Jordan's bra has burst open

The RSPCA said the number of volunteers to search for baby bats is at an all time high.
And more interestingly, a cave full of bat roosts has been found in Norwich.

Politics

2008-07-10T16:18:00.001+01:00

David Cameron Stands By 'Policy In The Woodpile' Peer

Lord Dixon-Smith, the Tory spokesman for communities and local government, apologised profusely to the House of Lords when he realised the offence he had caused, and later explained that the expression had been in common use when he was younger. Another Tory peer, Lord Brooke of Sutton Mandeville, intervened to suggest that Lord Dixon-Smith might care to revise his words and he rushed to correct himself.

"In the old days, we used the word 'policy' all the time. We had policies for everything such as the economy, health, education, law and order etc.It was common parlance when I was younger and it slipped out without me thinking," said Lord Dixon-Smith.

A spokeperson for David Cameron said, "This was not an appropriate thing to say and it was absolutely right that he apologised to the House."

David Cameron later confirmed that the Tories had not used the word 'policy' since he's been leader.

'Policy' is a deliberate plan of action to guide decisions and achieve rational outcome(s). The now out-of-favour phrase is not a widely used term and is no long used by the Conservatives at all. Although policies can be used in a positive way, the most common usage is to use it in a negative way. Lady Thatcher and Tony Blair are recent examples of this. Positive policies are mostly short-lived whereas negative policies can linger for years. Prime Minister Gordon Brown is having problems with the latter.

During his apologies Lord Dixon-Smith said he had "left his brains behind" but this part was rejected as they all do that every day.

Music - James Blunt Lacking Muse

2008-07-09T14:53:00.005+01:00

Fans of James Blunt have decided to be proactive in saving his career by trying to force his girlfriend to dump him.
Problems began when James Blunt released his much anticipated third album. His debut album - Back To Bedlam - sold an incredible 15 million copies and his follow up album - All the Lost Souls - has sold 8 million so far. His melancholic misery of pain and longing and lost love coupled with his warbled falsetto has really struck a chord, especially with unfulfilled women. He redefined bland. It was lift music for the heart. Fans expected more of the same.

Sadly, Blunt has been dating model Claudia Hemcovak and he's happy and contented. He's got several houses, lives in Ibiza and has an enormous pile of cash. This is fantastic for him, but his song writing has suffered somewhat. Rumours that he was off in a different musical direction came to the fore when the title of his third album was revealed - I Feel Bloody Great.

Track listings were a worry ahead of its release: Hello My lover, Higher, You're Stunning, No Mistakes This time, Much Wiserman, No Crying, Smiles & Sunshine, You're Mine - Wahey!, She Loves Me (Rah Rah Rah), 1999, Matching Pullovers, I Miss You The Most, Our Song, Will You Be My Wife and You Complete Me.

Number one fan, Sandra Smythe, has no doubts that James needs to be given a good old fashioned emotional beating from his girlfriend. "The sooner she sleeps with his best mate, humiliates him and then dumps him, or the other way around, the better it will be for everyone. He may be happy and loved-up, but he's got nothing to write about. We don't want to hear how marvellous life is. He made need a spell in Afghanistan to find his muse again. We want heartache, tears, unfulfilled dreams, abject misery and resignation to what will never be........(sob)

Even men have voiced concerns. "When I did the dirty or dumped a bird, I just gave her a James Blunt cd. She would have a good whinge, say how James understood her and even accept it was probably her fault as deep down I loved her. It was a crock of crap, of course, but it got me off the hook. This new stuff puts the Brotherhood of Man to shame," said one single man.

Fans have been in talks with Blunt and his girlfriend and a compromise has been reached. Blunt has agreed to a trial separation in order to pen some more classics. He'd written 'I Can't Go On Without You' even before he'd left the room.

TV Review - The Lost Generation Game

2008-07-09T13:49:00.002+01:00

A new series - The Lost Generation Game, with Bruce Forsyth - was launched by the BBC last night. The king of saturday night light-entertainment was at the helm as usual.

Bruce sang the intro:
Knife is the way that we maim and I wanna thrust my blade in you
Life was so terribly tame, but now I'm gonna cut you in two
And I really wanna hurt you

Bruce began the programme with his usual catchphrase - Knife to see you, to see you - Knife!

Bruce introduced the couples. It was (pa)rents and knife-wielding deadbeat offspring - So it was 4 mother and son couples

Various games were played:

Where's my daddy? - They had to write down possible postcodes as to where they could be
How much can you drink? - 2 minutes to drink as much as they could. Bonus points for leery,
snarling, obnoxious behaviour
Keep Off My Turf! - Had to demonstrate how to confront someone from another gang. Bonus points for violence, threatening behaviour and use of knife. 'Good maim, good maim,' said Brucie
Harass and Abuse - Points awarded for soft targets - such as the elderly, the sick, decent hard working people, the general public
It's A Mug's Game - Points awarded for skill in mugging and bonus points for getting phones, money, clothes and bonuses for excessive violence and threats with a knife - 'Didn't his face swell,' chirped Brucie
Wanton vandalism - Points awarded for smashing bus shelters, damaging cars, property - anything that doesn't belong to them

The teens performed well, but the mothers didn't seem to have a clue. They were in the soundbooth with a blindfold on, so they didn't see or hear anything or have any knowledge of what was going on.

Halfway through the show, the police arrived and did a stop and search. They found knives and drugs and left after giving the lads a severe finger-wagging.

The semi-final was the Blame Game:
Each couple had 1 minute to blame everyone else and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Both couples scored highly

"What's the scores in the morgues, Miss Ford?"
20-19

On to the conveyor belt. Brucie informed the couple that everything they remembered they could take home tonight.

Brucie then said: "On tonight's conveyor belt, we have a respect, decency, love, cuddly toy, an education, parenting skills, a job, fondue set, a condom, good manners.............

Ok you have 45 seconds to recount your thoughts starting now."

"Are you dissing me, wrinkly? I only think of myself," said the would be fallen soulja.

All in all it was an ambitious and brave experiment by the BBC, but the adults never really connected with the teens. The kids played the game how they wanted and the mothers were oblivious.

Asteroid Naming Story

2008-07-08T16:02:00.002+01:00

An amateur astronomer has asked the International Astronomical Union (IAU) for proof of purchase and ownership of all the asteroids.

"A receipt will do," said Geoff Thompson

Geoff Thompson has been a keen amateur astronomer for 30 years and he regularly collects data which he sends to Harvard's Smithsonian Institute. He was delighted to have spotted an unknown asteroid, which he decided to call - Roy.

"It was probably the best day of my life when I found Roy. It's something you dream about as a boy," said the star-struck astronomer.

"I was gazing at the asteroid belt, which I've done every night for the last 25 years. All of sudden, I spotted a c-type asteroid and instantly knew it was one that's not been seen before. It's fascinating to think 'Roy' is a remnant of the protoplanetary disk. He would have a been a planet, but for large gravitational perturbations by Jupiter," said Geoff, interestingly.

He posted his find on the well known astronomy website - cosmicconundrums.com and immediately phoned Sir Patrick Moore and Brian May. As Sir Patrick said: "It's 4.30am. Go to bed."

"I didn't think any more about it and just carried on measuring the positions and brightness of near-Earth and potentially hazardous asteroids and trying to spot the Plough and the Big Bear. Out of the blue, I was contacted by the IAU, who said that the asteroid was indeed a previously unknown one, but it would be called 'asteroid 6137' and not 'Roy' until they granted a name for it. I questioned their authority about naming a floating rock in space. They said that too many people were naming things after confectionary and they wanted to avoid a planet being called - Turkish Delight or a constellation being named -The Walnut Whip. Even so, they don't really have the paperwork to support the argument that only they can name things 4 billion light-years way," said Geoff.

"I can't see 6137 at the moment as he's in the Southern Hemisphere, but I've asked a fellow astronomer to keep an eye on him," added Geoff

Geoff went on to admit that he had purchased an acre of landscape on the moon. "That was different though. They showed me the Lunar Constitution and Bill of Rights and I've got the deeds, a declaration of ownership and a map where it is. I'm not a mug you know!" said Geoff.

Update - IAU have decided not to name it as only 8 people in the world, outside of the main observatories, have the equipment to see it and it's just a big rock and there are 750,000 of them in the asteroid belt alone. As they pointed out - no one gives a toss - unless it's hurtling towards earth and then people suddenly become very interested.

Holiday Complaint

2008-07-08T11:06:00.001+01:00

Parisian Experience Holiday Was Weekend In Blackpool

A coachload of holidaymakers were left disappointed as their 'Parisian Experience' turned out to be a tour of Blackpool.

"It was not what I expected, " said Ethel Wainwright. "I was hoping to sample the romance and gaeity of Paris and not lots of drunk people on stag and hen nights. I didn't want 'kiss me quick.' I wanted 'kiss me slowly, passionately and all over.' I wanted a je t'aime voulez vous French kind of thing," said Ethel.

"We got on a flight at Liverpool and were only in the air for what seemed like minutes. Turns out we had landed in Manchester and got a coach from there. I thought everyone spoke really good English. I thought it was typical of the French. They always make an effort for their European friends." added Ethel

Tour Operator, Cheap n Cheerful, said the people got what they paid for.

"They wanted the experience and they got that. Blackpool Tower is the spit of the Eiffel and the view is better. The Champs-Élysées is no wider than the promenade. There are plenty of bars and alehouses along there. Some kicked off about the Arc De Triomphe, but that race is only once a year and it wasn't held over that weekend. They wanted good wine. Well they've had a good whine over this holiday, I can tell you. Latin Quarter? I go the whole hog. Blackpool has dames too and notre just one," said the former redcoat and managing director, Bill Crompton

Cheap n Cheerful were criticised last year for their Disneyland Experience, which appeared to be little more than a few rides in the Amusement Park. The Bondai Experience, which was 3 days on Blackpool Beach. The Icelandic Experience, which was Blackpool in February and the Machu Picchu Experience, which was a deserted wasteland on the outskirts of Blackpool and the much maligned Egyptian Experience.

"Disney is a few rides and a pair of ears on your head. People got that experience without the expense and looking like a complete twonk. The Bondai Experience was disappointing in as much as I was hoping for storms so people could at least surf. It was more like Bondai Beach on a very calm day. I offered to drive people to see the tide to save the half mile walk. I refute the Egyptian complaints. It was never about the Pyramids and Valley of the Kings. It was more about the inner-city Egypt that people don't see. It's just like a few estates in Blackpool. And another thing, it gets bloody cold here in the winter, which is all people go to Iceland for and they got to meet Kerry Katona. I've been to Machu Picchu and there's nothing there. There's nothing here in Blackpool either. Machu Picchu is just different levels of grass and half-built walls." said Bill.

Strangely, his 'Blackpool Experience' is a fortnight in the Caribbean. "I've had no complaints with that one so far. No one seems to be bothered that it's not Blackpool," said Bill.

Politics

2008-07-07T21:25:00.011+01:00

Labour To Hold Britain Together With Duct Tape

Britain has been falling to bits steadily over the last decade, but now, due to an acceleration of its erosion and having no policies to effectively stem the tide of despair, the government has come up with a one point plan.

"We've been moving from one disaster to another and, quite frankly, we've had no real idea on what course of action to take. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, suggested at a cabinet meeting that we hold everything together using duct tape, at least up until the next general election, and then it'll be David Cameron and the Conservatives problem," said leader in waiting, Alan Johnson.

"Duct tape is nothing like us, which I think will appeal to the public. It's strong, versatile and useful and unlike us - it's on a roll," said one senior labour politician.

Chancellor Alistair Darling has trimmed 2% off the duct tape tax ahead of the policy introduction, but has added 3% tax on to Sellotape. That's been seen as a move targeting the poorest members of society yet again. Pritt stick tax remains unchanged. Harriet Harmon has backed the idea. "Anything that means I can remove my stab jacket when I go shopping has to be a good thing," said Ms Harman. Other cabinet ministers also showed their support. "I've nothing better" said one. "I'll employ a relative as a duct tape monitor" said another. "I am standing up," said Hazel Blears.

Conservative leader David Cameron was caught a little off-balance by the announcement as this was set to be his main and possibly only policy if and when he ever produced a manifesto. "Ermmm...... do you mind if I wait and see what public reaction is to this? If they like it then I promise the Conservatives will use a thicker, stronger tape. My understanding is that the government will use 48mm tape, but we will use 49mm. However, if it's rejected, then I'll change the parting in my hair," said Davey.

David Cameron brought the house down during Prime Minister's questions when he accused Gordon Brown of being a 'lame duct Prime Minister.'

Nick Clegg wasn't asked for his stance.

Enviromentalists have welcomed the news as long as the tape is biodegradable, edible, can be used as fuel, for making clothes and all future buildings are made out of it.

Dolphin Protest

2008-07-07T18:08:00.004+01:00

Dolphins Protest Against Exclusion From the Menu Outside Rick stein's Restaurant

There was pandemonium in Padstow today as Dolphins picketed Rick Stein's restaurant. Dolphins have been upset that they are not on the menu. The dolphins turned up carrying placards with female dolphins in T-shirts with 'This cow's not mad. She's livid' on them.

No Laughing Matter, say Dolphins

Chants of :
What do we want? To be eaten! When do we want it? Now!
We're Poisson! Not Poison!
were heard all over the bay while diners tucked into their freshly caught cuisine.

Marine Biologist Jacques Jones, who often speaks on behalf of dolphins, read out a prepared statement from the dolphins:

"Let's get one thing straight. We like Rick. We have a lot of respect for the gastronomic genius. He's cooked and eaten some our best friends, but he's not budging on this issue. He just won't put us on the menu. We are gutted or hope to be in the near future.

"He's hiding behind legislation. He also said he ran a fish restaurant and that we are mammals. That's just human labelling. Do we look like a mammal to you? Forget the blowhole thing. That's a red herring. We breathe through it. You talk out of your blowhole, but we don't say you're a dolphin. If we swim like a fish, look like a fish and taste like a fish then we are not mammals.

"Rick finds the whole thing amusing. Do we look like we are laughing?" read Jacques.

Rick said dolphins were protected, but his main reason for their exclusion from his restaurant was that they tasted like chicken. "People want the taste of fish when they eat at my places. I think they would be more suited on KFC's menu - Flipper Wings with a nice sauce," said Rick.

Jack The Ripper Indentity

2008-07-05T13:48:00.003+01:00

Jack The Ripper's Identity Finally Revealed

A birth certificate that has been found in a loft during the filming of 'Cash in the Attic'
"It's an incredible find. It says - Jack the Ripper born 1859, but there's more. We've found even more documents. His school report - 'Jack shows a keen interest in Biology, good attendance' and a document confirming his wedding to Jill the Ripper (nee Tart). It lists his job as Royal serial killer and hers as a prostitute." said the shows producer.

Police have investigated the new material. They always believed the name was a hoax and are pleasantly surprised to find that it was indeed his real name. "Initially, we looked up 'the Ripper' in the phone book and found a few with that name and we've now managed to trace relatives through a family tree website and the Rippers are currently living in Yorkshire, Australia and the Falklands."

Bob the Ripper confirmed he is a relative and had always known about his famous ancestor. "I often felt a connection but couldn't quite put my finger on it. One day I went back checking my family history and everything fitted. We decided as a family not to reveal what we had found." said Bob, 35, a local family butcher.

A census at the time has revealed that Jack and Jill the Ripper lived at a Whitechapel address and actually lived at the house of one of the murders. A note found at the scene - Back in five minutes, I'm just sharpening my knife upstairs - was believed, at the time, to have been left there by a previous tenant.

Ripper specialist Terry Bosnan and author of 25 Ripper books including 'I know Who The Ripper Is' and 'Ok, This Time I'm Definite Who The Ripper Is' and 'No No, This Is him, Trust Me' said it was a great day for finally finding the real Ripper, but was a bad day for himself and fellow authors. He's currently penning 'I Was Wrong But Was Right That It Was A Bloke.'

Politics

2008-07-04T20:23:00.002+01:00

Man On Nodding Terms With Speaker Of The House To Receive Knighthood

Ted Baxter, 51, and a silk screen printer by profession, is to be a surprise recipient of a Knighthood. No one was more shocked than Ted himself.

"I got notification last week, but I wasn't allowed to tell anyone until it was officially made public. To be honest, I was quite shocked as I don't do anything for charity, except buy a poppy and pledge a fiver to Children In Need every year, and I didn't think silk screen printing was much to write home about either," said Ted.

"I only realised what it was for when the media got hold of the story. A couple of newspaper reporters contacted me. One fella said that when a name of no importance gets on the list, like me, then they feel it's their duty to expose which high ranking person has had a hand in it. I told them I didn't know who could have put my name forward. I was shown a series of pictures and recognised, who I now know to be, Michael Martin - the Speaker of the House. He'd always been the 'chubby, old guy who waves at taxi drivers' to me .

"I was asked what my connection to him was. I said I see him most mornings, usually between Park Road and the junction at Tithebarn Street. We nod 'good morning' to each other. Over the years we've developed a few nods, eye expressions and the occasional bit of body language to express our feelings. Just this morning he shuddered and looked up at the sky as he walked past me. It was either a bit chilly or he's got gout," added Ted.

The soon to be 'Sir' Ted said he was working on a nod and a wink to express his gratitude. "I always thought you had to pay for titles so I'm pleased that I'm getting mine for polite head movements. I've always felt people get them for trivial things, but I've changed my tune now."

Electric Plug Story

2008-07-04T20:14:00.002+01:00

Your Old Plug Changes Lives

justincase.com, the recycling charity, is changing many more lives in the Third World as new products find their way into his recycling plant. George Thomas, 55, began his recycling charity 'justincase.com.' after removing a plug from a broken kettle.

"I decided to keep the plug 'just in case' I may have needed it. I opened a drawer and found five other plugs with various bits of cable sticking out of them. I had kept them just in case I may have needed them. I got to thinking about the chances of purchasing six electrical items that would need plugs. Under the current legislation, I began to doubt if I would even need one. I thought that these items could be recycled and the money could be used for the greater good. I kept three plugs just in case though. I'm willing to trade one for a European plug just in case I emigrate.

"Anyway, this got me thinking about other items I may have. Sure enough, I found a three-quarter length of wallpaper that was rolled up and a bit creased. I had kept that just in case I needed to replace a little bit of paper. I doubt I'll find that woodchip pattern anywhere else now. In fact, I think I’ve re-papered that wall since, but you just never know if you'll need it. Up in the attic, I found a square metre of carpet. I kept that just in case the carpet got a bad stain or a hole in it. No one would notice a patched up piece slotted in. It made perfect sense.

"In the utility, I found four tins of paint, some several years old, that I kept just in case I needed to touch up the paintwork. There was also a 3 foot piece of guttering and a box full of bathroom tiles. I also found a set of made-to-measure curtains, which I brought from my previous house, just in case they fitted the windows on my present home. They don't. I may have the windows altered, but I'll keep them anyway just in case I move. I remember I kept a broken toaster just in case I ever met Uri Geller.

"There are plenty of items that people could send to me. I understand the nagging doubts. I've got a Betamax video recorder, a Rubik cube with stickers missing and a washer off a Philips Washing Machine, which I’ve sold, that I just can't get rid of. The day I get rid of that washer will be the day Philips announce that all old washers will universally fit any other product in their range. I'd be devastated.

“Next time you decide to keep something ‘just in case’ please ask yourself if you really do need to keep it. The answer will be ‘yes’ so I recommend keeping items in drawers marked with what year you put them in. Anything over five years old is unlikely to be ever needed. Although, you just never know,” said George.

Politics

2008-07-04T20:02:00.003+01:00

Court order Will Force Nick Robinson From outside No.10 Downing Street

The BBCs chief political commentator - Nick Robinson, of no fixed abode, is to be removed from outside No.10 Downing Street. A spokesman confirmed that a court order had been taken out against Mr Robinson.

Gordon Brown has complained that he's there every time anyone goes in and out of the door, at any time of the day or night.

Time Lapse Video Footage Shows Nick Barely Moving From The Same Spot

Nick claims he has nothing better to do.

"When a car pulls up or a minister strolls by and that door opens - I can't explain the rush I get. Train spotters get a buzz from seeing the Flying Scotsman. Lose the 'F' and it's the same feeling I get when I see Gordon Brown," said Nick. Nick records every person he sees and writes about it in his daily blog - ScoutingForMinisters.blog.com

The cameramen work shifts, but he remains there 24/7. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I never am," said Nick, outside No.10, obviously.

Downing Street successfully removed Andrew Marr a couple of years back and he decided to join the travelling community. John Sergeant went 'missing' prior to that.
A BBC spokesperson said that Mark Mardell is ready to step in at any time. "We have a never-ending supply of reporters who have no real interests outside of reporting. Remove one and we'll just replace them with another."

The Northern Ireland Assembly is keeping a close eye on developments as they are trying to find ways of removing Denis Murray from outside Stormont, which many people think is Murray's house.

The problem is not just a domestic one. Many countries have injunctions out on Orla Guerin. As a spokesman pointed out: 'If Orla Guerin is standing on your border then you know your country is in serious trouble. We don't need that kind of notoriety.'

Human Bollard Story

2008-07-04T18:51:00.001+01:00

New Human Bollards Pilot Scheme To Be Extended Nationally, says Transport Minister

"It's not often you hear a minister talking bollards," said Rosie Winterton, Minister of State for Transport.

The scheme was originally piloted to run for three months in a selected busy market town, but will now be extended locally and be adopted nationally.

Local Councillor Bob Simmons, the driving force behind the scheme, is understandably delighted with the way it has gone.

"Success is an over-used word, but this has been resounding, " said councillor Simmons. "We needed to get away from the unfriendly pop-up bollard. We found that they worked well for local people, but visitors sometimes didn't understand why a bus or specially licensed vehicle could drive over them, but when they tried it, it would pop-up and remove the engine. That can be a little annoying, quite costly and doesn't encourage them to come back," explained Bob.

"This town has always been a welcoming place so I felt we needed to make the bollards a bit more user friendly. We had about 25 enquiries for the post. We needed someone with clear loud diction and good arm dexterity," added Mr Simmons.

First Human Bollard - Eddie Ochenbayer

The successful candidate was Eddie Ochenbayer, 25, and a local student. "I was in-between courses and was in a bit of a hole, so this opportunity came at the right time for me," said Eddie. "I saw the ad and thought that I could do the job. Although I lack experience, shouting and waving does come naturally to me. Also, being a student, I am used to being fairly stationary," said Eddie.

"Basically, if a bus, trades vehicle or any vehicle with a specially licensed sticker on the window comes along, I just duck. If a private vehicle comes along then I shout 'stop' and wave. Usually, that's sufficient, but if they look like they are still going to try and continue then I shout and wave quite frantically. 9 times out of 10, they do stop, especially when they see the whites of your eyes. Of a night, I wear a traffic cone on my head. I do have plenty experience of that," explained Eddie

"The 'will they, won't they stop' makes the job a lot more interesting than it appears. The only real problem is when they try to sneak in behind a bus. I have to reach up and grab the axle," smiled Eddie. "Also I'm on hand to take insurance details should they plough into me. The damage to their vehicle should be minimal though," added Eddie.

"I do get asked a lot about toilet breaks which seems to amuse passers-by. I'm linked to the underground sewerage system, so no real problem there," said Eddie.

The Transport Minister added that recruitment for the schemes would be in partnership with local colleges and universities. "Students often get a bad rap, so this will give them the opportunity to engage with the wider community. We've conducted a study during the pilot scheme and virtually every motorist has said they would rather hit a student than a bollard, " said Minister Rosie Winterton.

Music - Coldplay Statement

2008-07-04T18:47:00.005+01:00

Chris Martin 'simply forgot' he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow, says agent

Chris Martin, currently on tour promoting a long titled album, later confirmed he had 'simply forgot' he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. He recalled dating her a few years back, but he said he has had little contact with the weeping actress in recent years. "We drifted apart and went our seperate ways," said the lightbulb-swirling star. "

I was reminded by our drummer that I was in fact married to her after watching a news clip from the Cannes film festival and I saw a skinny blonde on stilts. I remember thinking 'pwhoar' and how I'd like to get to know her better. 'It's your wife' I was reliably informed. We had a 'slight row' and I left the room immediately, but came back after an hour and agreed that I probably had married her at some stage," added Chris. I had to write a song about it:

Rocket Scientist

I'll come up and meet you, tell you I'm sorry, I thought we had split up years ago
I had forgotten you, thought we'd agreed to, spending the rest of our lives apart
Did we marry in secret? Press ask lots of questions. Oh let's go back and make a fresh start
Decreasing circles, my memory fails
It's not really rocket science at all

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame I can't remember
Nobody said it was easy
I'm thinking it was sometime in December?
Ohh take my back in your arms

(It's building up nicely - add drums - switch on lighters and sway - altogether now)

I was just guessin', at dates, but it figures, putting the puzzles together
Questions of marriage, marriage aint progress, we need to speak now or never ever again
You say that you love me, the press like to taunt me, oh you just sent a rush to my heart
Neverending circles, it's heads or tails, you know we can't stay as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame I can't recall
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it that I wouldn't be able to ever grapple
We have kids called Moses and Apple

Sporting Thug

2008-07-04T18:43:00.000+01:00

Joey Barton Admits To Being Pleasant On april 23rd 2008, a court hears

The court heard that Barton was repeatedly nice for the whole day. He was arrested the following morning in a 6.00am raid and was charged with 'knowingly acting out of character with a view to shocking just about everybody.'

"Frightening," said PC Postlewhaite. "The guy was smiling from ear to ear. I called for an armed response team as back-up," he told a hushed court.

Barton admitted his guilt ahead of the trial. Judge Smythe asked his counsel to have a word with his client, but his legal team said Barton 'would not take any legal advice and was happy to continue on his desired course and to plead guilty.'

Prosecutor Richard Vardon described the episode as an 'explosive combination of football and pleasantness.' It was he said a 'level of nicety not seen or heard of before or since.'

Teammate Ousmane Dabo said Barton turned up at the training ground and said 'Good morning. How are you today, my fine fellow?'
"I immediately defended myself as I felt he was deliberately intimidating me. He had invaded my space. He was out of order," said Dabo.

Georgios Samaras, a fellow teammate, said it was the worst incident he'd ever witnessed. "He was over-friendly. He seemed happy and contented. It's not something you want to see. I don't even like talking about it," said Georgios.

The court heard that Barton had been building up to this level of niceness over a period of a few years. Prosecutor Vardon outlined a timetable of shocking events that culminated into this shocking incident:

2004 February: Smiled at a fan
April: Buys the manager a pint
July: Waves at opposing fans
December: Signs an autograph and wishes people a 'Happy Christmas' (fined 6 weeks wages)
2005 May: Helps an old lady across the road
July: Does a fun run for charity without manager's permission (fined eight weeks wages)
2006 September: Makes a citizens arrest of a bad hoodie (police take no action)
2007 November: Donates a kidney (FA probe but no action taken)
December: Adopts a donkey

Barton wished to express his 'remorse' and 'shame' and made the court a promise that he would revert to type once he had served his sentence.

He will be sentenced next week. Judge Smythe told Barton to expect a lengthy prison term for a such a serious offence.

Tennis Memories

2008-07-04T18:37:00.000+01:00

Dad - Inside, I'm doing cartwheels
Mum - I never speak to my husband, but I keep smiling
Woman - I won a competition to clap a loser
Wife - I married the loser

Plaguerism

2008-07-04T18:29:00.003+01:00

Raj Persuad Copied My face, claims indian Businessman

Raj Persaud

Des Rupinda

"He never asked for permission to use my face and has been passing it off as his own original face for many years without giving me any credit whatsoever," said Des. "I've lost count of the number of times people have asked me for advice on mental health issues. It's not easy selling Nano cars when the buyer wants a consultation before purchasing. The only upside was when I had a client who had OCD and I managed to sell him 10 cars.

In the end, I tell them to read one of Raj's books or better still, see if they can find the original author's copy," added Des.

Raj refused to comment until he found a suitable comment from someone else that he could use.

Politics

2008-07-04T18:26:00.001+01:00

2012 Games Costs getting Lower Everyday, says Government

The original cost of the games was estimated at around about £2.4bn, but many thought this was an unrealistic figure and so it has proved.

Sir Roy McNulty, the head of the Olympic Delivery Authority, confirmed that the costs would be "significantly lower or even less." He said: "We are still in the early stages of what the lower cost may be, but it will be in the order of a billion and clearly that is something that must be refunded to the government. The costs have just spiralled under control."

Mr McNulty added that the original budget had been put together without a full analysis of the site or fully-costed designs for new venues and he now knows that's 'an awful lot cheaper than we first imagined.' He added: "Security costs have decreased since two years ago due to fantastic government legislation and regeneration costs are incredibly lower than was allowed for before."

Tessa Jowell pointed that 'many major contractors gave us misleading figures and have now said the cost won't be anything like what they had stated. The overall costs have rocketed to a new low of £1.9bn, but should continue to fall steadily over the coming months and may end up at as low as £1.2bn. That's great news for the taxpayer and the lottery money can be used for things that benefit people. The actual stadium works out at £15 cheaper than the estimate. It's better in our pockets than theirs.'

The Department for Culture, Media and Sport later said the £2.4bn estimate from two years ago did not include costs for such items as regeneration and infrastructure and those 'were not in the vicinity of even being close' so just ignore them.

A spokesman for the contractors added that estimates were based on pure guesswork and they just said a high figure without really thinking it would be accepted. Once the contracts were agreed it turned out that those estimates were 'unbelievably naive' and the true figure is lower than even the lowest estimate divided by two. "I reckon we'll finish two years early and we'll even tidy up too," said a suited guy in a flourescent jacket and gleaming white hard hat.

"Yikes, blimey, oh boy," added Major Boris Johnson.

So what does this all mean for the taxpayer? "It's a rebate for London taxpayers, a refund to general taxation, the London Development Agency can have a few jollies and the lottery money can go to obscure groups", said Tessa Jowell.

Politics

2008-07-04T18:19:00.000+01:00

Tory Chairman Caroline Spelman Reveals long List Of Secretaries between 1997 and 1998

Shortly after being found out, Tory chairman Caroline Spelman has decided to come clean and has revealed she had no less than 15 secretaries during 1997 and 1998. Records reveal that Bob the painter was her secretary for 3 weeks in June 1997 and Ted the plasterer was her secretary for 5 days in January 1998. Jim the gardener was her secretary once a fortnight, usually on a thursday during this period. The clearly hardworking MP was shown to have had 4 secretaries at once in May 1997.
We contacted Trev the plumber, 45, who confirmed that he was her secretary for an afternoon in March 1998. "Yeah, I arrived at her house to unblock a toilet and was shown to a desk, some filing cabinets and the staff canteen," said Trev. "I told her I was there to unblock the toilet and she said that would be fine in between opening the mail and taking calls," added a bemused Trev. "She introduced me to a secretary who was a dab hand at artexing the ceiling," said a clearly impressed Trev. "I felt a bit sorry for her. She could have done with a nanny, but she said she couldn't really afford one," said Trev. "I still overcharged her by a considerable amount and was surprised that she paid without hesitation."
Ms Spelman gave this statement: "Being a working mother and also an MP is quite demanding and involves many hidden expenses. Almost all MPs have hidden expenses. We just don't like talking about it and some of us go to great lengths to avoid doing so as our prime concern is to make sure our constituents' needs are rapidly attended to. It just seemed a reasonable practical solution. After a conversation with the chief whip, who said it 'looked well dodgy,' I decided, even though I had done nothing wrong, that I would limit myself to 3 secretaries, which I acquired from local agencies - Tradesmen Inc and Nannies4U. I've also taken the unusual step and advised colleagues not to give their telephone number to William Hague as he won't stop calling."
Tina Haynes, who was Caroline Spelman's longest serving secretary, would like it to be pointed out that she no longer does secretarial work and is currently 'following her dream' and working as nanny.